October 07, 2009

One Year Ago....

A year ago was one, if not THEE worse day of my life.

It amazes me how much can change within a year; it amazes me yet at the same time it scares me.

Oct 7th, 2008. I might have lost who I thought was the person for me, I might have made a mistake that I will always regret by going through with that surgery. You just have to remember that God is always there to guide you, the rough times in life, the bad times in life might feel like punishment but its not. Our God is not a punishing God, he loves all of us and when times get rough is the ONLY time most of us look to him for advice, its the ONLY time we pray yet its times like that when he listens to us the most.
Though it was painful and brought my life down a dark road, I thank God everyday for letting me experience that year because if it wasn't for those times I was overly drunk on my back door step, if it wasn't for those times I was laying there wanting to die or over medicating myself to ease the emotional pain I would have never found who God is and what he does for us. He stripped me from all things I relied on to keep me happy. So I had no choice but to look to him for comfort and honestly during those times at church, during those times I prayed or simply just talked to God those were the times I felt most at peace with life.

Oct. 7th 2009. Life is still hard, but it so many different ways... I won't sit here and bitch because when is life NOT hard in some aspect? The difference between today and a year ago is I truely found the love of my life, my husband Taylor. We are almost 3-months pregnant with our little miracle. With my husband's help I've found the courage to strip my life of negative people, I won't and don't associate with anyone that is only looking to bring me down. Sure in the process I lost a lot of people I called friends but the people I do still have in my life are TRUE friends; I'd rather have 3 TRUE friends than 100s of "friends" if that makes sense.
Taylor right now is in WI, for deployment training. He gets to come home for about a week or so and God knows I can not wait to see him though it will be bittersweet, he leaves again Nov 1st for additional training in TX only after TX they dont get to come home they go straight overseas. I know he loves me and he knows I love him with everything that I am. I just worry about him so much, not so much something happening to him physically because I know he's a fighter and will kick major ass if needed. I'm just so scared and worried about him mentally. Im scared he will lose who he is, the man I fell in love with. I feel like he is a strong man yet so fragile, I don't know its just something I feel when I'm around him. Being his wife of course I'll worry. But I knew what I was getting myself into when I said "I do" and he knows I am here by his side no matter what.
It amazes me how much can change in a year and at the same time it scares me. What will change in the following year? What will change while Taylor is away? Will I stay the same woman I am today? If I do change, it will be for the better right? How will Taylor change? Will our love change? If so, How?

August 12, 2009

And with this Ring.

It's almost been 2-months since Taylor and I have started dating. Life has been so perfect; he is so perfect. If I had sat down and written out my "perfect" man before I met him he is all of that and so much more. I am so in love with him! Countless prayers and countless tears, God finally answered my prayers.

Taylor accepts me for me, doesn't judge me for things I've done in my past and to my suprise our pasts are not much different. But I'm not going into too much detail with that because thats his story to tell not mine. He gets along with everyone that is important to me, my family adores him but most importantly he makes me so happy and doesnt even have to try.

My birthday was August 1st, I didn't have much planned because I wanted more than anything to just be with him. My birthday wish came true! My baby came a few days before my birthday and stayed a few days after.. The day before my birthday we hung out mostly, didn't do much but thats what I LOVE about him is we can do NOTHING all day and it would still be the best day ever. We were both hungry later that night and he suggested we go eat and then go to my favorite spot by the beach and just hang out. So we went to eat and were talking, just so in love. After dinner it was about 11:30 and we drove out to my spot (now our spot) Rockview, right off of East Cliff dr. "How romantic" I thought, "getting a birthday kiss right at midnight at our beach spot". We put the truck bed down, had blankets and just snuggled up, talking and watching the waves. He told me he would be right back he had to check the time; it was 12:02am on my birthday. He took my hand and we walked over closer to the cliffs and he asked me "Baby, do you know what so special about today?". I started going on and on "well its my birthday, im turning 20, later today is Sophias birthday party, etc etc" then he got down on one knee and OH MY GOD I couldn't believe what was happening.

Taylor asked me to marry him that night and of course I said YES! So here we are, engaged and more in love than ever! I am still in shock to this day that I will be his Mrs. Hahn soon. It takes time but with consistant prayer; God does help good people who might have just been broken or lost like we both were before we met eachother.

We both were really broken and lost. Didn't know what life had in store for us, or what was to become of us. He really saved me from who I was becoming and he tells me that I saved him. God works in mysterious ways, in ways no one will ever understand. He gave us the gift of eachother and I am so in love with Taylor.

August 06, 2009

Summer Romance

I say goodbye to the dark, sad, pathedic girl I once was. Yes I wasn't the greatest person in the past, I had let addictions take over my life but all I wanted, more than anything was for someone to truly love me. Behind the selfish, drug addict was a girl that had so much love to give and just wanted someone that would love and treat her the same. In the beginning of June, I finally made a profile on this dating site my friend Shantelle told me about called http://www.plentyoffish.com/ and to my suprise not even a week later I came across this guys profile that really caught my eye, he was physically my definition of perfect, his "about me" thing was cute and humorous; I really wanted to contact him but he lived in Southern CA and was soon to be deployed because he is in the Army Reserve. I've done the long distance thing in the past, for 2 years, and one of my biggest but not well known fear has always been falling for someone who was in the Army because of what is required from them (getting deployed).

I moved on, went to work but couldn't get this guy off my mind. So when I got home I wanted to write to him, take my chances. It's the interenet I figured what did I have to lose? I wasn't having the best of luck with men so one more let down wasn't going to do much to me. I couldn't find him when I got home, it sucked but it wasn't ment to be I guessed. Well I did end up finding him again a few hours later. I wrote him a message telling him exactly what I thought about him it was somewhere along the lines of "Hey my names Kylie, I know you don't know me and I dont know you but I saw your profile and WOW you are like the perfect guy for me from what I've seen and what I've read. Hope to hear back from you". I never thought I'd get a response. BUT I DID! While I was at my little sister's Preschool graduation (they have a graduation for everything now a days). I was getting busy that day so I gave him my number and told him to feel free to text or call.

Well hours went by with no response, no call and no text. "damn it" I thought. I thought I put myself to out there, that maybe I should have just let the emailign go back and fourth and little longer before I gave my number, but oh well couldn't do anything about it then. I went to brother's high school graduation, his after party and that night towards the end of the party I had a break down. I was crying my eyes out, having a panic attack, spilling my guts to my dad. My two grandmas were talking about grandchildren; Nani was saying how she loves having great grandchildren and my Grammy doesn't have any yet and was saying how she would love some (kind of looked at me when she said that). I know she didn't mean anything by it but it broke my heart, it made me start thinking about what Chris and I had done, about the abortion, etc. How I should be a mommy right now and I just started to feel so guilty which is what triggered the break down.

I was feeling punished for my addictions, punished for the abortion. I didn't understand why I was having such bad luck with men, why I couldn't be happy and everyone around me was.. My two bestfriend are in relationships (Brooke being so in love and Ashley engaged). Chris had moved on and was happy with another girl; Israel was happy with a girl as well. I guess it was Chris being happy with someone else is what got to me the most. I thought "How can someone who has wronged someone else (me) not get any karma and not feel any guilt for anything he's done yet still be able to move on and be happier than ever?"

Later that night this guy (Taylor) did end up text messaging me asking me if he could call me and he did! We had the most amazing 10 hour conversation, it went all through the night well into the next morning. After that call I knew he was someone I couldn't let go even if he did live 6 hours away. Days went by and we still talked every day for hours and when we weren't on the phone we were texting. He was so perfect and I wanted to be his girlfriend so bad but kept my cool because I didn't want to come off desprate or anything. After 2 weeks of talking we BOTH knew we HAD to meet; so he came up here for the weekend.

Honestly, it was love at first sight. He asked me to be his girlfriend the next day of being here (June 20th, 2009).

January 14, 2009

A year for Recovery

It’s been a new year for exactly 2 weeks today or 14 days however you prefer to look at it. I’ve been so on the go lately I’ve neglected this blog and I’m sorry for those who read it regularly.
Since the last time I wrote back in November my life has taken a whole 180. Christopher Galli is out of my life completely, I don’t care to get into details as to what happened but after hearing what his father said I know have come to the understanding that our whole relationship was a lie and I pray for him every night because there is just something not right. He is in Arizona now with another girl and I just hope he is doing well. I now can hold my head up high and proudly say I am OVER him, thank you God.
It took one last suicide attempt to come to realization that I was over him, though. A few days before Christmas I had drank a good amount of alcohol to wash down 20 Vicodins and a bottle of Prozac and in all my drunkenness I had called my best friend Brooke who freaked out and came over to my house and proceeded to rush me to the hospital. I was pissed at her at the time but now am so thankful she did so because I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for her. I was put in a Behavior Health Unit for 48hours after my ER visit what a hell place that was…

I had been keeping it a secret from everyone but I started on my vicodin binging again weeks prior to the suicide attempt and I started drinking hard alcohol every night till I blacked out so I didn’t have to feel the pain of life that I was feeling. Life spiraled downward at such a fast pace when I look back now it is a scary thing to see. All my skeletons were forced out of my closet after that hospital stay. 3rd attempted in 2 months, my parents were fed up with my behavior and were not going to take it any longer; in all honesty I don’t blame them. I was left with no choice but Rehab. After talking things out and my parents making a contract with me for my safety we decided as a family to do Intense Out Patient Treatment with The Camp in Scotts Valley, CA.

I am now in my 2nd week of The Camp and it has been a rough two weeks but it is something I have to do for my family but most importantly for myself… I have been attending AA and NA meetings regularly. IOP (intense outpatient treatment) groups meet Monday, Tuesday and Thursday’s 6:00-9:00pm seems like a lot but it really is “FUN” is you can believe it. I have met some really great people already, who are there to help and support me, that’s what I really needed. By no means am I cured at all, I sit here now at work looking into the pharmacy fantasizing about Vicodin or I go home just wishing I could have a drink, just one.

As far as Gastric bypass goes and my eating disorder I have been really well; eating regularly, taking my vitamins, exercise is lacking but it’s still there at least once a week. I feel like I can just eat like a normal person now, I have been eating what I want without a 2nd thought… Well maybe a 2nd though but not enough to make me put it down and I really haven’t gained anything, I’ve been maintaining which is what everyone wanted all along. Why am I the last to figure it out?

Now two weeks into 2009, I am the happiest I have been in months. I’m enjoying life, getting myself help and it feels good to walk with my head held high and not care what others think. I’m done obsessing about the rumors that have gone around town about me and are still going around. I know they are not true and who ever is doing the lying and what now it will come back. Karma’s a bitch.

November 06, 2008

I'm Not a Failure

My goodbyes were said, the bags were packed, and although mentally I was fragile I was ready to go. So 4:00 in the morning came along; Mom and I were in the car starting our 7 hour journey to Whittier, CA. My mind was set in the future, trying to imagine myself in a treatment center and I could picture what I thought it would look like but I could not see myself there as much as I tried, but I ignored those feelings. Mom and I were having fun, we both enjoy road trips. We were talking, signing, laughing, etc. Just being in a fragile state of mind I would think a thought and just start crying. I was scared and very overwhelmed...STILL overwhelmed. The tears would just come and go, whether I liked it or not.

When we on the road the Treatment center was on, I was more nervous and scared than ever. I seriously could have thrown up if I had food in my stomach at the time. After arriving it was like they just swept me away when all I wanted to do was spend as many of those last seconds as I could with my mom. They first took me to get height and weight, got me naked to check for "marks they should make notes of" (do I look like a cutter?). Then a dietition took me into her office where she went through a serious of questions with me. Had the nerve to question my answers "Are you just telling me what i want to hear?" and telling me how if with gastric bypass I can handle the sugar in a banana i'd have no problem with a Boost drink. Ms. know it all seem to have forgotten that there is a difference between sugar sugar and fruit sugars. Maybe not for all but for my body it knows the difference!

The place was beautiful, my room was so cute. There was two bed but I was going to be the only one in the room at the time and I dont know if it worked or not but it had a fireplace. The kitchen was so HUGE and modern style it was amazing, wish my kitchen at home looked like that! As my mom and I were being given a tour I was taking notice that wow these other patients (or clients as they called them) looked really, really young. When we, once again, got back to the waiting room we both were given lots of papers to sign. The whole time I felt so uneasy and the welcome packet with all their rules made the CCP look like a vacation. They had what they call "Phases" Pre-phase-Phrase 4. Each phase can last from 1-4 weeks, depending on your progress and they had almost a check list/to-do list before you got moved up. No Ipods until you got to phase 2, more privledges and less restriction as you moved up in the phases; made me look at it as a prison almost. You have to count outloud while in the bathroom, let nurses check toliet before flushing or running sink water. No bedroom time until bedtime. I know they have their rules for a reason, it's an eating disorder place. But come on do you really wanna check poop? Eewww!

Cherry on the sundae! Ready?! They had NOT even gotten insurance approval for my stay there! and at $1,100 a day I could NOT stay there out of pocket! We drove down to southern CA because we were told it was their center with the oldest crowd, so when I joined a program for young adults ages 19-25. Sorry for expecting others to be 19-25. So when I got there and found out that me being 19 I was going to be the oldest in the house? All other patients were 14-17. I was mad, hurt, I was lied to or miscommunication. They had acted like used car salesmen, leaving out a few "minor" details.

God didn't want me there. I feel if it was within his will he would have kept me there. It wasn't a waste of trip at all though, mom and I got some really good quality time. As L.G. said "Car time is good talk time". This doesn't mean I'm home and life goes on as if nothing happened. Sure, I'm home but I'm still sick. I'm eating and not restricting or even listening to Mia in my head. Gym is fun, not doing it compusively. I do understand, I have been down this road before, a year ago. Got put in the hospital, came home and was doing great until a year later. I'm going to look into out-patient treatment, establish myself with a person locally I can talk to, and continue to go to Recovery Ministry with the church.....

So, I am home. I was scared to tell people because I didn't want to be judged as a failure or weak. But no one has made me feel that way so far. Everyone around me is just being so positive, thank you!

Time to get ready for the day! take Care!


November 03, 2008

Center For Discovery.

It has been almost a month since surgery and our break-up. Chris wants nothing to do with me and has asked that I leave him be. I tried all I could, I wasn't ready to let him go, I wasn't ready to do the friendship thing. I lost it, cried many tears, wasn't eating, hardly going to work; all I wanted was to be with him again, everything just happened so sudden and in such a fragile time when I needed the support from my significant other because of OUR decision I was abandoned.

I've come to realize that I was being stubborn and rebel against God's will. I prayed to God "give me give me give me". Now in prayer, I let God know my problems, how I'm feeling, that I love him, I pray for strength, courage and the well being of everyone around me even my enemies and then I just leave it up to God. For I need to live by his will not my own. Through all this pain, I have found my relationship with God again and it is such a great feeling to know that someone is always there with loving arms. I've re-committed myself to God and it has been the best thing I have ever done.

On 10/29 I was re-admitted to the CCP (Eating Disorder unit for Lucile Packard), because of all of life's stress this past month I had felt I lost all control. My eating however was one thing I found I could still control. I admit that I really was living off of coffee for almost a month, going to the gym everyday exercising like crazy. I had relapsed and started taking the narcotics again. Even though Chris had flushed all the pills I had at the time I was able to get more and started using again. I wasn't proud, I felt guilty hiding it from everyone, I felt like a failure. So many teenagers looking up to me, being told I was the poster child for Teen gastric bypass and here I was addicted to pain-killer, letting anorexia and bulimia take over me. What kind of role model am I?
I want help. My parents, doctors and I had already been in the process of looking into different Treatment centers (IE: Rehab) but no one knew it was still currently happening. So I spent 4 days in the CCP and came home on Sunday (Yes, i was in there again for another Halloween, oh lucky me!). I'm eating now, still emotionally so fragile, all I can do is just talk, talk, talk and talk to God. Keeping myself busy, staying focused on getting myself better.

October 13, 2008

Just When I Thought Things Were "PERFECT"

Oh my gosh, I can't believe the last time I wrote was back in June. If anyone still reads my blog I'm so so sorry!

So much has happened lately. I'm 100% recovered from my plastic surgeries, tummy looks great! the boobs are amazing! Really no complications other than pains lasting longer than I had expected.

I'm here and I am able to admit a lot that has happened. After my tummy tuck I was prescribed Norco a pain killer drug. Then again for my breast augmentation. By the time the pain was gone, I already loved the feeling the drugs were giving me, so I kept getting refills, months after surgery. I was in denial but I was defiantly addicted to them. I went as far as asking my best friend to fake a headache to get me more because I got to the point where one or two pills a day were not enough I was up to 7 or 8. I depended on them.

Back in September, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Of course not expected and very shocked. We were both so scared, he especially was scared of his parents because his father told him early on if this had ever happened he would be disowned. "We cant keep it" was one of the first things I heard from him as he was shaking and almost in tears from fear. That night, I was devastated, I am against abortion and always have been unless it was in a case of rape. I tried to drink myself to death the night we found out. I was rushed to the hospital and had my stomach pumped with an alcohol level of 2.6!

I was thankful I didn't succeed. I wasn't thinking straight and can't even stand the sight of alcohol let alone the smell.... *puke* The following Monday I made an appointment to see an OB/GYN to confirm the pregnancy, she did an ultrasound and saw nothing, but my blood tests said otherwise. "come back in a week" so I did and still nothing yet my blood levels were going up as they should if you are pregnant. Since there were different abortion medications she could give me she wanted to know for sure before she gave me one or the other. So "come back in a week" is what I heard.

Nothing was available in a week and ended up having to come back in 2 weeks. She did another ultrasound and sure enough there was something clear in sight and it was too late for a pill. There was no other option other than surgery.

I thought to myself, no way. I can't do that, I just cant I refused. I tried so many times to convince Chris but he so set on his way, he told me it would not only hurt him but his whole family would devastated, his dreams of becoming a firefighter would be shot to hell and he told me he doesn't know if he could be there for me if I were to keep it. Me caring TOO much for others and not wanting to lose him; kept going with the plan to have surgery. Got a pre-op appointment, a surgery date. I was so scared and so sad I felt forced to do something I was against, but just prayed God would forgive me.

To make this story shorter... I had surgery and that same night Chris left me.. Not by choice his parents found out about so many lies he has told his father told him "that girl or your family" and if were to pick me he'd be disowned. So I was left. I feel so used, I feel so guilty for what I have done. I, in the end was left anyways when the one thing that kept me going through with surgery was so I WOULDN'T lose Chris. and I DID! I'm so mad, sad, everything emotion other than happy you can think of. Because of all the lies his parents felt he needed to end the relationship so he could focus on himself and find himself, find why the hell he has been lying. Basically he needs time to become a man because he's not, he fears his dad more than anything which was the root to his lying so he wouldn't get mad or disappointed in him and well that just back fired on him big time. Hurt me, himself and his family worse than anything truth would have if he has only been honest.

It's been a week since we've been apart and I'm still such a mess. I'm torn because we do still talk and I tried to tell him "we can be on a break while figure out what you have to do to better yourself" and he tells me hes in so condition to be in a relationship right now. So here I am, alone again, oh but he is still a friend :-/ I guess better than nothing?

This week I've just been praying like there is no tomorrow, trying with all my strength to stay positive and keep hope that things will work out in the end...

So that is where my life is at this point. A MESS!

Surgery wise and weight wise everything is just fine. Oh and as far as my narcotic addition, that is taken care of. My doctors are well aware of everything going on and are staying on top on me.

I will try to write more. I'm sorry for it being so so long!