November 03, 2008

Center For Discovery.

It has been almost a month since surgery and our break-up. Chris wants nothing to do with me and has asked that I leave him be. I tried all I could, I wasn't ready to let him go, I wasn't ready to do the friendship thing. I lost it, cried many tears, wasn't eating, hardly going to work; all I wanted was to be with him again, everything just happened so sudden and in such a fragile time when I needed the support from my significant other because of OUR decision I was abandoned.

I've come to realize that I was being stubborn and rebel against God's will. I prayed to God "give me give me give me". Now in prayer, I let God know my problems, how I'm feeling, that I love him, I pray for strength, courage and the well being of everyone around me even my enemies and then I just leave it up to God. For I need to live by his will not my own. Through all this pain, I have found my relationship with God again and it is such a great feeling to know that someone is always there with loving arms. I've re-committed myself to God and it has been the best thing I have ever done.

On 10/29 I was re-admitted to the CCP (Eating Disorder unit for Lucile Packard), because of all of life's stress this past month I had felt I lost all control. My eating however was one thing I found I could still control. I admit that I really was living off of coffee for almost a month, going to the gym everyday exercising like crazy. I had relapsed and started taking the narcotics again. Even though Chris had flushed all the pills I had at the time I was able to get more and started using again. I wasn't proud, I felt guilty hiding it from everyone, I felt like a failure. So many teenagers looking up to me, being told I was the poster child for Teen gastric bypass and here I was addicted to pain-killer, letting anorexia and bulimia take over me. What kind of role model am I?
I want help. My parents, doctors and I had already been in the process of looking into different Treatment centers (IE: Rehab) but no one knew it was still currently happening. So I spent 4 days in the CCP and came home on Sunday (Yes, i was in there again for another Halloween, oh lucky me!). I'm eating now, still emotionally so fragile, all I can do is just talk, talk, talk and talk to God. Keeping myself busy, staying focused on getting myself better.

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