October 13, 2008

Just When I Thought Things Were "PERFECT"

Oh my gosh, I can't believe the last time I wrote was back in June. If anyone still reads my blog I'm so so sorry!

So much has happened lately. I'm 100% recovered from my plastic surgeries, tummy looks great! the boobs are amazing! Really no complications other than pains lasting longer than I had expected.

I'm here and I am able to admit a lot that has happened. After my tummy tuck I was prescribed Norco a pain killer drug. Then again for my breast augmentation. By the time the pain was gone, I already loved the feeling the drugs were giving me, so I kept getting refills, months after surgery. I was in denial but I was defiantly addicted to them. I went as far as asking my best friend to fake a headache to get me more because I got to the point where one or two pills a day were not enough I was up to 7 or 8. I depended on them.

Back in September, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Of course not expected and very shocked. We were both so scared, he especially was scared of his parents because his father told him early on if this had ever happened he would be disowned. "We cant keep it" was one of the first things I heard from him as he was shaking and almost in tears from fear. That night, I was devastated, I am against abortion and always have been unless it was in a case of rape. I tried to drink myself to death the night we found out. I was rushed to the hospital and had my stomach pumped with an alcohol level of 2.6!

I was thankful I didn't succeed. I wasn't thinking straight and can't even stand the sight of alcohol let alone the smell.... *puke* The following Monday I made an appointment to see an OB/GYN to confirm the pregnancy, she did an ultrasound and saw nothing, but my blood tests said otherwise. "come back in a week" so I did and still nothing yet my blood levels were going up as they should if you are pregnant. Since there were different abortion medications she could give me she wanted to know for sure before she gave me one or the other. So "come back in a week" is what I heard.

Nothing was available in a week and ended up having to come back in 2 weeks. She did another ultrasound and sure enough there was something clear in sight and it was too late for a pill. There was no other option other than surgery.

I thought to myself, no way. I can't do that, I just cant I refused. I tried so many times to convince Chris but he so set on his way, he told me it would not only hurt him but his whole family would devastated, his dreams of becoming a firefighter would be shot to hell and he told me he doesn't know if he could be there for me if I were to keep it. Me caring TOO much for others and not wanting to lose him; kept going with the plan to have surgery. Got a pre-op appointment, a surgery date. I was so scared and so sad I felt forced to do something I was against, but just prayed God would forgive me.

To make this story shorter... I had surgery and that same night Chris left me.. Not by choice his parents found out about so many lies he has told his father told him "that girl or your family" and if were to pick me he'd be disowned. So I was left. I feel so used, I feel so guilty for what I have done. I, in the end was left anyways when the one thing that kept me going through with surgery was so I WOULDN'T lose Chris. and I DID! I'm so mad, sad, everything emotion other than happy you can think of. Because of all the lies his parents felt he needed to end the relationship so he could focus on himself and find himself, find why the hell he has been lying. Basically he needs time to become a man because he's not, he fears his dad more than anything which was the root to his lying so he wouldn't get mad or disappointed in him and well that just back fired on him big time. Hurt me, himself and his family worse than anything truth would have if he has only been honest.

It's been a week since we've been apart and I'm still such a mess. I'm torn because we do still talk and I tried to tell him "we can be on a break while figure out what you have to do to better yourself" and he tells me hes in so condition to be in a relationship right now. So here I am, alone again, oh but he is still a friend :-/ I guess better than nothing?

This week I've just been praying like there is no tomorrow, trying with all my strength to stay positive and keep hope that things will work out in the end...

So that is where my life is at this point. A MESS!

Surgery wise and weight wise everything is just fine. Oh and as far as my narcotic addition, that is taken care of. My doctors are well aware of everything going on and are staying on top on me.

I will try to write more. I'm sorry for it being so so long!

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