Ky's WLS journey and Thoughts.

One Year Ago....

2009-10-07T11:49:00.001-07:00

A year ago was one, if not THEE worse day of my life.

It amazes me how much can change within a year; it amazes me yet at the same time it scares me.

Oct 7th, 2008. I might have lost who I thought was the person for me, I might have made a mistake that I will always regret by going through with that surgery. You just have to remember that God is always there to guide you, the rough times in life, the bad times in life might feel like punishment but its not. Our God is not a punishing God, he loves all of us and when times get rough is the ONLY time most of us look to him for advice, its the ONLY time we pray yet its times like that when he listens to us the most.
Though it was painful and brought my life down a dark road, I thank God everyday for letting me experience that year because if it wasn't for those times I was overly drunk on my back door step, if it wasn't for those times I was laying there wanting to die or over medicating myself to ease the emotional pain I would have never found who God is and what he does for us. He stripped me from all things I relied on to keep me happy. So I had no choice but to look to him for comfort and honestly during those times at church, during those times I prayed or simply just talked to God those were the times I felt most at peace with life.

Oct. 7th 2009. Life is still hard, but it so many different ways... I won't sit here and bitch because when is life NOT hard in some aspect? The difference between today and a year ago is I truely found the love of my life, my husband Taylor. We are almost 3-months pregnant with our little miracle. With my husband's help I've found the courage to strip my life of negative people, I won't and don't associate with anyone that is only looking to bring me down. Sure in the process I lost a lot of people I called friends but the people I do still have in my life are TRUE friends; I'd rather have 3 TRUE friends than 100s of "friends" if that makes sense.
Taylor right now is in WI, for deployment training. He gets to come home for about a week or so and God knows I can not wait to see him though it will be bittersweet, he leaves again Nov 1st for additional training in TX only after TX they dont get to come home they go straight overseas. I know he loves me and he knows I love him with everything that I am. I just worry about him so much, not so much something happening to him physically because I know he's a fighter and will kick major ass if needed. I'm just so scared and worried about him mentally. Im scared he will lose who he is, the man I fell in love with. I feel like he is a strong man yet so fragile, I don't know its just something I feel when I'm around him. Being his wife of course I'll worry. But I knew what I was getting myself into when I said "I do" and he knows I am here by his side no matter what.
It amazes me how much can change in a year and at the same time it scares me. What will change in the following year? What will change while Taylor is away? Will I stay the same woman I am today? If I do change, it will be for the better right? How will Taylor change? Will our love change? If so, How?

And with this Ring.

2009-08-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's almost been 2-months since Taylor and I have started dating. Life has been so perfect; he is so perfect. If I had sat down and written out my "perfect" man before I met him he is all of that and so much more. I am so in love with him! Countless prayers and countless tears, God finally answered my prayers.

Taylor accepts me for me, doesn't judge me for things I've done in my past and to my suprise our pasts are not much different. But I'm not going into too much detail with that because thats his story to tell not mine. He gets along with everyone that is important to me, my family adores him but most importantly he makes me so happy and doesnt even have to try.

My birthday was August 1st, I didn't have much planned because I wanted more than anything to just be with him. My birthday wish came true! My baby came a few days before my birthday and stayed a few days after.. The day before my birthday we hung out mostly, didn't do much but thats what I LOVE about him is we can do NOTHING all day and it would still be the best day ever. We were both hungry later that night and he suggested we go eat and then go to my favorite spot by the beach and just hang out. So we went to eat and were talking, just so in love. After dinner it was about 11:30 and we drove out to my spot (now our spot) Rockview, right off of East Cliff dr. "How romantic" I thought, "getting a birthday kiss right at midnight at our beach spot". We put the truck bed down, had blankets and just snuggled up, talking and watching the waves. He told me he would be right back he had to check the time; it was 12:02am on my birthday. He took my hand and we walked over closer to the cliffs and he asked me "Baby, do you know what so special about today?". I started going on and on "well its my birthday, im turning 20, later today is Sophias birthday party, etc etc" then he got down on one knee and OH MY GOD I couldn't believe what was happening.

Taylor asked me to marry him that night and of course I said YES! So here we are, engaged and more in love than ever! I am still in shock to this day that I will be his Mrs. Hahn soon. It takes time but with consistant prayer; God does help good people who might have just been broken or lost like we both were before we met eachother.

We both were really broken and lost. Didn't know what life had in store for us, or what was to become of us. He really saved me from who I was becoming and he tells me that I saved him. God works in mysterious ways, in ways no one will ever understand. He gave us the gift of eachother and I am so in love with Taylor.

Summer Romance

2009-08-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

I say goodbye to the dark, sad, pathedic girl I once was. Yes I wasn't the greatest person in the past, I had let addictions take over my life but all I wanted, more than anything was for someone to truly love me. Behind the selfish, drug addict was a girl that had so much love to give and just wanted someone that would love and treat her the same. In the beginning of June, I finally made a profile on this dating site my friend Shantelle told me about called http://www.plentyoffish.com/ and to my suprise not even a week later I came across this guys profile that really caught my eye, he was physically my definition of perfect, his "about me" thing was cute and humorous; I really wanted to contact him but he lived in Southern CA and was soon to be deployed because he is in the Army Reserve. I've done the long distance thing in the past, for 2 years, and one of my biggest but not well known fear has always been falling for someone who was in the Army because of what is required from them (getting deployed).

I moved on, went to work but couldn't get this guy off my mind. So when I got home I wanted to write to him, take my chances. It's the interenet I figured what did I have to lose? I wasn't having the best of luck with men so one more let down wasn't going to do much to me. I couldn't find him when I got home, it sucked but it wasn't ment to be I guessed. Well I did end up finding him again a few hours later. I wrote him a message telling him exactly what I thought about him it was somewhere along the lines of "Hey my names Kylie, I know you don't know me and I dont know you but I saw your profile and WOW you are like the perfect guy for me from what I've seen and what I've read. Hope to hear back from you". I never thought I'd get a response. BUT I DID! While I was at my little sister's Preschool graduation (they have a graduation for everything now a days). I was getting busy that day so I gave him my number and told him to feel free to text or call.

Well hours went by with no response, no call and no text. "damn it" I thought. I thought I put myself to out there, that maybe I should have just let the emailign go back and fourth and little longer before I gave my number, but oh well couldn't do anything about it then. I went to brother's high school graduation, his after party and that night towards the end of the party I had a break down. I was crying my eyes out, having a panic attack, spilling my guts to my dad. My two grandmas were talking about grandchildren; Nani was saying how she loves having great grandchildren and my Grammy doesn't have any yet and was saying how she would love some (kind of looked at me when she said that). I know she didn't mean anything by it but it broke my heart, it made me start thinking about what Chris and I had done, about the abortion, etc. How I should be a mommy right now and I just started to feel so guilty which is what triggered the break down.

I was feeling punished for my addictions, punished for the abortion. I didn't understand why I was having such bad luck with men, why I couldn't be happy and everyone around me was.. My two bestfriend are in relationships (Brooke being so in love and Ashley engaged). Chris had moved on and was happy with another girl; Israel was happy with a girl as well. I guess it was Chris being happy with someone else is what got to me the most. I thought "How can someone who has wronged someone else (me) not get any karma and not feel any guilt for anything he's done yet still be able to move on and be happier than ever?"

Later that night this guy (Taylor) did end up text messaging me asking me if he could call me and he did! We had the most amazing 10 hour conversation, it went all through the night well into the next morning. After that call I knew he was someone I couldn't let go even if he did live 6 hours away. Days went by and we still talked every day for hours and when we weren't on the phone we were texting. He was so perfect and I wanted to be his girlfriend so bad but kept my cool because I didn't want to come off desprate or anything. After 2 weeks of talking we BOTH knew we HAD to meet; so he came up here for the weekend.

Honestly, it was love at first sight. He asked me to be his girlfriend the next day of being here (June 20th, 2009).

A year for Recovery

2009-01-14T15:59:00.001-08:00

It’s been a new year for exactly 2 weeks today or 14 days however you prefer to look at it. I’ve been so on the go lately I’ve neglected this blog and I’m sorry for those who read it regularly.
Since the last time I wrote back in November my life has taken a whole 180. Christopher Galli is out of my life completely, I don’t care to get into details as to what happened but after hearing what his father said I know have come to the understanding that our whole relationship was a lie and I pray for him every night because there is just something not right. He is in Arizona now with another girl and I just hope he is doing well. I now can hold my head up high and proudly say I am OVER him, thank you God.
It took one last suicide attempt to come to realization that I was over him, though. A few days before Christmas I had drank a good amount of alcohol to wash down 20 Vicodins and a bottle of Prozac and in all my drunkenness I had called my best friend Brooke who freaked out and came over to my house and proceeded to rush me to the hospital. I was pissed at her at the time but now am so thankful she did so because I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for her. I was put in a Behavior Health Unit for 48hours after my ER visit what a hell place that was…

I had been keeping it a secret from everyone but I started on my vicodin binging again weeks prior to the suicide attempt and I started drinking hard alcohol every night till I blacked out so I didn’t have to feel the pain of life that I was feeling. Life spiraled downward at such a fast pace when I look back now it is a scary thing to see. All my skeletons were forced out of my closet after that hospital stay. 3rd attempted in 2 months, my parents were fed up with my behavior and were not going to take it any longer; in all honesty I don’t blame them. I was left with no choice but Rehab. After talking things out and my parents making a contract with me for my safety we decided as a family to do Intense Out Patient Treatment with The Camp in Scotts Valley, CA.

I am now in my 2nd week of The Camp and it has been a rough two weeks but it is something I have to do for my family but most importantly for myself… I have been attending AA and NA meetings regularly. IOP (intense outpatient treatment) groups meet Monday, Tuesday and Thursday’s 6:00-9:00pm seems like a lot but it really is “FUN” is you can believe it. I have met some really great people already, who are there to help and support me, that’s what I really needed. By no means am I cured at all, I sit here now at work looking into the pharmacy fantasizing about Vicodin or I go home just wishing I could have a drink, just one.

As far as Gastric bypass goes and my eating disorder I have been really well; eating regularly, taking my vitamins, exercise is lacking but it’s still there at least once a week. I feel like I can just eat like a normal person now, I have been eating what I want without a 2nd thought… Well maybe a 2nd though but not enough to make me put it down and I really haven’t gained anything, I’ve been maintaining which is what everyone wanted all along. Why am I the last to figure it out?

Now two weeks into 2009, I am the happiest I have been in months. I’m enjoying life, getting myself help and it feels good to walk with my head held high and not care what others think. I’m done obsessing about the rumors that have gone around town about me and are still going around. I know they are not true and who ever is doing the lying and what now it will come back. Karma’s a bitch.

I'm Not a Failure

2008-11-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

My goodbyes were said, the bags were packed, and although mentally I was fragile I was ready to go. So 4:00 in the morning came along; Mom and I were in the car starting our 7 hour journey to Whittier, CA. My mind was set in the future, trying to imagine myself in a treatment center and I could picture what I thought it would look like but I could not see myself there as much as I tried, but I ignored those feelings. Mom and I were having fun, we both enjoy road trips. We were talking, signing, laughing, etc. Just being in a fragile state of mind I would think a thought and just start crying. I was scared and very overwhelmed...STILL overwhelmed. The tears would just come and go, whether I liked it or not.

When we on the road the Treatment center was on, I was more nervous and scared than ever. I seriously could have thrown up if I had food in my stomach at the time. After arriving it was like they just swept me away when all I wanted to do was spend as many of those last seconds as I could with my mom. They first took me to get height and weight, got me naked to check for "marks they should make notes of" (do I look like a cutter?). Then a dietition took me into her office where she went through a serious of questions with me. Had the nerve to question my answers "Are you just telling me what i want to hear?" and telling me how if with gastric bypass I can handle the sugar in a banana i'd have no problem with a Boost drink. Ms. know it all seem to have forgotten that there is a difference between sugar sugar and fruit sugars. Maybe not for all but for my body it knows the difference!

The place was beautiful, my room was so cute. There was two bed but I was going to be the only one in the room at the time and I dont know if it worked or not but it had a fireplace. The kitchen was so HUGE and modern style it was amazing, wish my kitchen at home looked like that! As my mom and I were being given a tour I was taking notice that wow these other patients (or clients as they called them) looked really, really young. When we, once again, got back to the waiting room we both were given lots of papers to sign. The whole time I felt so uneasy and the welcome packet with all their rules made the CCP look like a vacation. They had what they call "Phases" Pre-phase-Phrase 4. Each phase can last from 1-4 weeks, depending on your progress and they had almost a check list/to-do list before you got moved up. No Ipods until you got to phase 2, more privledges and less restriction as you moved up in the phases; made me look at it as a prison almost. You have to count outloud while in the bathroom, let nurses check toliet before flushing or running sink water. No bedroom time until bedtime. I know they have their rules for a reason, it's an eating disorder place. But come on do you really wanna check poop? Eewww!

Cherry on the sundae! Ready?! They had NOT even gotten insurance approval for my stay there! and at $1,100 a day I could NOT stay there out of pocket! We drove down to southern CA because we were told it was their center with the oldest crowd, so when I joined a program for young adults ages 19-25. Sorry for expecting others to be 19-25. So when I got there and found out that me being 19 I was going to be the oldest in the house? All other patients were 14-17. I was mad, hurt, I was lied to or miscommunication. They had acted like used car salesmen, leaving out a few "minor" details.

God didn't want me there. I feel if it was within his will he would have kept me there. It wasn't a waste of trip at all though, mom and I got some really good quality time. As L.G. said "Car time is good talk time". This doesn't mean I'm home and life goes on as if nothing happened. Sure, I'm home but I'm still sick. I'm eating and not restricting or even listening to Mia in my head. Gym is fun, not doing it compusively. I do understand, I have been down this road before, a year ago. Got put in the hospital, came home and was doing great until a year later. I'm going to look into out-patient treatment, establish myself with a person locally I can talk to, and continue to go to Recovery Ministry with the church.....

So, I am home. I was scared to tell people because I didn't want to be judged as a failure or weak. But no one has made me feel that way so far. Everyone around me is just being so positive, thank you!

Time to get ready for the day! take Care!

Love,
Kylie

Center For Discovery.

2008-11-03T14:59:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a month since surgery and our break-up. Chris wants nothing to do with me and has asked that I leave him be. I tried all I could, I wasn't ready to let him go, I wasn't ready to do the friendship thing. I lost it, cried many tears, wasn't eating, hardly going to work; all I wanted was to be with him again, everything just happened so sudden and in such a fragile time when I needed the support from my significant other because of OUR decision I was abandoned.

I've come to realize that I was being stubborn and rebel against God's will. I prayed to God "give me give me give me". Now in prayer, I let God know my problems, how I'm feeling, that I love him, I pray for strength, courage and the well being of everyone around me even my enemies and then I just leave it up to God. For I need to live by his will not my own. Through all this pain, I have found my relationship with God again and it is such a great feeling to know that someone is always there with loving arms. I've re-committed myself to God and it has been the best thing I have ever done.

On 10/29 I was re-admitted to the CCP (Eating Disorder unit for Lucile Packard), because of all of life's stress this past month I had felt I lost all control. My eating however was one thing I found I could still control. I admit that I really was living off of coffee for almost a month, going to the gym everyday exercising like crazy. I had relapsed and started taking the narcotics again. Even though Chris had flushed all the pills I had at the time I was able to get more and started using again. I wasn't proud, I felt guilty hiding it from everyone, I felt like a failure. So many teenagers looking up to me, being told I was the poster child for Teen gastric bypass and here I was addicted to pain-killer, letting anorexia and bulimia take over me. What kind of role model am I?
I want help. My parents, doctors and I had already been in the process of looking into different Treatment centers (IE: Rehab) but no one knew it was still currently happening. So I spent 4 days in the CCP and came home on Sunday (Yes, i was in there again for another Halloween, oh lucky me!). I'm eating now, still emotionally so fragile, all I can do is just talk, talk, talk and talk to God. Keeping myself busy, staying focused on getting myself better.

Just When I Thought Things Were "PERFECT"

2008-10-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh, I can't believe the last time I wrote was back in June. If anyone still reads my blog I'm so so sorry!

So much has happened lately. I'm 100% recovered from my plastic surgeries, tummy looks great! the boobs are amazing! Really no complications other than pains lasting longer than I had expected.

I'm here and I am able to admit a lot that has happened. After my tummy tuck I was prescribed Norco a pain killer drug. Then again for my breast augmentation. By the time the pain was gone, I already loved the feeling the drugs were giving me, so I kept getting refills, months after surgery. I was in denial but I was defiantly addicted to them. I went as far as asking my best friend to fake a headache to get me more because I got to the point where one or two pills a day were not enough I was up to 7 or 8. I depended on them.

Back in September, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Of course not expected and very shocked. We were both so scared, he especially was scared of his parents because his father told him early on if this had ever happened he would be disowned. "We cant keep it" was one of the first things I heard from him as he was shaking and almost in tears from fear. That night, I was devastated, I am against abortion and always have been unless it was in a case of rape. I tried to drink myself to death the night we found out. I was rushed to the hospital and had my stomach pumped with an alcohol level of 2.6!

I was thankful I didn't succeed. I wasn't thinking straight and can't even stand the sight of alcohol let alone the smell.... *puke* The following Monday I made an appointment to see an OB/GYN to confirm the pregnancy, she did an ultrasound and saw nothing, but my blood tests said otherwise. "come back in a week" so I did and still nothing yet my blood levels were going up as they should if you are pregnant. Since there were different abortion medications she could give me she wanted to know for sure before she gave me one or the other. So "come back in a week" is what I heard.

Nothing was available in a week and ended up having to come back in 2 weeks. She did another ultrasound and sure enough there was something clear in sight and it was too late for a pill. There was no other option other than surgery.

I thought to myself, no way. I can't do that, I just cant I refused. I tried so many times to convince Chris but he so set on his way, he told me it would not only hurt him but his whole family would devastated, his dreams of becoming a firefighter would be shot to hell and he told me he doesn't know if he could be there for me if I were to keep it. Me caring TOO much for others and not wanting to lose him; kept going with the plan to have surgery. Got a pre-op appointment, a surgery date. I was so scared and so sad I felt forced to do something I was against, but just prayed God would forgive me.

To make this story shorter... I had surgery and that same night Chris left me.. Not by choice his parents found out about so many lies he has told his father told him "that girl or your family" and if were to pick me he'd be disowned. So I was left. I feel so used, I feel so guilty for what I have done. I, in the end was left anyways when the one thing that kept me going through with surgery was so I WOULDN'T lose Chris. and I DID! I'm so mad, sad, everything emotion other than happy you can think of. Because of all the lies his parents felt he needed to end the relationship so he could focus on himself and find himself, find why the hell he has been lying. Basically he needs time to become a man because he's not, he fears his dad more than anything which was the root to his lying so he wouldn't get mad or disappointed in him and well that just back fired on him big time. Hurt me, himself and his family worse than anything truth would have if he has only been honest.

It's been a week since we've been apart and I'm still such a mess. I'm torn because we do still talk and I tried to tell him "we can be on a break while figure out what you have to do to better yourself" and he tells me hes in so condition to be in a relationship right now. So here I am, alone again, oh but he is still a friend :-/ I guess better than nothing?

This week I've just been praying like there is no tomorrow, trying with all my strength to stay positive and keep hope that things will work out in the end...

So that is where my life is at this point. A MESS!

Surgery wise and weight wise everything is just fine. Oh and as far as my narcotic addition, that is taken care of. My doctors are well aware of everything going on and are staying on top on me.

I will try to write more. I'm sorry for it being so so long!

Plastic Surgery take two

2008-06-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

Kylie is under the knife once again today at 2:00 pm, this time it is for the breast lift and augmentation that had to be delayed due to money issues.

So I am super hungry and crazy thirsty right now, you know the *no eating or drinking past midnight* policy.

I am recovering really well from the Tummy tuck that was done May 19th. I got both of my drains removed finally, my pain is gone and all that is really happening is the suture line is very itchy and I have to still wear my binder. I wasn't aware of this a few weeks ago so I wasn't wearing it and I got fluid pockets which had to be drained...So I have been wearing it religiously since and yet I still got a fluid pocket that will probably get drained before surgery today. It's actually pretty funny its like your tummy is a water bed, feels creepy. So for those of you considering a tummy tuck... As uncomfortable and irritating as it will be, WEAR YOUR BINDER! WHY? When they cut the skin and pull it down, etc there is empty space between your abdominal wall and skin. The binder holds them together allowing them to reconnect and when you don't wear the binder there is nothing pushing them together and the body doesn't like empty spaces so it starts to fill it with fluids.

I am really excited about surgery today, boobies boobies boobies!! Finally, it's not fun and your self confidence takes a major beating when your 18 years old and have wrinkled shrivled up "boobs". Honestly, grandma has a better set of girls than I do right now..

It's so amazing to be going through this, I've it before and I'm saying it again. Final chapters of "FAT Kylie" are being closed.

I will try to write sometime this week... Before and after pictures will be posted.

Pray for me!
-Kylie

Nip and Tucked Part 1

2008-05-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 days since my tummy tuck. Although everything is very swollen and bloated; my stomach is numb, muscles are out of order and I have JP drains sticking out of me, I must say I am SO happy. If this is how my stomach looks 4 days after surgery I can't wait to see what it will look like after a month or so. It's incredible I have never looked like this the emotions are overwhelming.

I feel like I'm finally breaking out of the cocoon and becoming the beautiful butterfly I've always dreamed of being.

It's hard to say goodbye to Israel but it's time for me to move on and live a happy, healthy life. I've cried too many tears and lost too many hours of sleep, with that said I am in a new relationship. The man I've mentioned before, Chris, who I was talking to while Israel was still around, who I wanted to be with so badly but his parents wouldn't allow it.

Well his parents don't know but are coming around slowly and we are together it's only been less than a week but we've been talking for 5months almost like we've been dating the whole time. I am soo in love and so happy. My parents adore him, he respects them and it's just so perfect.

He has helped me so much after surgery, draining my JP drains, keeping me on track with my medicines, helping me change my bandages, etc etc. I mean I've never been cared for by a man like that I love it and he WANTS to do it which makes it that much better. Again lots of changes and many more to come.

Pictures have been taken *before and recovery* but I don't want to post them until I take afters as well. Just be patient!

Going to go rest now, thank you for reading!

Love,
Kylie

She's a Barbie Girl

2008-04-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Good New!!! Insurance company has approved me for the tummy tuck! No appeal or anything I feel very lucky about that! But I can't help thinking "wow guess I really was bad enough to be approved!" LOL. Boobies of course where not approved and were ruled out as cosmetic surgeries. Figured. 1 out 2 not bad.

So I had 2wks prior to May 19th to get $8,715 to the hospital. My loan is lagging and I couldn't get it to them in time. So now May19th is for a tummy tuck only. Disappointing? Defiantly! But looking on the bright side the tummy tuck was the most important, the procedure that is going to give me something I've always wanted and never had which is obviously a flat "normal" looking stomach. So many emotions surround this surgery I know to most people it sounds dumb but to other post-op maybe even pre-op gastric bypass patients its a dream come true. Getting this procedure done is a HUGE step to closing the chapter of obesity in my life.

As for the breast lift and augmentation because of the money issue I have a new surgery date for them and that is June 25th.
I can't wait I'm so excited about these surgeries as most women would be... It's giving me back something gastric bypass surgery took away and that was a larger chest.. No I'm not getting DD's to be just how I was before gastric bypass of course not! I'm getting size that will look natural yet still give me that womanly chest, give me that boost of confidence.. to feel sexy again... to feel like a woman again!

So many changes are happening in my life again, all at once. Funny how God does this huh? Things are slow, going day by day than BAM! Life gets flipped upside down! Crazyness! It has all been so positive though, I can truly say I'm so happy with life right now everything just feels so right.

It's 3:00AM I will of course write again before surgery.. And MANY MANY pictures will be taken of this journey. Befores, during *or at least in the hospital* and afters.

I thank everyone takes time out and reads this and of course the people that have been following this crazy journey! You don't understand how much it means to me!

THANK YOU!

NEW BOOBIES?

2008-03-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

Met Dr. Kerley (plastic surgeon for Santa Cruz Medical Foundation) for a consultation on possible tummy tuck, boob lift and implants (lets just make the terms easy okay?!)

She was confident in getting the lift and tuck covered by insurance which is pretty cool..

I'm young and was not as heavy as most; even was considered a "light weight" at 256lbs if you can believe that! Doesn't matter how young or small/big you are, loose skin is going to come after you after gastric bypass..

My girls are a sad excuse for a chest.. my tummy. its my apron.. haha I'm turning you on aren't I?

Used to be fallingout of a DD and to be told I could fill a small B... excuse me?! SMALL B CUP?! I could cry!!! It was also nice to hear a Dr. say your have almost no fat on your stomach, its all skin "I've seen more fat on girls at the beach in bikinis that i feel here, you just have lots of skin!"

I call tomorrow to check status on the insurance see where it's at. They will just love me at the end of this, journey.. I feel like I'm starting over, hope its not a fight like it was with the gastric bypass!! but if it oh well what can ya do the end results will be worth..

Anyone out there have any advice on what to do? What should I expect?

Until next time......

It's Only March God

2008-03-09T08:32:00.001-07:00

I knew 2008 was going to be a year for change in my life. It's only march.

God why couldn't you spread change out over the year or at least a few more months?
I'm lost and torn, confused and scared, happy and alive, relieved and worried; is it possible for one woman to feel so many emotions at once?

God, why did change have to hit so hard and be so dramatic, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, can you shine it a little brighter? I know no one should ever question your ways, my life is playing out the way it should be right? I know I shouldnt ask, but God I want answers, I need answers. I'm afraid of being alone; so many people around me that love, care and are there for me why do i feel so alone?

God, did I already for fall for another person so soon after Israel? Am I just in wishful thinking? We both don't think it will ever work, why are you keeping us together? Is there something positive coming that we might not know? Or are we in for heartache another lesson learned?

I told myself it was a bad idea "Don't get caught up Kylie" He's just so perfect as a person only flaw are the people around him. Can a 3rd party really keep two people from eachother?

God...

Are you still listening?

I just want to know if I should keep going or move on? I wanted to walk away before I got attached, why didn't I? Is there something there I need to stick around for? You did not let me walk away I hope there was a reason for that, I shouldn't question your ways, you know what your doing.

You've made me so scared yet so excited for the rest of the year. I hope Isreal moving away and me staying where I am is the right move for both of us. You wouldn't stear me wrong would you God?

I pray.. I pray the situation you have put me in has a happy ending, I pray that even if me and him don't work together it works out in other ways with as little heartache as possible, I do hope we work out though, will is parents ever losen up? Should I be taking that as your sign to leave?

I'm so happy, scared, lonely, mad, excited, nervous. Help me, God my emotions are taking over my daily living. I'm feeling a little better each day and it hurts.

God, thank you for listening, it's Sunday moring, I'm going to go get ready and visit one of your homes.

Until next time.

The New Year, The New YOU

2008-01-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

What was your new year resolution? Are you sticking to it?

I told myself I was going to go on as many photoshoots as possible. So far..I havn't done any but a few opportunities.. I get nervous though, what do I wear? how should I do my makeup?hair? Do I just leave it how I always do it? wear less? more? AHHHH i just dont know! lol

WLS makes me worried also, some photographers would like to shoot lingerie, semi-nude; I am a very open person and I don't mind these shoots at all, but I question whether they fully understand what the aftermath of surgery look like (IE: lose skin).

Sorry, I havn't written in a long time, lets see here. Well, I started my new job working as a medical record release clerk, I miss Starbucks, I think I miss the fact that Starbucks everyone knew I had the surgery where as here no one knows and maybe its a LEO thing but i miss the attention!! haha I've bee going out a lot more recently, a year and a half after surgery I get the cofindent boost? I have met so many new people recently, I love it. I have a social life, before surgery I didn't even know the definition of that word! LoL Israel and I moved in together, it's nice but also weird to be out of my parents house and to have rent.

Working fulltime now and going out almost everyday after work and not getting home till later in the night, I've become disattached to my WLS friends! I'm sorry! I'm just living life, something surgery helped give me back. I love the stage I am at with the surgery, I can eat anything (limits on the sugar and fat of course) and still maintain or even lose a few pounds right now. Doctors don't want me on a diet, they DON'T want me to lose anymore weight they like where I'm at right now!

Gotta say something to the pre-op people.. The surgery is a living hell the first year or so, I figure you've gone SO many years living hell as a fat person, what's ONE more year of hard work and change? If you can make it through the first year, you reallly will love life after that. You will LOVE the surgery, no doubt you'll still get sick on certain foods but those are just little reminder that your different.. Everyone is different, my surgeons I think didn't make the stomach as small as other surgeons do but in a way I like that. I can go out to eat with friends and sure I still get a box but I can eat enough to where I don't get the "THATS ALL YOUR EATING?" lol I won't lie, I can eat a whole sandwich with some chips on the side, or a whole can of soup no problem *GASP* haha i know people are doing that right now.. But it's normal, I am normal again, ANYONE who is over a year out that still is eating a cup of food at one sitting, thats just not right and your either lieing or ya surgeon made you TINY! lol

Well, I am off to enjoy my weekend, I will keep this thing updated, I miss writing in it.

How would you like a DEEP-FRIED,CHEESE STUFFED, GROUND BACON BURGER?!

-Kylie

CHRISTMAS TIME

2007-12-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year again, time for family, friends, COLD, shopping <3, etc. This year we are not sure what is happening, uncle is suppose to throw Christmas this year...im scared...

So, big chances since the last time I wrote *sorry! for the lack of writing*. Thanksgiving came and went my mom and I did all the cooking it was fun, it was even more special this year because it was my mama's 40th birthday, yup landed RIGHT on thanksgiving.. For her birthday *which we have not done yet and I feel terrible for but it probably wont happen till after the holidays* I am taking her in to get her first tattoo!!!

I also am no longer a Starbucks barista, I work for ACTA medical release INC i know i know "WTF IS THAT?!" It's a company that is in Sutter Medical Clinic *where my mom works* ACTA deals with all the medical record release stuff, its a nice change I like it and pays WAY more than Starbucks, I get weekends/holidays off AANNDD i get to dress like a girl AANNDD i get to get my nails done + its full time!!

Since out of the hospital, I have been doing very well on my eating and vitamin taking, its hard and a struggle but I'm getting it done, seriously people take your vitamins, eat right, dont end up where I was. I NEVER EVER want to be back in that place.

Well there is my quick update on life, I will try to write again before Christmas...

oh and i changed my hair color!

Hospital Stay.

2007-11-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

Bulimia is like cancer, it always happens to the other person, never you. I got a huge slap in the face a week ago, I was admitted to the hospital to monitor my heart.

I had been having fainting spells and things were just not right with me. So my doctor wanted me to come to a hospital where she could watch me. El Camino Hospital LPCH eating disorder facility is where I found myself Monday*10/29* night. I was told my heart was going to be monitored for 48hours. I guess my heart was worse than they thought because I ended up staying a week.

During that week so much happened, I met some really interesting girls, we were on a scheduale eating times were planned, school, groups, arts and crafts, movie times, etc. It didn't feel real, I was so sad I had to spend halloween in the hospital but they set stuff up like face paintings, magician show, etc. I'm still so upset I missed halloween with my baby sister but it was for my health I guess I need to get over it. I cried a lot I begged to go home, I tried to leave but was told by going home I run the risk of having a heart attack, my heart was very tired.

why?

I was malnourished, years and years of knowing nothing but how to LOSE weight was stuck in my head being told it's time to maintain; the message wasn't getting through my head, taking my vitamins I lacked, I lacked sleep and started to slip back in my old ways of bulimia; years ago it was a big part in my life secretively, I never got help for it, I never told, I just got over trying to lose weight and it faded out of my life.

Take me as an example. Take your vitamins, when the doctors say eat.. EAT.. Get your sleep, sleep is important, we sometimes think nothing can hurt us its always that "other" person but when it hits you, your in disbelief. don't let it hit you.

I'm home now and doing good, eating every 3 hours getting 6 meals in 1200-1500 calories a day. Learning my body is not like most 18 year olds, I need to sleep full nights of sleep and stay on an eating schedule. It's okay to eat, I'm learning.

Dark Demons of the night

2007-09-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

I went to see the vampires today. Let's ponder that sentence.

I went to see the vampires today. 2 things wrong with this statement.
1. you wouldn't see a vampire in the DAY
2. who in their idiotic mind would WANT to go see a vampire.

Okay so I didn't WANT to go see them but I hadn't a choice. They try to take me over, try to take me in. But I win. I always win that battle.

Today they almost had me, I almost quit. ALMOST. Not only did they need to take the usual 11 tubes of blood, they got greedy nnoo 11 was not enough today, they needed 15.

I got to 8. The room started to spin, my body felt cold, hands and faces sweaty but cold and shakes I had no control of. I had to lay down, at that moment I felt they won. But something came over me and I push ahead finished the remaining 7 tubes and was on my way. All day I have felt weak, dizzy and just drained, literally. Who could blame me?
**********************

I wanted to have fun with my writing. :) Hopefully my blood test comes out 100% a okay!!

One Year.

2007-09-21T19:31:00.001-07:00

My one year anniversary has come and gone. Where did this year go?? Seems like just yesterday I was anticipating surgery.
Well......
A year ago I was falling asleep with a CPAP Machine, to help me breath at night due to my severe sleep apnea.
A year ago I wouldn't dare go anywhere in public without my black jacket to "hide the fat rolls"
A year ago I was losing my eye sight due to PTC.
A year ago I didn't care about myself, I was depressed and always snapped at people around me because of being to hot or uncomfortable with myself *ask Israel*

Everything is a complete 360 turn around now. No more CPAP, no more black jacket, no more worries or scare of losing my eye sight, I'm not depressed, I'm not biting peoples heads off. I've gained self confidence, I love being social and am not afraid of people. I've always had a bright bubbly personality, it just was always covered by all the fears I had built up in my mind. So I'm the same person I have always been, I was just stuck in a "death trap".

So why am I writing about my 1 year so late? Well on my actual 1 year I was in a car with Israel's family driving to Las Vegas for his older sister's wedding. SO much fun BTW. The actual wedding itself was beautiful, short and simple. We were in Vegas, Friday-Sunday; wedding was on Saturday the rest of the time we walked around looked around it was amazing I love it!!! I won some money on a penny slot also! $63, fun stuff.

We then returned back to his family's house in Fontana "so*cal" Sunday night. Monday Israel, Kimberly and I went to Knott's Berry Farm. It was so much fun, and it was DEAD! NO waiting for any rides. Tuesday we hung out with his mom and her friends, a tarot card reader read Israel and i as a couple; don't judge if you don't believe in it that's fine leave your comments out the door. What she had to say was amazing, some negative but for the most part everything was pretty positive and reassuring. Wednesday, we all went to an Angel's game, my god i love that stadium but I will always be a RedSox girl at heart, later that night we went to Newport beach, I defiantly wouldn't mind living there just like Santa Cruz only 10x bigger and more to do, things that Santa Cruz lacks big time . We arrived back home yesterday, today I had all my doctor appointments and I had lost 3 more pounds, probably more but while we were in Vegas/SoCal we did nothing but eat out we were always on the run and although I made healthier choices it was still eating out. For maintaining phase 3 pounds, I'll take it.

Everything was fairly normal and routine at the docs today. They are happy with me and that makes me feel good. I have to work on my old habits peeking their ugly heads, like forceful throwing up. I am sure will be resolved with doctors help and Israel getting PISSED OFF that I did it. I don't even know why I allowed myself to, stupid stupid.

So everything is going well, I am happy but most importantly healthy. I am enjoying life and living life to the fullest. Now in my journey is just my goal to not gain weight but to also avoid losing to much weight. I believe my body likes where it is at right now makes it a tad bit easier to maintain.

So what's next in my life? I am going to be focusing on working and saving money to move with Israel to southern California in the first few weeks on January. We have been planning this move for years we would talk about and say "only 4 more years" and here it is 3-4months away. I am overwhelmed with excitement. No doubt I am scared and it is a huge change for me, but it will be good for me, I would like to be on my own, let me rephrase that I'd like US to be on our own. Sure we will be living with his parents for a few months till we are situated down there, in the meantime we will be working and building our company. It will all be positive I would never put myself in situation that I wasn't comfortable with. But I know if the worst case scenario my parents would always allow me to come back and his parents would help us out as well.

With ALL that said. I am going to get some rest, I work real early tomorrow morning, first day back after my vacation. So have a great night and I will write again real soon.

Take care!
-Kylie :)

Chameleons

2007-08-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have to stop for a moment and clue you in on what is going on. I might have posted about it before but I can't remember so here it goes...

Israel and I are building a company breeding, raising and selling panther chameleons. So purchases our first chameleon, Toby who is a panther morph male. Then we got Skittles a panther morph female, later we got Bentley our Ambanja panther. They were all babies when we first got them, since then Toby and Skittles have grown they will be a year old in December, Bentley is still the little baby of the bunch we are guessing he is about 4-months.

Well on Sunday we took a trip to the westside of Santa Cruz's TropicAquirium petstore, just to look aroud when ran into a Sambava panther chameleon. oooooo my god I fell in love we looked at him and left, i couldn't stop talking about him or thinking about him. So we called back, and we got the price down, they were asking for $500 cage, lights, etc all included.. $500 for a pure Sambava male, fullgrown is a GREAT price alone. But we got em down to $400 which was just a total steal for us!!

So now we have Mango he is a 2 year old Sambava panther male and he is gorguoes

Well, we put him in the cage with Skittles and within seconds, they were doin their thang!! That's right in about 6wks we will have eggs! 7-11months later we will have babies to sell.!!!!!! We are just so excited that the business is taking off, we are both just overwelmed with happyness....

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/CAMEOCHAMS

We have pictures, videos, etc all on our myspace page. so please go check it out!!

Cameo Chameleons is on it's way.. WATCH OUT WORLD!!!

-kylie

Body Image Part1

2007-08-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Putting on a pair of jeans "ew no way" *on the floor it goes* what about this skirt "ugh not with these fat legs" *on the floor* maybe these pants "i guess they will do but god i hate my butt"

Now it's time to pick a shirt.... this one? "no! you can see the fat in my arms" *on the floor* oh I love this shirt! "damn it its to small now, it shrunk." *thrown across the room* Lets try the one "its long so it covers my fat lower stomach and it covers my flabby butt, my arms could look better but it works i guess"

Do you EVER go through this? I have to honestly say, I go through this every day. Even when I feel like I have found the outfit for the day, I might change 1/2 way through because I felt great in it until I got in public. "Is my shirt rising?" **Pulls down on the shirt** I dont want people too see my lower stomach.

POOR BODY IMAGE, something most woman, teenagers, even young girls have. I see many people do what I do to check-in with how we look. EVERY SINGLE MIRROR, WINDOW REFLECTION I'll look in, not because I'm conceded.. but because I'm making sure I look okay. "can you see my lower stomach?" "are my legs looking as fat as I feel they are?" "hows my hair?" "my makeup OK?" I'm sorry but I DO care what people think about me.

How am I dealing with this? I keep a journal. Every time I catch myself looking a mirror and a reflection I write down and keep track on **what was a I feeling when I did that?** **How did I feel afterwards?**

So far I see that I "check-in" on average 90 times A DAY! geez. I will take this in to my doctor and we are working on it. I will write more about it when I know more... So far I can tell you keep a log/journal about it.

NEW BLOG PEOPLE!

2007-08-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've decided it's time to make a recipe section of my blog.. sssoooo I created a new blog that I shall post recipes on.

www.kylieswlsrecipes.blogspot.com

much love!
kylie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2007-08-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today was my birthday, I turned 18!! YAY.

I was over at Israel's the night of the July 31st and exactly at midnight Israel started to sing Happy Birthday to me and gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and literally 2 minutes after midnight my mom and dad showed up with a bottle of champagne, singing happy birthday. We all hung out drinking champagne, BEST way to start the day..

I have been planning for months maybe even close to a year to get a tattoo on my 18th birthday, then I finally decided to get it done on the stop of my left foot, I stuck to my plan.. Okay before I go any further, my mom and I were going to get tattoos together it was planned out ready to go.. Back to the story, the whole family *minus Emma who was at daycare* went with me to get my tattoo we got there super early. There are a few car dealerships around so me and Izzy walked around drooling over cars we can't have *YET*. Finally, Tiffany was ready for me. I was told by people that once you get past the outlining of a tattoo, the coloring isn't that bad. OH MY GOD! I know everyone is different, pain levels are different, I have to say coloring for me hurts like a *BBEEEPPP*. Right now it's a throbbing pain, and my left foot is 2x bigger than my right foot from being so swollen right now. But the tattoo is so amazing! I love it so much! I didn't realize I would not be able to wear socks and shoes *flip flops only* for 2 weeks, so I had to get my shifts covered at work, I hope my manager won't be mad at me! Amazing what one will do when the weight comes off, I would have never considered a tattoo before surgery to uncomfortable with myself, but with the weight off and the confidence high I got my tattoo and I'm super proud of it!

Later Israel and I went to Bank Of America and applied for credit cards, girl needs to get some credit established. We will know in a few weeks whether or not we got approved, but the lady said it looked good, then we went over to the mall because Israel said I could pick out something for my birthday present; didn't find anything today plus it was getting late and we were meeting my parents and siblings for dinner.

Mom, Dad, TJ, Emma, Israel and I all went to Hula Tiki bar and Island Grill for dinner. It was good, I got a coconut crusted chicken with a pineapple sauce, sticky rice and black beans, thankfully they didn't tell any waiter/waitresses is was my birthday I lucked out on that!! HA HA I think for the most part everyone enjoyed it, it was something new for us. The place was great also, decorated so neatly!

Now I am at Israel and Cory's house just relaxing, my foot hurts a lot but ahhh I love the tattoo is super pretty!

Israel and I are having our birthday party on saturday *August 4th* so tomorrow my dad and I are going to go food shopping. It should be really fun, we are both SO EXCITED!

Well I am going to go watch Israel play Xbox 360 and finish my left overs from dinner. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! and thank you for everyone that has wished me a happy birthday!

Xoxo,
Kylie (-110lbs)

I'm going to be on TV

2007-07-16T20:27:00.001-07:00

***UPDATE*** http://www.nbc11.com/news/13700103/detail.html THAT IS THE LINK TO MY NEWS STORY/VIDEO!

Tuesday night 7/17/07 with the 5:00 news on NBC11 *channel 11* in the bay area/408 area code.

Remember I have posted in the past about the story they did about being a teenager and having gastric bypass surgery. They met with me 2 weeks before surgery, they came to the hospital and they did an after *9-months later*

TOMORROW IT WILL FINALLY AIR!!! IM SUPER EXCITED!!! If you have on-demand you can watch it also, if you don't get the channel *like me!* If it gets posted on their website I will post the link when I see it!

**UPDATE** I just got a call from them and I will be in their studio answering live emails after the story airs. super happy. I'm so excited to see the story, I think it will be very interesting to see myself before surgery, I don't remember who that person was...

Watch for it if you can! When I get my copy of it I will youtube it or something.

Love,
Kylie

TAMMIE JOHN THANK YOU

2007-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

You guys thank you so much for giving me the car!!!! I'm super excited and can't wait to get it home! YAY! I just need a lisence now and then Kylie's mobile. WOOHOO!

I wanted to update. Me and Israel are back together, it was hard to be apart, although it wasn't a very long break I think he realized things I wanted him to realize and things seem more relaxed, almost like a fresh relationship but with someone I've known for so long; is this making sense?

I am happy again, so happy. I love him, he's everything to me. He makes me feel so special, so new. He's been with me through thick and thin *literally* lol Anyways I just wanted to let everyone know that I am back with Israel and things are going so wonderful right now, I super happy.

I am turning 18 in 16days!!! and getting a tattoo on my left foot, it's going to be great and I will take a picture and load it on that day.. Israel and I are having our birthday parties together *took some time but I convinced him!* I think it was a GREAT idea and he loves it also now. haha

It's going to be fun I can't wait!!!

Surgery wise, things are going well. Weight loss has slowed down, but it's okay I am happy where I am right now considering I could possible be at my goal after plastic surgery, skin weight and all. Dude, I am such a snacker. KYLIE STOP IT STOP IT! NO SNACKING BAD GIRL!! haha okay now that I punished myself... Dinner is calling my name! Steak and corn YUMMY!!

How is everyone's summer going?

Love,
Kylie (-110lbs)

Thank you for you

2007-06-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to step up and be a woman.

The last 5 years of my life have been sweet and sour. I met someone who changed my life forever, his name is Israel and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be the woman I am today. He helped me through most teenage problems, he was my shoulder to cry on, the one to hold me and comfort me when I was feeling down. He knew how to put a smile on my face, he knew my favorite this and that. He knew how to show me love. We shared many inside jokes *aalleeddeeeuumm*, the simplest things made us happy, getting crickets together, grocery shopping, adventures in the mall or target. Eating Tj's chinese *AANYYTTHHINNGGG EELLSSEEE???*

Israel thank you for the smiles, thank you for the laughs, thank you for helping me grow.

At this point in my life, not even becaue of the surgery, I've changed a lot. 12 to 17 I won't be the same person no body ever is. I want to see what life is like on my own, because I don't know. I want to see how life as an independent woman. I'm not going out, running around, looking for men. No I'm focusing on Kylie, what Kylie needs and hopefully I can come back into your life a new and improved Kylie, who will be mature about things, who will understand and stay on the same pages as you.

It's not easy to let you go, my heart has never ached so badly. My eyes have never shed so many tears.

I hope in this time you grow as a man, I am happy that you are happy to be with your family again I believe it is for the better and I believe that in the end everyone wins because like I was trying to tell you, if we do end up back together and you are downsouth, whats going to happen? I move down there with you? yeah and it would be just like we had planned, you will already be down there stable and ready. I take everything you have ever given me and will use it to my advantage. Israel I love you. I won't say goodbye, but a take care.

-Kylie

YAY EGGFACE

2007-06-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

Michelle, from obesityhelp.com is celebrating her 1 year surgiversay today! I couldn't be more proud of her! She really is an inspiration to me. I always love hearing what she has eaten through out her day! Because it ALL ALWAYS sounds so yummy! She always has the best advice for anyone, in any situation. Anyways I just wanted congratulate her and her success and wish her the BEST of luck!
Her personal blog: http://www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com