November 06, 2008

I'm Not a Failure

My goodbyes were said, the bags were packed, and although mentally I was fragile I was ready to go. So 4:00 in the morning came along; Mom and I were in the car starting our 7 hour journey to Whittier, CA. My mind was set in the future, trying to imagine myself in a treatment center and I could picture what I thought it would look like but I could not see myself there as much as I tried, but I ignored those feelings. Mom and I were having fun, we both enjoy road trips. We were talking, signing, laughing, etc. Just being in a fragile state of mind I would think a thought and just start crying. I was scared and very overwhelmed...STILL overwhelmed. The tears would just come and go, whether I liked it or not.

When we on the road the Treatment center was on, I was more nervous and scared than ever. I seriously could have thrown up if I had food in my stomach at the time. After arriving it was like they just swept me away when all I wanted to do was spend as many of those last seconds as I could with my mom. They first took me to get height and weight, got me naked to check for "marks they should make notes of" (do I look like a cutter?). Then a dietition took me into her office where she went through a serious of questions with me. Had the nerve to question my answers "Are you just telling me what i want to hear?" and telling me how if with gastric bypass I can handle the sugar in a banana i'd have no problem with a Boost drink. Ms. know it all seem to have forgotten that there is a difference between sugar sugar and fruit sugars. Maybe not for all but for my body it knows the difference!

The place was beautiful, my room was so cute. There was two bed but I was going to be the only one in the room at the time and I dont know if it worked or not but it had a fireplace. The kitchen was so HUGE and modern style it was amazing, wish my kitchen at home looked like that! As my mom and I were being given a tour I was taking notice that wow these other patients (or clients as they called them) looked really, really young. When we, once again, got back to the waiting room we both were given lots of papers to sign. The whole time I felt so uneasy and the welcome packet with all their rules made the CCP look like a vacation. They had what they call "Phases" Pre-phase-Phrase 4. Each phase can last from 1-4 weeks, depending on your progress and they had almost a check list/to-do list before you got moved up. No Ipods until you got to phase 2, more privledges and less restriction as you moved up in the phases; made me look at it as a prison almost. You have to count outloud while in the bathroom, let nurses check toliet before flushing or running sink water. No bedroom time until bedtime. I know they have their rules for a reason, it's an eating disorder place. But come on do you really wanna check poop? Eewww!

Cherry on the sundae! Ready?! They had NOT even gotten insurance approval for my stay there! and at $1,100 a day I could NOT stay there out of pocket! We drove down to southern CA because we were told it was their center with the oldest crowd, so when I joined a program for young adults ages 19-25. Sorry for expecting others to be 19-25. So when I got there and found out that me being 19 I was going to be the oldest in the house? All other patients were 14-17. I was mad, hurt, I was lied to or miscommunication. They had acted like used car salesmen, leaving out a few "minor" details.

God didn't want me there. I feel if it was within his will he would have kept me there. It wasn't a waste of trip at all though, mom and I got some really good quality time. As L.G. said "Car time is good talk time". This doesn't mean I'm home and life goes on as if nothing happened. Sure, I'm home but I'm still sick. I'm eating and not restricting or even listening to Mia in my head. Gym is fun, not doing it compusively. I do understand, I have been down this road before, a year ago. Got put in the hospital, came home and was doing great until a year later. I'm going to look into out-patient treatment, establish myself with a person locally I can talk to, and continue to go to Recovery Ministry with the church.....

So, I am home. I was scared to tell people because I didn't want to be judged as a failure or weak. But no one has made me feel that way so far. Everyone around me is just being so positive, thank you!

Time to get ready for the day! take Care!



Ashley said...

Kylie! You are so not a failure! I am so proud of you!! For admitting to have a problem and trying to get help, that shows so much courage from you!! You are super amazing, i love you xoxo

beth said...

I am glad to read this, you sound like you are on a better path. :) :)

Michelle "Shelly" said...

Sending love & good wishes my friend. Always around if you need an ear. ~Michelle

Kaitlyn said...

Keep your chin up, and eyes looking upward. I am always here if you need to talk, text me okay? Looks like my surgery isn't going to be until March or April now, because the insurance. I hope you are doing better and finding a local counselor to talk to.