October 07, 2009

One Year Ago....

A year ago was one, if not THEE worse day of my life.

It amazes me how much can change within a year; it amazes me yet at the same time it scares me.

Oct 7th, 2008. I might have lost who I thought was the person for me, I might have made a mistake that I will always regret by going through with that surgery. You just have to remember that God is always there to guide you, the rough times in life, the bad times in life might feel like punishment but its not. Our God is not a punishing God, he loves all of us and when times get rough is the ONLY time most of us look to him for advice, its the ONLY time we pray yet its times like that when he listens to us the most.
Though it was painful and brought my life down a dark road, I thank God everyday for letting me experience that year because if it wasn't for those times I was overly drunk on my back door step, if it wasn't for those times I was laying there wanting to die or over medicating myself to ease the emotional pain I would have never found who God is and what he does for us. He stripped me from all things I relied on to keep me happy. So I had no choice but to look to him for comfort and honestly during those times at church, during those times I prayed or simply just talked to God those were the times I felt most at peace with life.

Oct. 7th 2009. Life is still hard, but it so many different ways... I won't sit here and bitch because when is life NOT hard in some aspect? The difference between today and a year ago is I truely found the love of my life, my husband Taylor. We are almost 3-months pregnant with our little miracle. With my husband's help I've found the courage to strip my life of negative people, I won't and don't associate with anyone that is only looking to bring me down. Sure in the process I lost a lot of people I called friends but the people I do still have in my life are TRUE friends; I'd rather have 3 TRUE friends than 100s of "friends" if that makes sense.
Taylor right now is in WI, for deployment training. He gets to come home for about a week or so and God knows I can not wait to see him though it will be bittersweet, he leaves again Nov 1st for additional training in TX only after TX they dont get to come home they go straight overseas. I know he loves me and he knows I love him with everything that I am. I just worry about him so much, not so much something happening to him physically because I know he's a fighter and will kick major ass if needed. I'm just so scared and worried about him mentally. Im scared he will lose who he is, the man I fell in love with. I feel like he is a strong man yet so fragile, I don't know its just something I feel when I'm around him. Being his wife of course I'll worry. But I knew what I was getting myself into when I said "I do" and he knows I am here by his side no matter what.
It amazes me how much can change in a year and at the same time it scares me. What will change in the following year? What will change while Taylor is away? Will I stay the same woman I am today? If I do change, it will be for the better right? How will Taylor change? Will our love change? If so, How?

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