Ky's WLS journey and Thoughts.

One Year Ago....

2009-10-07T11:49:00.001-07:00

A year ago was one, if not THEE worse day of my life.

It amazes me how much can change within a year; it amazes me yet at the same time it scares me.

Oct 7th, 2008. I might have lost who I thought was the person for me, I might have made a mistake that I will always regret by going through with that surgery. You just have to remember that God is always there to guide you, the rough times in life, the bad times in life might feel like punishment but its not. Our God is not a punishing God, he loves all of us and when times get rough is the ONLY time most of us look to him for advice, its the ONLY time we pray yet its times like that when he listens to us the most.
Though it was painful and brought my life down a dark road, I thank God everyday for letting me experience that year because if it wasn't for those times I was overly drunk on my back door step, if it wasn't for those times I was laying there wanting to die or over medicating myself to ease the emotional pain I would have never found who God is and what he does for us. He stripped me from all things I relied on to keep me happy. So I had no choice but to look to him for comfort and honestly during those times at church, during those times I prayed or simply just talked to God those were the times I felt most at peace with life.

Oct. 7th 2009. Life is still hard, but it so many different ways... I won't sit here and bitch because when is life NOT hard in some aspect? The difference between today and a year ago is I truely found the love of my life, my husband Taylor. We are almost 3-months pregnant with our little miracle. With my husband's help I've found the courage to strip my life of negative people, I won't and don't associate with anyone that is only looking to bring me down. Sure in the process I lost a lot of people I called friends but the people I do still have in my life are TRUE friends; I'd rather have 3 TRUE friends than 100s of "friends" if that makes sense.
Taylor right now is in WI, for deployment training. He gets to come home for about a week or so and God knows I can not wait to see him though it will be bittersweet, he leaves again Nov 1st for additional training in TX only after TX they dont get to come home they go straight overseas. I know he loves me and he knows I love him with everything that I am. I just worry about him so much, not so much something happening to him physically because I know he's a fighter and will kick major ass if needed. I'm just so scared and worried about him mentally. Im scared he will lose who he is, the man I fell in love with. I feel like he is a strong man yet so fragile, I don't know its just something I feel when I'm around him. Being his wife of course I'll worry. But I knew what I was getting myself into when I said "I do" and he knows I am here by his side no matter what.
It amazes me how much can change in a year and at the same time it scares me. What will change in the following year? What will change while Taylor is away? Will I stay the same woman I am today? If I do change, it will be for the better right? How will Taylor change? Will our love change? If so, How?

And with this Ring.

2009-08-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's almost been 2-months since Taylor and I have started dating. Life has been so perfect; he is so perfect. If I had sat down and written out my "perfect" man before I met him he is all of that and so much more. I am so in love with him! Countless prayers and countless tears, God finally answered my prayers.

Taylor accepts me for me, doesn't judge me for things I've done in my past and to my suprise our pasts are not much different. But I'm not going into too much detail with that because thats his story to tell not mine. He gets along with everyone that is important to me, my family adores him but most importantly he makes me so happy and doesnt even have to try.

My birthday was August 1st, I didn't have much planned because I wanted more than anything to just be with him. My birthday wish came true! My baby came a few days before my birthday and stayed a few days after.. The day before my birthday we hung out mostly, didn't do much but thats what I LOVE about him is we can do NOTHING all day and it would still be the best day ever. We were both hungry later that night and he suggested we go eat and then go to my favorite spot by the beach and just hang out. So we went to eat and were talking, just so in love. After dinner it was about 11:30 and we drove out to my spot (now our spot) Rockview, right off of East Cliff dr. "How romantic" I thought, "getting a birthday kiss right at midnight at our beach spot". We put the truck bed down, had blankets and just snuggled up, talking and watching the waves. He told me he would be right back he had to check the time; it was 12:02am on my birthday. He took my hand and we walked over closer to the cliffs and he asked me "Baby, do you know what so special about today?". I started going on and on "well its my birthday, im turning 20, later today is Sophias birthday party, etc etc" then he got down on one knee and OH MY GOD I couldn't believe what was happening.

Taylor asked me to marry him that night and of course I said YES! So here we are, engaged and more in love than ever! I am still in shock to this day that I will be his Mrs. Hahn soon. It takes time but with consistant prayer; God does help good people who might have just been broken or lost like we both were before we met eachother.

We both were really broken and lost. Didn't know what life had in store for us, or what was to become of us. He really saved me from who I was becoming and he tells me that I saved him. God works in mysterious ways, in ways no one will ever understand. He gave us the gift of eachother and I am so in love with Taylor.

Summer Romance

2009-08-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

I say goodbye to the dark, sad, pathedic girl I once was. Yes I wasn't the greatest person in the past, I had let addictions take over my life but all I wanted, more than anything was for someone to truly love me. Behind the selfish, drug addict was a girl that had so much love to give and just wanted someone that would love and treat her the same. In the beginning of June, I finally made a profile on this dating site my friend Shantelle told me about called http://www.plentyoffish.com/ and to my suprise not even a week later I came across this guys profile that really caught my eye, he was physically my definition of perfect, his "about me" thing was cute and humorous; I really wanted to contact him but he lived in Southern CA and was soon to be deployed because he is in the Army Reserve. I've done the long distance thing in the past, for 2 years, and one of my biggest but not well known fear has always been falling for someone who was in the Army because of what is required from them (getting deployed).

I moved on, went to work but couldn't get this guy off my mind. So when I got home I wanted to write to him, take my chances. It's the interenet I figured what did I have to lose? I wasn't having the best of luck with men so one more let down wasn't going to do much to me. I couldn't find him when I got home, it sucked but it wasn't ment to be I guessed. Well I did end up finding him again a few hours later. I wrote him a message telling him exactly what I thought about him it was somewhere along the lines of "Hey my names Kylie, I know you don't know me and I dont know you but I saw your profile and WOW you are like the perfect guy for me from what I've seen and what I've read. Hope to hear back from you". I never thought I'd get a response. BUT I DID! While I was at my little sister's Preschool graduation (they have a graduation for everything now a days). I was getting busy that day so I gave him my number and told him to feel free to text or call.

Well hours went by with no response, no call and no text. "damn it" I thought. I thought I put myself to out there, that maybe I should have just let the emailign go back and fourth and little longer before I gave my number, but oh well couldn't do anything about it then. I went to brother's high school graduation, his after party and that night towards the end of the party I had a break down. I was crying my eyes out, having a panic attack, spilling my guts to my dad. My two grandmas were talking about grandchildren; Nani was saying how she loves having great grandchildren and my Grammy doesn't have any yet and was saying how she would love some (kind of looked at me when she said that). I know she didn't mean anything by it but it broke my heart, it made me start thinking about what Chris and I had done, about the abortion, etc. How I should be a mommy right now and I just started to feel so guilty which is what triggered the break down.

I was feeling punished for my addictions, punished for the abortion. I didn't understand why I was having such bad luck with men, why I couldn't be happy and everyone around me was.. My two bestfriend are in relationships (Brooke being so in love and Ashley engaged). Chris had moved on and was happy with another girl; Israel was happy with a girl as well. I guess it was Chris being happy with someone else is what got to me the most. I thought "How can someone who has wronged someone else (me) not get any karma and not feel any guilt for anything he's done yet still be able to move on and be happier than ever?"

Later that night this guy (Taylor) did end up text messaging me asking me if he could call me and he did! We had the most amazing 10 hour conversation, it went all through the night well into the next morning. After that call I knew he was someone I couldn't let go even if he did live 6 hours away. Days went by and we still talked every day for hours and when we weren't on the phone we were texting. He was so perfect and I wanted to be his girlfriend so bad but kept my cool because I didn't want to come off desprate or anything. After 2 weeks of talking we BOTH knew we HAD to meet; so he came up here for the weekend.

Honestly, it was love at first sight. He asked me to be his girlfriend the next day of being here (June 20th, 2009).

A year for Recovery

2009-01-14T15:59:00.001-08:00

It’s been a new year for exactly 2 weeks today or 14 days however you prefer to look at it. I’ve been so on the go lately I’ve neglected this blog and I’m sorry for those who read it regularly.
Since the last time I wrote back in November my life has taken a whole 180. Christopher Galli is out of my life completely, I don’t care to get into details as to what happened but after hearing what his father said I know have come to the understanding that our whole relationship was a lie and I pray for him every night because there is just something not right. He is in Arizona now with another girl and I just hope he is doing well. I now can hold my head up high and proudly say I am OVER him, thank you God.
It took one last suicide attempt to come to realization that I was over him, though. A few days before Christmas I had drank a good amount of alcohol to wash down 20 Vicodins and a bottle of Prozac and in all my drunkenness I had called my best friend Brooke who freaked out and came over to my house and proceeded to rush me to the hospital. I was pissed at her at the time but now am so thankful she did so because I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for her. I was put in a Behavior Health Unit for 48hours after my ER visit what a hell place that was…

I had been keeping it a secret from everyone but I started on my vicodin binging again weeks prior to the suicide attempt and I started drinking hard alcohol every night till I blacked out so I didn’t have to feel the pain of life that I was feeling. Life spiraled downward at such a fast pace when I look back now it is a scary thing to see. All my skeletons were forced out of my closet after that hospital stay. 3rd attempted in 2 months, my parents were fed up with my behavior and were not going to take it any longer; in all honesty I don’t blame them. I was left with no choice but Rehab. After talking things out and my parents making a contract with me for my safety we decided as a family to do Intense Out Patient Treatment with The Camp in Scotts Valley, CA.

I am now in my 2nd week of The Camp and it has been a rough two weeks but it is something I have to do for my family but most importantly for myself… I have been attending AA and NA meetings regularly. IOP (intense outpatient treatment) groups meet Monday, Tuesday and Thursday’s 6:00-9:00pm seems like a lot but it really is “FUN” is you can believe it. I have met some really great people already, who are there to help and support me, that’s what I really needed. By no means am I cured at all, I sit here now at work looking into the pharmacy fantasizing about Vicodin or I go home just wishing I could have a drink, just one.

As far as Gastric bypass goes and my eating disorder I have been really well; eating regularly, taking my vitamins, exercise is lacking but it’s still there at least once a week. I feel like I can just eat like a normal person now, I have been eating what I want without a 2nd thought… Well maybe a 2nd though but not enough to make me put it down and I really haven’t gained anything, I’ve been maintaining which is what everyone wanted all along. Why am I the last to figure it out?

Now two weeks into 2009, I am the happiest I have been in months. I’m enjoying life, getting myself help and it feels good to walk with my head held high and not care what others think. I’m done obsessing about the rumors that have gone around town about me and are still going around. I know they are not true and who ever is doing the lying and what now it will come back. Karma’s a bitch.

I'm Not a Failure

2008-11-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

My goodbyes were said, the bags were packed, and although mentally I was fragile I was ready to go. So 4:00 in the morning came along; Mom and I were in the car starting our 7 hour journey to Whittier, CA. My mind was set in the future, trying to imagine myself in a treatment center and I could picture what I thought it would look like but I could not see myself there as much as I tried, but I ignored those feelings. Mom and I were having fun, we both enjoy road trips. We were talking, signing, laughing, etc. Just being in a fragile state of mind I would think a thought and just start crying. I was scared and very overwhelmed...STILL overwhelmed. The tears would just come and go, whether I liked it or not.

When we on the road the Treatment center was on, I was more nervous and scared than ever. I seriously could have thrown up if I had food in my stomach at the time. After arriving it was like they just swept me away when all I wanted to do was spend as many of those last seconds as I could with my mom. They first took me to get height and weight, got me naked to check for "marks they should make notes of" (do I look like a cutter?). Then a dietition took me into her office where she went through a serious of questions with me. Had the nerve to question my answers "Are you just telling me what i want to hear?" and telling me how if with gastric bypass I can handle the sugar in a banana i'd have no problem with a Boost drink. Ms. know it all seem to have forgotten that there is a difference between sugar sugar and fruit sugars. Maybe not for all but for my body it knows the difference!

The place was beautiful, my room was so cute. There was two bed but I was going to be the only one in the room at the time and I dont know if it worked or not but it had a fireplace. The kitchen was so HUGE and modern style it was amazing, wish my kitchen at home looked like that! As my mom and I were being given a tour I was taking notice that wow these other patients (or clients as they called them) looked really, really young. When we, once again, got back to the waiting room we both were given lots of papers to sign. The whole time I felt so uneasy and the welcome packet with all their rules made the CCP look like a vacation. They had what they call "Phases" Pre-phase-Phrase 4. Each phase can last from 1-4 weeks, depending on your progress and they had almost a check list/to-do list before you got moved up. No Ipods until you got to phase 2, more privledges and less restriction as you moved up in the phases; made me look at it as a prison almost. You have to count outloud while in the bathroom, let nurses check toliet before flushing or running sink water. No bedroom time until bedtime. I know they have their rules for a reason, it's an eating disorder place. But come on do you really wanna check poop? Eewww!

Cherry on the sundae! Ready?! They had NOT even gotten insurance approval for my stay there! and at $1,100 a day I could NOT stay there out of pocket! We drove down to southern CA because we were told it was their center with the oldest crowd, so when I joined a program for young adults ages 19-25. Sorry for expecting others to be 19-25. So when I got there and found out that me being 19 I was going to be the oldest in the house? All other patients were 14-17. I was mad, hurt, I was lied to or miscommunication. They had acted like used car salesmen, leaving out a few "minor" details.

God didn't want me there. I feel if it was within his will he would have kept me there. It wasn't a waste of trip at all though, mom and I got some really good quality time. As L.G. said "Car time is good talk time". This doesn't mean I'm home and life goes on as if nothing happened. Sure, I'm home but I'm still sick. I'm eating and not restricting or even listening to Mia in my head. Gym is fun, not doing it compusively. I do understand, I have been down this road before, a year ago. Got put in the hospital, came home and was doing great until a year later. I'm going to look into out-patient treatment, establish myself with a person locally I can talk to, and continue to go to Recovery Ministry with the church.....

So, I am home. I was scared to tell people because I didn't want to be judged as a failure or weak. But no one has made me feel that way so far. Everyone around me is just being so positive, thank you!

Time to get ready for the day! take Care!

Love,
Kylie

Center For Discovery.

2008-11-03T14:59:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a month since surgery and our break-up. Chris wants nothing to do with me and has asked that I leave him be. I tried all I could, I wasn't ready to let him go, I wasn't ready to do the friendship thing. I lost it, cried many tears, wasn't eating, hardly going to work; all I wanted was to be with him again, everything just happened so sudden and in such a fragile time when I needed the support from my significant other because of OUR decision I was abandoned.

I've come to realize that I was being stubborn and rebel against God's will. I prayed to God "give me give me give me". Now in prayer, I let God know my problems, how I'm feeling, that I love him, I pray for strength, courage and the well being of everyone around me even my enemies and then I just leave it up to God. For I need to live by his will not my own. Through all this pain, I have found my relationship with God again and it is such a great feeling to know that someone is always there with loving arms. I've re-committed myself to God and it has been the best thing I have ever done.

On 10/29 I was re-admitted to the CCP (Eating Disorder unit for Lucile Packard), because of all of life's stress this past month I had felt I lost all control. My eating however was one thing I found I could still control. I admit that I really was living off of coffee for almost a month, going to the gym everyday exercising like crazy. I had relapsed and started taking the narcotics again. Even though Chris had flushed all the pills I had at the time I was able to get more and started using again. I wasn't proud, I felt guilty hiding it from everyone, I felt like a failure. So many teenagers looking up to me, being told I was the poster child for Teen gastric bypass and here I was addicted to pain-killer, letting anorexia and bulimia take over me. What kind of role model am I?
I want help. My parents, doctors and I had already been in the process of looking into different Treatment centers (IE: Rehab) but no one knew it was still currently happening. So I spent 4 days in the CCP and came home on Sunday (Yes, i was in there again for another Halloween, oh lucky me!). I'm eating now, still emotionally so fragile, all I can do is just talk, talk, talk and talk to God. Keeping myself busy, staying focused on getting myself better.

Just When I Thought Things Were "PERFECT"

2008-10-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh, I can't believe the last time I wrote was back in June. If anyone still reads my blog I'm so so sorry!

So much has happened lately. I'm 100% recovered from my plastic surgeries, tummy looks great! the boobs are amazing! Really no complications other than pains lasting longer than I had expected.

I'm here and I am able to admit a lot that has happened. After my tummy tuck I was prescribed Norco a pain killer drug. Then again for my breast augmentation. By the time the pain was gone, I already loved the feeling the drugs were giving me, so I kept getting refills, months after surgery. I was in denial but I was defiantly addicted to them. I went as far as asking my best friend to fake a headache to get me more because I got to the point where one or two pills a day were not enough I was up to 7 or 8. I depended on them.

Back in September, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Of course not expected and very shocked. We were both so scared, he especially was scared of his parents because his father told him early on if this had ever happened he would be disowned. "We cant keep it" was one of the first things I heard from him as he was shaking and almost in tears from fear. That night, I was devastated, I am against abortion and always have been unless it was in a case of rape. I tried to drink myself to death the night we found out. I was rushed to the hospital and had my stomach pumped with an alcohol level of 2.6!

I was thankful I didn't succeed. I wasn't thinking straight and can't even stand the sight of alcohol let alone the smell.... *puke* The following Monday I made an appointment to see an OB/GYN to confirm the pregnancy, she did an ultrasound and saw nothing, but my blood tests said otherwise. "come back in a week" so I did and still nothing yet my blood levels were going up as they should if you are pregnant. Since there were different abortion medications she could give me she wanted to know for sure before she gave me one or the other. So "come back in a week" is what I heard.

Nothing was available in a week and ended up having to come back in 2 weeks. She did another ultrasound and sure enough there was something clear in sight and it was too late for a pill. There was no other option other than surgery.

I thought to myself, no way. I can't do that, I just cant I refused. I tried so many times to convince Chris but he so set on his way, he told me it would not only hurt him but his whole family would devastated, his dreams of becoming a firefighter would be shot to hell and he told me he doesn't know if he could be there for me if I were to keep it. Me caring TOO much for others and not wanting to lose him; kept going with the plan to have surgery. Got a pre-op appointment, a surgery date. I was so scared and so sad I felt forced to do something I was against, but just prayed God would forgive me.

To make this story shorter... I had surgery and that same night Chris left me.. Not by choice his parents found out about so many lies he has told his father told him "that girl or your family" and if were to pick me he'd be disowned. So I was left. I feel so used, I feel so guilty for what I have done. I, in the end was left anyways when the one thing that kept me going through with surgery was so I WOULDN'T lose Chris. and I DID! I'm so mad, sad, everything emotion other than happy you can think of. Because of all the lies his parents felt he needed to end the relationship so he could focus on himself and find himself, find why the hell he has been lying. Basically he needs time to become a man because he's not, he fears his dad more than anything which was the root to his lying so he wouldn't get mad or disappointed in him and well that just back fired on him big time. Hurt me, himself and his family worse than anything truth would have if he has only been honest.

It's been a week since we've been apart and I'm still such a mess. I'm torn because we do still talk and I tried to tell him "we can be on a break while figure out what you have to do to better yourself" and he tells me hes in so condition to be in a relationship right now. So here I am, alone again, oh but he is still a friend :-/ I guess better than nothing?

This week I've just been praying like there is no tomorrow, trying with all my strength to stay positive and keep hope that things will work out in the end...

So that is where my life is at this point. A MESS!

Surgery wise and weight wise everything is just fine. Oh and as far as my narcotic addition, that is taken care of. My doctors are well aware of everything going on and are staying on top on me.

I will try to write more. I'm sorry for it being so so long!

Plastic Surgery take two

2008-06-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

Kylie is under the knife once again today at 2:00 pm, this time it is for the breast lift and augmentation that had to be delayed due to money issues.

So I am super hungry and crazy thirsty right now, you know the *no eating or drinking past midnight* policy.

I am recovering really well from the Tummy tuck that was done May 19th. I got both of my drains removed finally, my pain is gone and all that is really happening is the suture line is very itchy and I have to still wear my binder. I wasn't aware of this a few weeks ago so I wasn't wearing it and I got fluid pockets which had to be drained...So I have been wearing it religiously since and yet I still got a fluid pocket that will probably get drained before surgery today. It's actually pretty funny its like your tummy is a water bed, feels creepy. So for those of you considering a tummy tuck... As uncomfortable and irritating as it will be, WEAR YOUR BINDER! WHY? When they cut the skin and pull it down, etc there is empty space between your abdominal wall and skin. The binder holds them together allowing them to reconnect and when you don't wear the binder there is nothing pushing them together and the body doesn't like empty spaces so it starts to fill it with fluids.

I am really excited about surgery today, boobies boobies boobies!! Finally, it's not fun and your self confidence takes a major beating when your 18 years old and have wrinkled shrivled up "boobs". Honestly, grandma has a better set of girls than I do right now..

It's so amazing to be going through this, I've it before and I'm saying it again. Final chapters of "FAT Kylie" are being closed.

I will try to write sometime this week... Before and after pictures will be posted.

Pray for me!
-Kylie

Nip and Tucked Part 1

2008-05-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 days since my tummy tuck. Although everything is very swollen and bloated; my stomach is numb, muscles are out of order and I have JP drains sticking out of me, I must say I am SO happy. If this is how my stomach looks 4 days after surgery I can't wait to see what it will look like after a month or so. It's incredible I have never looked like this the emotions are overwhelming.

I feel like I'm finally breaking out of the cocoon and becoming the beautiful butterfly I've always dreamed of being.

It's hard to say goodbye to Israel but it's time for me to move on and live a happy, healthy life. I've cried too many tears and lost too many hours of sleep, with that said I am in a new relationship. The man I've mentioned before, Chris, who I was talking to while Israel was still around, who I wanted to be with so badly but his parents wouldn't allow it.

Well his parents don't know but are coming around slowly and we are together it's only been less than a week but we've been talking for 5months almost like we've been dating the whole time. I am soo in love and so happy. My parents adore him, he respects them and it's just so perfect.

He has helped me so much after surgery, draining my JP drains, keeping me on track with my medicines, helping me change my bandages, etc etc. I mean I've never been cared for by a man like that I love it and he WANTS to do it which makes it that much better. Again lots of changes and many more to come.

Pictures have been taken *before and recovery* but I don't want to post them until I take afters as well. Just be patient!

Going to go rest now, thank you for reading!

Love,
Kylie

She's a Barbie Girl

2008-04-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Good New!!! Insurance company has approved me for the tummy tuck! No appeal or anything I feel very lucky about that! But I can't help thinking "wow guess I really was bad enough to be approved!" LOL. Boobies of course where not approved and were ruled out as cosmetic surgeries. Figured. 1 out 2 not bad.

So I had 2wks prior to May 19th to get $8,715 to the hospital. My loan is lagging and I couldn't get it to them in time. So now May19th is for a tummy tuck only. Disappointing? Defiantly! But looking on the bright side the tummy tuck was the most important, the procedure that is going to give me something I've always wanted and never had which is obviously a flat "normal" looking stomach. So many emotions surround this surgery I know to most people it sounds dumb but to other post-op maybe even pre-op gastric bypass patients its a dream come true. Getting this procedure done is a HUGE step to closing the chapter of obesity in my life.

As for the breast lift and augmentation because of the money issue I have a new surgery date for them and that is June 25th.
I can't wait I'm so excited about these surgeries as most women would be... It's giving me back something gastric bypass surgery took away and that was a larger chest.. No I'm not getting DD's to be just how I was before gastric bypass of course not! I'm getting size that will look natural yet still give me that womanly chest, give me that boost of confidence.. to feel sexy again... to feel like a woman again!

So many changes are happening in my life again, all at once. Funny how God does this huh? Things are slow, going day by day than BAM! Life gets flipped upside down! Crazyness! It has all been so positive though, I can truly say I'm so happy with life right now everything just feels so right.

It's 3:00AM I will of course write again before surgery.. And MANY MANY pictures will be taken of this journey. Befores, during *or at least in the hospital* and afters.

I thank everyone takes time out and reads this and of course the people that have been following this crazy journey! You don't understand how much it means to me!

THANK YOU!

NEW BOOBIES?

2008-03-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

Met Dr. Kerley (plastic surgeon for Santa Cruz Medical Foundation) for a consultation on possible tummy tuck, boob lift and implants (lets just make the terms easy okay?!)

She was confident in getting the lift and tuck covered by insurance which is pretty cool..

I'm young and was not as heavy as most; even was considered a "light weight" at 256lbs if you can believe that! Doesn't matter how young or small/big you are, loose skin is going to come after you after gastric bypass..

My girls are a sad excuse for a chest.. my tummy. its my apron.. haha I'm turning you on aren't I?

Used to be fallingout of a DD and to be told I could fill a small B... excuse me?! SMALL B CUP?! I could cry!!! It was also nice to hear a Dr. say your have almost no fat on your stomach, its all skin "I've seen more fat on girls at the beach in bikinis that i feel here, you just have lots of skin!"

I call tomorrow to check status on the insurance see where it's at. They will just love me at the end of this, journey.. I feel like I'm starting over, hope its not a fight like it was with the gastric bypass!! but if it oh well what can ya do the end results will be worth..

Anyone out there have any advice on what to do? What should I expect?

Until next time......

It's Only March God

2008-03-09T08:32:00.001-07:00

I knew 2008 was going to be a year for change in my life. It's only march.

God why couldn't you spread change out over the year or at least a few more months?
I'm lost and torn, confused and scared, happy and alive, relieved and worried; is it possible for one woman to feel so many emotions at once?

God, why did change have to hit so hard and be so dramatic, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, can you shine it a little brighter? I know no one should ever question your ways, my life is playing out the way it should be right? I know I shouldnt ask, but God I want answers, I need answers. I'm afraid of being alone; so many people around me that love, care and are there for me why do i feel so alone?

God, did I already for fall for another person so soon after Israel? Am I just in wishful thinking? We both don't think it will ever work, why are you keeping us together? Is there something positive coming that we might not know? Or are we in for heartache another lesson learned?

I told myself it was a bad idea "Don't get caught up Kylie" He's just so perfect as a person only flaw are the people around him. Can a 3rd party really keep two people from eachother?

God...

Are you still listening?

I just want to know if I should keep going or move on? I wanted to walk away before I got attached, why didn't I? Is there something there I need to stick around for? You did not let me walk away I hope there was a reason for that, I shouldn't question your ways, you know what your doing.

You've made me so scared yet so excited for the rest of the year. I hope Isreal moving away and me staying where I am is the right move for both of us. You wouldn't stear me wrong would you God?

I pray.. I pray the situation you have put me in has a happy ending, I pray that even if me and him don't work together it works out in other ways with as little heartache as possible, I do hope we work out though, will is parents ever losen up? Should I be taking that as your sign to leave?

I'm so happy, scared, lonely, mad, excited, nervous. Help me, God my emotions are taking over my daily living. I'm feeling a little better each day and it hurts.

God, thank you for listening, it's Sunday moring, I'm going to go get ready and visit one of your homes.

Until next time.

The New Year, The New YOU

2008-01-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

What was your new year resolution? Are you sticking to it?

I told myself I was going to go on as many photoshoots as possible. So far..I havn't done any but a few opportunities.. I get nervous though, what do I wear? how should I do my makeup?hair? Do I just leave it how I always do it? wear less? more? AHHHH i just dont know! lol

WLS makes me worried also, some photographers would like to shoot lingerie, semi-nude; I am a very open person and I don't mind these shoots at all, but I question whether they fully understand what the aftermath of surgery look like (IE: lose skin).

Sorry, I havn't written in a long time, lets see here. Well, I started my new job working as a medical record release clerk, I miss Starbucks, I think I miss the fact that Starbucks everyone knew I had the surgery where as here no one knows and maybe its a LEO thing but i miss the attention!! haha I've bee going out a lot more recently, a year and a half after surgery I get the cofindent boost? I have met so many new people recently, I love it. I have a social life, before surgery I didn't even know the definition of that word! LoL Israel and I moved in together, it's nice but also weird to be out of my parents house and to have rent.

Working fulltime now and going out almost everyday after work and not getting home till later in the night, I've become disattached to my WLS friends! I'm sorry! I'm just living life, something surgery helped give me back. I love the stage I am at with the surgery, I can eat anything (limits on the sugar and fat of course) and still maintain or even lose a few pounds right now. Doctors don't want me on a diet, they DON'T want me to lose anymore weight they like where I'm at right now!

Gotta say something to the pre-op people.. The surgery is a living hell the first year or so, I figure you've gone SO many years living hell as a fat person, what's ONE more year of hard work and change? If you can make it through the first year, you reallly will love life after that. You will LOVE the surgery, no doubt you'll still get sick on certain foods but those are just little reminder that your different.. Everyone is different, my surgeons I think didn't make the stomach as small as other surgeons do but in a way I like that. I can go out to eat with friends and sure I still get a box but I can eat enough to where I don't get the "THATS ALL YOUR EATING?" lol I won't lie, I can eat a whole sandwich with some chips on the side, or a whole can of soup no problem *GASP* haha i know people are doing that right now.. But it's normal, I am normal again, ANYONE who is over a year out that still is eating a cup of food at one sitting, thats just not right and your either lieing or ya surgeon made you TINY! lol

Well, I am off to enjoy my weekend, I will keep this thing updated, I miss writing in it.

How would you like a DEEP-FRIED,CHEESE STUFFED, GROUND BACON BURGER?!

-Kylie

CHRISTMAS TIME

2007-12-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year again, time for family, friends, COLD, shopping <3, etc. This year we are not sure what is happening, uncle is suppose to throw Christmas this year...im scared...

So, big chances since the last time I wrote *sorry! for the lack of writing*. Thanksgiving came and went my mom and I did all the cooking it was fun, it was even more special this year because it was my mama's 40th birthday, yup landed RIGHT on thanksgiving.. For her birthday *which we have not done yet and I feel terrible for but it probably wont happen till after the holidays* I am taking her in to get her first tattoo!!!

I also am no longer a Starbucks barista, I work for ACTA medical release INC i know i know "WTF IS THAT?!" It's a company that is in Sutter Medical Clinic *where my mom works* ACTA deals with all the medical record release stuff, its a nice change I like it and pays WAY more than Starbucks, I get weekends/holidays off AANNDD i get to dress like a girl AANNDD i get to get my nails done + its full time!!

Since out of the hospital, I have been doing very well on my eating and vitamin taking, its hard and a struggle but I'm getting it done, seriously people take your vitamins, eat right, dont end up where I was. I NEVER EVER want to be back in that place.

Well there is my quick update on life, I will try to write again before Christmas...

oh and i changed my hair color!

Hospital Stay.

2007-11-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

Bulimia is like cancer, it always happens to the other person, never you. I got a huge slap in the face a week ago, I was admitted to the hospital to monitor my heart.

I had been having fainting spells and things were just not right with me. So my doctor wanted me to come to a hospital where she could watch me. El Camino Hospital LPCH eating disorder facility is where I found myself Monday*10/29* night. I was told my heart was going to be monitored for 48hours. I guess my heart was worse than they thought because I ended up staying a week.

During that week so much happened, I met some really interesting girls, we were on a scheduale eating times were planned, school, groups, arts and crafts, movie times, etc. It didn't feel real, I was so sad I had to spend halloween in the hospital but they set stuff up like face paintings, magician show, etc. I'm still so upset I missed halloween with my baby sister but it was for my health I guess I need to get over it. I cried a lot I begged to go home, I tried to leave but was told by going home I run the risk of having a heart attack, my heart was very tired.

why?

I was malnourished, years and years of knowing nothing but how to LOSE weight was stuck in my head being told it's time to maintain; the message wasn't getting through my head, taking my vitamins I lacked, I lacked sleep and started to slip back in my old ways of bulimia; years ago it was a big part in my life secretively, I never got help for it, I never told, I just got over trying to lose weight and it faded out of my life.

Take me as an example. Take your vitamins, when the doctors say eat.. EAT.. Get your sleep, sleep is important, we sometimes think nothing can hurt us its always that "other" person but when it hits you, your in disbelief. don't let it hit you.

I'm home now and doing good, eating every 3 hours getting 6 meals in 1200-1500 calories a day. Learning my body is not like most 18 year olds, I need to sleep full nights of sleep and stay on an eating schedule. It's okay to eat, I'm learning.

Dark Demons of the night

2007-09-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

I went to see the vampires today. Let's ponder that sentence.

I went to see the vampires today. 2 things wrong with this statement.
1. you wouldn't see a vampire in the DAY
2. who in their idiotic mind would WANT to go see a vampire.

Okay so I didn't WANT to go see them but I hadn't a choice. They try to take me over, try to take me in. But I win. I always win that battle.

Today they almost had me, I almost quit. ALMOST. Not only did they need to take the usual 11 tubes of blood, they got greedy nnoo 11 was not enough today, they needed 15.

I got to 8. The room started to spin, my body felt cold, hands and faces sweaty but cold and shakes I had no control of. I had to lay down, at that moment I felt they won. But something came over me and I push ahead finished the remaining 7 tubes and was on my way. All day I have felt weak, dizzy and just drained, literally. Who could blame me?
**********************

I wanted to have fun with my writing. :) Hopefully my blood test comes out 100% a okay!!

One Year.

2007-09-21T19:31:00.001-07:00

My one year anniversary has come and gone. Where did this year go?? Seems like just yesterday I was anticipating surgery.
Well......
A year ago I was falling asleep with a CPAP Machine, to help me breath at night due to my severe sleep apnea.
A year ago I wouldn't dare go anywhere in public without my black jacket to "hide the fat rolls"
A year ago I was losing my eye sight due to PTC.
A year ago I didn't care about myself, I was depressed and always snapped at people around me because of being to hot or uncomfortable with myself *ask Israel*

Everything is a complete 360 turn around now. No more CPAP, no more black jacket, no more worries or scare of losing my eye sight, I'm not depressed, I'm not biting peoples heads off. I've gained self confidence, I love being social and am not afraid of people. I've always had a bright bubbly personality, it just was always covered by all the fears I had built up in my mind. So I'm the same person I have always been, I was just stuck in a "death trap".

So why am I writing about my 1 year so late? Well on my actual 1 year I was in a car with Israel's family driving to Las Vegas for his older sister's wedding. SO much fun BTW. The actual wedding itself was beautiful, short and simple. We were in Vegas, Friday-Sunday; wedding was on Saturday the rest of the time we walked around looked around it was amazing I love it!!! I won some money on a penny slot also! $63, fun stuff.

We then returned back to his family's house in Fontana "so*cal" Sunday night. Monday Israel, Kimberly and I went to Knott's Berry Farm. It was so much fun, and it was DEAD! NO waiting for any rides. Tuesday we hung out with his mom and her friends, a tarot card reader read Israel and i as a couple; don't judge if you don't believe in it that's fine leave your comments out the door. What she had to say was amazing, some negative but for the most part everything was pretty positive and reassuring. Wednesday, we all went to an Angel's game, my god i love that stadium but I will always be a RedSox girl at heart, later that night we went to Newport beach, I defiantly wouldn't mind living there just like Santa Cruz only 10x bigger and more to do, things that Santa Cruz lacks big time . We arrived back home yesterday, today I had all my doctor appointments and I had lost 3 more pounds, probably more but while we were in Vegas/SoCal we did nothing but eat out we were always on the run and although I made healthier choices it was still eating out. For maintaining phase 3 pounds, I'll take it.

Everything was fairly normal and routine at the docs today. They are happy with me and that makes me feel good. I have to work on my old habits peeking their ugly heads, like forceful throwing up. I am sure will be resolved with doctors help and Israel getting PISSED OFF that I did it. I don't even know why I allowed myself to, stupid stupid.

So everything is going well, I am happy but most importantly healthy. I am enjoying life and living life to the fullest. Now in my journey is just my goal to not gain weight but to also avoid losing to much weight. I believe my body likes where it is at right now makes it a tad bit easier to maintain.

So what's next in my life? I am going to be focusing on working and saving money to move with Israel to southern California in the first few weeks on January. We have been planning this move for years we would talk about and say "only 4 more years" and here it is 3-4months away. I am overwhelmed with excitement. No doubt I am scared and it is a huge change for me, but it will be good for me, I would like to be on my own, let me rephrase that I'd like US to be on our own. Sure we will be living with his parents for a few months till we are situated down there, in the meantime we will be working and building our company. It will all be positive I would never put myself in situation that I wasn't comfortable with. But I know if the worst case scenario my parents would always allow me to come back and his parents would help us out as well.

With ALL that said. I am going to get some rest, I work real early tomorrow morning, first day back after my vacation. So have a great night and I will write again real soon.

Take care!
-Kylie :)

Chameleons

2007-08-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have to stop for a moment and clue you in on what is going on. I might have posted about it before but I can't remember so here it goes...

Israel and I are building a company breeding, raising and selling panther chameleons. So purchases our first chameleon, Toby who is a panther morph male. Then we got Skittles a panther morph female, later we got Bentley our Ambanja panther. They were all babies when we first got them, since then Toby and Skittles have grown they will be a year old in December, Bentley is still the little baby of the bunch we are guessing he is about 4-months.

Well on Sunday we took a trip to the westside of Santa Cruz's TropicAquirium petstore, just to look aroud when ran into a Sambava panther chameleon. oooooo my god I fell in love we looked at him and left, i couldn't stop talking about him or thinking about him. So we called back, and we got the price down, they were asking for $500 cage, lights, etc all included.. $500 for a pure Sambava male, fullgrown is a GREAT price alone. But we got em down to $400 which was just a total steal for us!!

So now we have Mango he is a 2 year old Sambava panther male and he is gorguoes

Well, we put him in the cage with Skittles and within seconds, they were doin their thang!! That's right in about 6wks we will have eggs! 7-11months later we will have babies to sell.!!!!!! We are just so excited that the business is taking off, we are both just overwelmed with happyness....

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/CAMEOCHAMS

We have pictures, videos, etc all on our myspace page. so please go check it out!!

Cameo Chameleons is on it's way.. WATCH OUT WORLD!!!

-kylie

Body Image Part1

2007-08-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Putting on a pair of jeans "ew no way" *on the floor it goes* what about this skirt "ugh not with these fat legs" *on the floor* maybe these pants "i guess they will do but god i hate my butt"

Now it's time to pick a shirt.... this one? "no! you can see the fat in my arms" *on the floor* oh I love this shirt! "damn it its to small now, it shrunk." *thrown across the room* Lets try the one "its long so it covers my fat lower stomach and it covers my flabby butt, my arms could look better but it works i guess"

Do you EVER go through this? I have to honestly say, I go through this every day. Even when I feel like I have found the outfit for the day, I might change 1/2 way through because I felt great in it until I got in public. "Is my shirt rising?" **Pulls down on the shirt** I dont want people too see my lower stomach.

POOR BODY IMAGE, something most woman, teenagers, even young girls have. I see many people do what I do to check-in with how we look. EVERY SINGLE MIRROR, WINDOW REFLECTION I'll look in, not because I'm conceded.. but because I'm making sure I look okay. "can you see my lower stomach?" "are my legs looking as fat as I feel they are?" "hows my hair?" "my makeup OK?" I'm sorry but I DO care what people think about me.

How am I dealing with this? I keep a journal. Every time I catch myself looking a mirror and a reflection I write down and keep track on **what was a I feeling when I did that?** **How did I feel afterwards?**

So far I see that I "check-in" on average 90 times A DAY! geez. I will take this in to my doctor and we are working on it. I will write more about it when I know more... So far I can tell you keep a log/journal about it.

NEW BLOG PEOPLE!

2007-08-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've decided it's time to make a recipe section of my blog.. sssoooo I created a new blog that I shall post recipes on.

www.kylieswlsrecipes.blogspot.com

much love!
kylie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2007-08-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today was my birthday, I turned 18!! YAY.

I was over at Israel's the night of the July 31st and exactly at midnight Israel started to sing Happy Birthday to me and gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and literally 2 minutes after midnight my mom and dad showed up with a bottle of champagne, singing happy birthday. We all hung out drinking champagne, BEST way to start the day..

I have been planning for months maybe even close to a year to get a tattoo on my 18th birthday, then I finally decided to get it done on the stop of my left foot, I stuck to my plan.. Okay before I go any further, my mom and I were going to get tattoos together it was planned out ready to go.. Back to the story, the whole family *minus Emma who was at daycare* went with me to get my tattoo we got there super early. There are a few car dealerships around so me and Izzy walked around drooling over cars we can't have *YET*. Finally, Tiffany was ready for me. I was told by people that once you get past the outlining of a tattoo, the coloring isn't that bad. OH MY GOD! I know everyone is different, pain levels are different, I have to say coloring for me hurts like a *BBEEEPPP*. Right now it's a throbbing pain, and my left foot is 2x bigger than my right foot from being so swollen right now. But the tattoo is so amazing! I love it so much! I didn't realize I would not be able to wear socks and shoes *flip flops only* for 2 weeks, so I had to get my shifts covered at work, I hope my manager won't be mad at me! Amazing what one will do when the weight comes off, I would have never considered a tattoo before surgery to uncomfortable with myself, but with the weight off and the confidence high I got my tattoo and I'm super proud of it!

Later Israel and I went to Bank Of America and applied for credit cards, girl needs to get some credit established. We will know in a few weeks whether or not we got approved, but the lady said it looked good, then we went over to the mall because Israel said I could pick out something for my birthday present; didn't find anything today plus it was getting late and we were meeting my parents and siblings for dinner.

Mom, Dad, TJ, Emma, Israel and I all went to Hula Tiki bar and Island Grill for dinner. It was good, I got a coconut crusted chicken with a pineapple sauce, sticky rice and black beans, thankfully they didn't tell any waiter/waitresses is was my birthday I lucked out on that!! HA HA I think for the most part everyone enjoyed it, it was something new for us. The place was great also, decorated so neatly!

Now I am at Israel and Cory's house just relaxing, my foot hurts a lot but ahhh I love the tattoo is super pretty!

Israel and I are having our birthday party on saturday *August 4th* so tomorrow my dad and I are going to go food shopping. It should be really fun, we are both SO EXCITED!

Well I am going to go watch Israel play Xbox 360 and finish my left overs from dinner. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! and thank you for everyone that has wished me a happy birthday!

Xoxo,
Kylie (-110lbs)

I'm going to be on TV

2007-07-16T20:27:00.001-07:00

***UPDATE*** http://www.nbc11.com/news/13700103/detail.html THAT IS THE LINK TO MY NEWS STORY/VIDEO!

Tuesday night 7/17/07 with the 5:00 news on NBC11 *channel 11* in the bay area/408 area code.

Remember I have posted in the past about the story they did about being a teenager and having gastric bypass surgery. They met with me 2 weeks before surgery, they came to the hospital and they did an after *9-months later*

TOMORROW IT WILL FINALLY AIR!!! IM SUPER EXCITED!!! If you have on-demand you can watch it also, if you don't get the channel *like me!* If it gets posted on their website I will post the link when I see it!

**UPDATE** I just got a call from them and I will be in their studio answering live emails after the story airs. super happy. I'm so excited to see the story, I think it will be very interesting to see myself before surgery, I don't remember who that person was...

Watch for it if you can! When I get my copy of it I will youtube it or something.

Love,
Kylie

TAMMIE JOHN THANK YOU

2007-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

You guys thank you so much for giving me the car!!!! I'm super excited and can't wait to get it home! YAY! I just need a lisence now and then Kylie's mobile. WOOHOO!

I wanted to update. Me and Israel are back together, it was hard to be apart, although it wasn't a very long break I think he realized things I wanted him to realize and things seem more relaxed, almost like a fresh relationship but with someone I've known for so long; is this making sense?

I am happy again, so happy. I love him, he's everything to me. He makes me feel so special, so new. He's been with me through thick and thin *literally* lol Anyways I just wanted to let everyone know that I am back with Israel and things are going so wonderful right now, I super happy.

I am turning 18 in 16days!!! and getting a tattoo on my left foot, it's going to be great and I will take a picture and load it on that day.. Israel and I are having our birthday parties together *took some time but I convinced him!* I think it was a GREAT idea and he loves it also now. haha

It's going to be fun I can't wait!!!

Surgery wise, things are going well. Weight loss has slowed down, but it's okay I am happy where I am right now considering I could possible be at my goal after plastic surgery, skin weight and all. Dude, I am such a snacker. KYLIE STOP IT STOP IT! NO SNACKING BAD GIRL!! haha okay now that I punished myself... Dinner is calling my name! Steak and corn YUMMY!!

How is everyone's summer going?

Love,
Kylie (-110lbs)

Thank you for you

2007-06-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to step up and be a woman.

The last 5 years of my life have been sweet and sour. I met someone who changed my life forever, his name is Israel and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be the woman I am today. He helped me through most teenage problems, he was my shoulder to cry on, the one to hold me and comfort me when I was feeling down. He knew how to put a smile on my face, he knew my favorite this and that. He knew how to show me love. We shared many inside jokes *aalleeddeeeuumm*, the simplest things made us happy, getting crickets together, grocery shopping, adventures in the mall or target. Eating Tj's chinese *AANYYTTHHINNGGG EELLSSEEE???*

Israel thank you for the smiles, thank you for the laughs, thank you for helping me grow.

At this point in my life, not even becaue of the surgery, I've changed a lot. 12 to 17 I won't be the same person no body ever is. I want to see what life is like on my own, because I don't know. I want to see how life as an independent woman. I'm not going out, running around, looking for men. No I'm focusing on Kylie, what Kylie needs and hopefully I can come back into your life a new and improved Kylie, who will be mature about things, who will understand and stay on the same pages as you.

It's not easy to let you go, my heart has never ached so badly. My eyes have never shed so many tears.

I hope in this time you grow as a man, I am happy that you are happy to be with your family again I believe it is for the better and I believe that in the end everyone wins because like I was trying to tell you, if we do end up back together and you are downsouth, whats going to happen? I move down there with you? yeah and it would be just like we had planned, you will already be down there stable and ready. I take everything you have ever given me and will use it to my advantage. Israel I love you. I won't say goodbye, but a take care.

-Kylie

YAY EGGFACE

2007-06-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

Michelle, from obesityhelp.com is celebrating her 1 year surgiversay today! I couldn't be more proud of her! She really is an inspiration to me. I always love hearing what she has eaten through out her day! Because it ALL ALWAYS sounds so yummy! She always has the best advice for anyone, in any situation. Anyways I just wanted congratulate her and her success and wish her the BEST of luck!
Her personal blog: http://www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com

9-month Pictures

2007-06-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

9-MONTHS!!!!!

2007-06-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

In 9-months a woman grows a baby
In 9-months a child goes through 1 year of schooling
In 9months Kylie's life has changed dramatically

I look at weight loss as gaining. Does that make sense? You lose so much yet you gain so much more.

I've lost pounds, inches, negativity
I've lost health problems

I've gained friends, confidence, social life
I've gained respect, popularity, health
I've gained happiness, energy, love
I've gained control, knowledge, A LIFE

Official numbers ARE:

BEFORE
256lbs
Shirt size: 2-3XL
Pants: 24-26
BMI: 46.8

9-MONTHS
147lbs
Shirt size: MEDIUM
Pants: 6-10
BMI: 26.5

GOAL:
120-125lbs
Shirt size: DOESN'T MATTER
Pants: DOESN'T MATTER
BMI: 21.9 -24

I really don't care about the sizes but I am not at my own goal yet. I chose a goal weight of 120lbs. Many might and probably will shake their heads at me, but 5'2 and 120lbs puts in the NORMAL range as far as my BMI goes. I'd like to know how much body fat % I've lost, anyone know how to calculate that?

Doctor appointments. Everyone is very please, especially ME! I got on the scale and it was 147, my happyness was just so. OMG I just was speachless, I don't EVER remember weighing that. With my goal just around the corner, I am so excited!

Food, was the biggest issue this time around. Protein was a worry along with other things. Mostly protein though, got to get back to my habits as they seem to have slipped away, I didn't realize how low my protein intake was.

Eating and drinking wise, hydrating in between meals could hopefully help that. Why did I never think of that? hmmm but be the hair color. JUST KIDDING! thanks Ning! I love going back and seeing everyone, I get so enthusiastic and a jump start to do it right or do it better.

Well now for some shorting news.... According to their measuring thing.... I am 5'0 tall... what HAPPENED TO 5'2?! I can't see myself 5'0, ASHLEY is 5'0 and I'm a wee bit taller. I'll take 5'1 but 5'0!!!!!!! lol its a digital measuring thing, maybe it was WRONG! Curses!

Well I am off to do something exciting and productive. WHAT?? I don't know yet

Xoxo,

Kylie (-109lbs)

Junebug

2007-06-11T00:36:00.001-07:00

It's already the beginning of June. Can you believe that? Where is this year going?! June has been pretty quite, I want to say, then again that could be a lie.

School has ended for the summer, which wasn't to exciting for me. I was only taking one class, online math.

NBC got in touch with me again, finally, and we wrapped up the story they are doing on me *further details looks for NBC post that was posted sometime last year* Well this was the final chapter they did a "before" and "during" *came to hospital* and now they did the "after". It was really fun I felt so comfortable, we did it at my favorite beach by my boyfriend's house. I WORE A MINI SKIRT!!! that felt great! It was just nice all around I felt I talked well, didn't stumble on words, we showed how I eat now and how I ate before. Even brought along some old pairs of jeans and held them up "Subway Jared style" it was great!

My bestfriend Ashley graduated, I wanted an outfit I could wear but had no money. So I got creative and found a size 26 skirt I had before surgery, I measured, cut, sewed and that size 26 turned into a size 6-8ish and it fit, looked great, couldn't even tell anything was done to it!!

My cousin Lianna Graduated on this last saturday, super sad I couldn't go :( I didn't realize it was so early in the morning and I had to work. But I am so proud of her!!

My cousin Cruz graduates on Wednesday, he went to independece studies like I did, has the same teacher and all, so it will be fun and exciting to see everyone again!

I've been working a lot, picking up more shifts i love working right now, everyone I work with is awsome! makes time fly on by!

I guess June has been pretty crazy.

Surgery wise, everything has been pretty steady, I think my weight loss has slowed down a little, expected though right? Almost at goal so of course things will slow down! Lately, it seems everything I try to eat through out the day makes me sick, and by sick I don't mean always throwing up, but i'll get crampy, or upset stomach, or heart racing, sweaty, stomach hurts, tired I need to go lay down and I usually fall asleep and wake up somewhat okay.

Getting sick more than 3 times a day gets really irritated. I'm sick of always feeling sick, to the point I just ugh, dont want any food! Anyone know WHY this happens? It's like our pouches go through fazes or something..

There is my update, I shall return shortly!!! but I've gotta be up early and to work! and yea it's late!!

take care everyone!
Love,
Kylie (-107lbs)

5 years.

2007-05-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

Today marks Israel and I's 5th Anniversary. Although there have been tough times, they have been over powered by wonderful times. I can't believe 5 years has gone by so quickly. 2 more years and we are lawfully married!! haha! We have a great day planned out! Roaring Camp Railroads for a great 3 hour train ride!!! great dinner at a nice resturant. We do have some errans we can't avoid today but they will be great because we will be together..

I just wanted to share, have a great day!!

Love,
Kylie (-100lbs!)

Century Club

2007-05-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

I have joined a new club..

The Century Club

What is it you ask?

A club you become a part of on Obesityhelp.com when you've lost 100lbs!!! and GUESS WHAT?! I've lost 100lbs!!!

I was leaving the house to go to work, I looked back in the house, you know to make sure I had everything, of course I forgot my work apron. As I was walking back to my room, I saw the scale and it reminded me of how I had not weighed myself in awhile *about a week* so I stopped looked at it and walked away "no no im not going to weight myself" well the scale won, I got on it and I didn't believe what it said, 156lbs. yea right. I jumped off and then got back on, 156. Moved the scale around *u know how it can affect the number* got back on 156!!! OH MY GOD! I about cried. I've lost 100lbs I'm so happy on cloud nine right now.

I am doing better since my last post, working on the eating better. Exercising more *swimming* helps me feel better about eating... And I wanted thank the 2 people that left me comments on my last post I really appreciate it. Thank you so much

A cry for help

2007-04-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

I need adivce. I need help.

I eat and drink at the same time
Fat and Sugar is all I've been looking at. Havn't cared about carbs
Vitamins

At this point I eat any where from 900-1,000 calories a day. Protein is no problem I get it all in, Water I get about 80-90oz a day. I think its just the carbs.

I feel like I'm down the road to failure. I want help. Last night I recieved some major news from my best friend, although it was happy news I started to stress eat. I ate 1/2 an oatmeal choc. chip cookie and a cheeseburger from McDonalds! WTF?! Worst of all I didn't dump.

I've pretty much been eating whatever, whenever I want. I am anything but a poster child at this point.

Exercise I am happy to say has been good, could be better and it will be better. Thank god the pool is open, I try to go whenever possible. Today I work till 10 so it wont happen but tomorrow night for sure..

I want anyones advise, wheather you have had surgery or not..

I am getting out a notebook and pen and going to write things out

Eat every 3 hours meal or snack, snack will be protein or under 150calories.
NO MORE soda
NO MORE eating and drinking at the same time
Exercise whenever possible, weight lifting, walking, swimming, aerobics, cardio whatever I can do
No more food will be purchased at work.

What I want from you is your eating plan, what do you do for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Do you have any recipes for me? What do you eat for snacks?

My weight loss has no slowed down at all, I am at almost 100lbs lost. and about 20 something pounds from first goal. I'd love to be under goal that would just be WOW.

Thank you for listening!!!

Single Digits? What is the letter M?

2007-04-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

I must say, I do feel a lot better than I did almost a month ago. I was reading my last post and though "Oh geez, everyone must think I'm a depressed EMO right now".
I do feel better now than I did when I wrote that. Although I am still having a hard time with food.

I havn't been able to see Dr. Bernard, due to insurance issues :( but I hope to see her soon, I need a kick in the butt to get back on track. But I know I'm doing wrong, so why do I continue? I ate french fries the other day! Didn't finish them but I ate them! WHAT THE HELL KYLIE!
Does one think that being 7 months post-op you should still be eating a shot glass worth of food?
We are able to eat more now right? Because I do feel I can eat a lot more now than I could when I first started solids. I sure hope I haven't streached my pouch. No no I know I havn't, I have done nothing to do so.

Okay off to the good stuff, I am in a size 8 pants!!!!!! 8! OMG 8! Not all brands of pants, damn woman sizes are so different! But so far I know I am a New York and Company size 8, American Eagle size 10-12, Meryvans sizes 8 or 10... Shirts are M-L. I do still buy some XL for the little baggyness on some shirts. but other than that a MEDIUM!! YAY! I'm Normal!!! BMI wise I'm still "overweight" but not OBESE!!. I hate that word.

Pool is open and I have been swimming, good exercise and fun! I am in there for hours and wonder why the next day I can barely move. Oh yea I guess that swimming thing was exercise! hehe! I finally changed my picture, the other one was a wittle bit old.

Alright well I'm off to go find something to do. I will try to write more than juss once a month!!

Thank you for everyone that reads my blog. It really means a lot to me to find out that people have been following my progress since the beginning.

Just not who I want to be.

2007-03-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

I feel fake.
I feel bitchy.
I feel mean.
I feel anger.
I feel pain.

why?

I look at myself in the mirror.

I don't see myself
I see a shell
I see a physically happier person
I see a confused girl
I don't see Kylie

why?

Why am I feeling this low? I have so many positive things going on right now. I love my job, I laugh and feel on top of the world WHILE working, yet once I clock out and leave, i'm sad again. I love my co-workers, all upbeat and wonderful.
I love my family, laughing and joking around.
I love my boyfriend, though we fight and struggling right now.

I just feel there is nothing inside I me right now. I want to get away from myself, I want to run away from myself. I try to hard, for people to like me again I feel fake. I think if I be myself no one is going to like me.

I hardly eat.
I'm having troubles with my vitamins
I don't want food.
It makes me sick and tired thinking of what I have to eat next

I'm tired, I'm sad. But yet I feel I should be SO HAPPY and at time I am SO HAPPY.

Confused..

FUN FUN FUN and DUMB

2007-03-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,
We had our family BBQ it was SO much fun, I hadn't seen most of the family since Christmas, it was fun to see their reactions to my weight loss. I was getting called a cover-girl! How fun is that?! I didn't get sick either, I stuck to carne asada, ok ok I did have a few chips. But all in moteration right? THE POINT IS I DIDN'T GET SICK. Everyone had a fun time, some of us went down to the beach, Ashley and I boogy boarded! We always have so much fun together, although the water was REALLY rough and roughed us up BIG time. I have about 4 beautiful bruises to show for it. Here is the BEST part, a few years ago my mom bought me some swim shorts/board shorts. When I go swimming I wear a bikini top, white shirt and some kind of basketball short. Well I always feel like a guy in basketball shorts so my mom bought me some O'neil board shorts that are PINK and I LOVE so much. I grabbed them to go in the ocean and GUESS WHAT?! THEY FIT, even when they were wet I had to keep pulling them up. SO MUCH EXCITEMENT!

Okay so now for the dumb part. I woke up this morning with no voice, sore throat, and the WORST migrane that is just killing me. Throbbing in my ears, it's pretty much knocked me off my feet all day. I had some Crystal light and its making me feel a little better. But GOD I don't wanna be sick tomorrow, PLEASE no sick tomorrow!!

Oh I forgot to mention, that Ning asked if I was craving anything and I told her hamburger, she told me to go ahead and try it, JUST be careful. Few days later Israel and I go to burger king where I get just a hamburger ($0.89!) talk about a cheap date. I ate just one side of the bun and the burger part 1/2 of it and felt fine. YAY I got my craving out of the way.

Okay bak to sleep ttyl!

XOXOXO,
Kylie (-86lbs)

6-months!!!!!!

2007-03-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Now it's offical, it has been 6-month since my surgery.
I am doing great, I am so happy I could cry sometimes. I feel like for the first time in my 17 years I am really enjoying life, you realize how good that feels? I can shop in normal clothing stores, I can walk up flights of stairs and not have to stop to catch my breath or dread it the next time I have to do it. The stairs by Sea Cliff Beach, no problem anymore, I don't even think about it.
I have lost to date 86 pounds, 18lbs from the last visit, BMI: 30 and I now weight 171 pounds. Only 21 pounds from my goal. I want to see how I feel at 150 and decide wheather or not I want to keep going. I feel comfortable in my skin now, I WANT to go to the gym, I acutally had fun. Can you believe that? Kylie has fun at a gym? Who would have thought? Our pool is opening on April 1st so I know I will get in shape, I love swimming. I am off my Actigall and Aciphex, thank god.
I finally met Dr. Albense today, he was so nice and really laid down the law so to speak of what to expect next. He told me that in the first 6-months typically people lose 30-50% body fat and 60-80% in the 1st year. In 6-months he said I've lost 60% of my body fat, he said I'm ahead of the game! RIGHT ON!
I saw the guy that had the surgery same day as me. Oh my god! He looks amazing, I didn't even reconize him! WAY TO GO CODY!
In 6-months, my life has changed so much. I am a lot more social, happy, feel better both physically and emotionally.

I guess that only think I have to work on is eating more, can you believe that? eating MORE haha never thought I'd hear those words but ya know oh well!

There something fun to look at!!! Next step I have to get in touch with NBC11 they havn't contacted me, hmmmm strange.

Anyways I hope everyone is having a wonderful night!!

Love,

Kylie (-86)

ONE YEAR!!! WOOHOO

2007-02-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

YAY my blog is 1 year old!. Wow a lot has happened in this year. I thought about surgery and actually got surgery, and have lost about 75lbs! YAY! I just wanted to thank everyone for helping me through all my good and bad times, for all your support and for everyone who reads this, because this shows me that their are A LOT more people out there that care about me than I may realize.

Life is good right now, had a bumpy road in the past week but you know, life goes on. Shopping has become an addiction to me, clothes shopping to be exact.... I'm in "normal" sizes now! YAY!

Well off to see my best friend!!!

Thank you all again and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!!

Love always,
Kylie

Emotions of a Teenage Girl

2007-01-29T00:48:00.000-08:00

I've once heard when you have a lot on your mind writing is the best thing you can do. I'm over all confused right now. I'm having a hard time taking my pills everyday, I miss days here and there and I can not keep doing this, I know these vitamins and prescriptions are there for a reason and they are all very important to my health.

I am losing my hair, I am grateful now that I have very thick hair, you can not really tell. Other than the hair all over my shirts and the brushes full of Blondie strains after one use. The balls of hair all over the shower. I'll be honest I am getting sad about my chest.. Its getting smaller and lose skin, not what it use to be. It can get fixed later but its just a reality check to me. Like wow, this weight really is coming off, but look at what its leaving me. I knew it was coming though, the lose skin, BRING IT ON!

I feel so sad and really have no reason to be. I'm losing weight, doctors are happy with me, I have perfection as a boyfriend, my co-workers and friends are all great, my job is wonderful, my family is always there and maybe that is was I am scared of. My family is always there, and soon they won't be there. I really do want to move but of course any kind of life change is hard, even harder when your parents don't approve and won't listen to anything you have to say about southern California, you get a nose stuck up in the air. Doesn't matter how happy I am about it and that I want to share it, I get shot down by so many excuses as to WHY its not so great. Whatever, makes me just want to leave more. Prove to them, just like I proved to Mr. Watkins I COULD GRADUATE 2yrs EARLY! teaches you to laugh at me when I tell you my goal....

I do feel really romantic lately, I want to give Israel the world, maybe it is because we have been so good lately together we are laughing, we are on the same page, have not had a fight in a long time. Hopefully it stays that way. With Valentines day coming up I am so excited about our plans. I know he doesn't read my blog because he lacks a computer right now LOL. I am going to show up at his house EARLY EARLY before he is awake and come in decorate the living room with candy, balloons, and roses. I will cook him French toast, sausage, and eggs. Served on these very very cute valentines day plates I just bought. My mom will let me use little heart shaped tins so I can make the eggs heart shape! During this cooking time I will have a CD playing that I have made of all romantic, love songs. I'm hoping the music will wake him up and he will come out to find me cooking breakfast... Once that is done he will get ready for the day and we will do what we have already planned together.. SF Zoo and dinner on the fisherman's wharf. I just can't wait I'm really excited!!!!!!!!

So maybe its the combination of happy, confusion, sad, scared, angry, and romantic emotions that are just mixing together that makes me sit here and cry my eyes out. We are allowed to cry for no reason right? Not just crazies? So now I think I will go put some song on my ipod and fall asleep to music. Thank you for reading, I just needed to write and since this is my journal I turn to blogger. Thank you Blogger <3 :o)

P.S.
Check out my new profile picture YAY
Goodnight,
Kylie (-67)

ONEderland!

2007-01-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

ONEderland: When someone gets into the 100s

Guess who is in onederland?! MMEE!!! YES!! Today was really fun actually. I got to see Dr. Peebles, I havn't seen her in such a long time and it was nice to see her again. My weight was 189lbs! last time I weighted in at 205, so not only am I in onederland but i skipped the 190s all together! Everything went great, I do need to work on my guilty feelings with food and develop a healthy relationship with food. Food is a friend not enemy!

So I am 189, thats a 16lb weight loss and 67lbs lost in total. I'm really happy, my size 16pants are starting to get to lose! 14s in the near future maybe?

I promise to write more later I'm tired and have cold.. Take care everyone!!!

XOXO,
Kylie (-67)

I'm still here

2007-01-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

I know I have not been writing much, nothing honestly has really gone on. Nothing exciting enough to write down. But I did just want to check in and say that I am still alive! I have just busy with life ya know? Working, boyfriend, family. My next doctor's appointments are on the 26th. I will be writing plenty either that night or the 27th. Which ever. I do hope everyone is doing well and that you are ALL sticking to your new year's resolution! Take care!!

Kylie
-51lbs

Merry Christmas! (so i'm a lil late)

2006-12-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had and fun and safe Christmas. Did you get everything you wanted? Was Santa good to you this year? Well, I will go on about my Christmas because it was the best one I've had in all my 17 years.

Everyone was low on money and it was still great, even as a young kid I was never one to whine and complain because I didn't get the latest video game or whatever was hot at the time. I was happy with what I got wheather it was a backpack or a stereo system, it didn't matter to me.

My best friend Ashley and my cousin Cory are dating, me and Ashley have been best friends since 1st or 2nd grade and never had spent a Christmas together. So this year her and Cory came over early morning to open stockings and presents with us, I made eggs and hash browns for breakfast. My mom and I were up at 5:30 preparing stuffing and getting the bird in the oven.. We opened presents and it was so fun, I got some cool cool stuff. My mom cried when I gave her, her present from me an earrings, necklace and ring set of her birthstone set with diamonds and 10k gold. My dad was speechless when he got his GPS and Israel was in shock when he got his special edition red ipod nano, 2 authentic NFL jerseys, and the box of football cards he wanted.

Ashley and I ran up to the store to get brussel sprouts she was cooking for dinner, believe it or not the store was not that bad at all, there was a creepy worker that was hitting on us but we were together and laughed it off. The rest of the family showed up somewhere around 11-12:30. They ate appetizers and talked, the boys (israel, cory, reuben, cruz, steve and jose) were all in the bedroom playing Xbox 360 on the projector my dad set up in there, they were in heaven. We opened the rest of the presents with the rest of the family. I really love all the things that were given to me, everyone seemed happy. But you know it was going TOO perfect, my aunt Karen and uncle Pepe started to fight and argue. Something the promised they would not do if we invited them. But they are leaving to Texas to live next week or so.

We set dinner up like a buffet and it really worked nicely. Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, dinner rolls, brussel sprouts and stuffing. Everything was really really good, my Aunt Karen is a big cook everyone raves about her food, so for once everyone was all "Kylie and Laurie oh my god its so good" I think we did AWSOME. I took a saucer as my dinner plate took about a teaspoon of everything, I was satisfied and didn't get sick or anything.

Once again the boys migrated to the bedroom and adults sat around watching christmas movies talking about what they talk about. Ashley and I were taking pictures and having fun.

Dessert was served Apple and Cherry Pie, I obviously didn't have any but I was even tempted, still was full from dinner.

Once everyone lefted we cleaned up, Ashley and I went over to Cory and Israels house and watched the Notebook while filling our new iPods with songs. I went home and slept.

It was really fun day here is the list of what I got because I was really happy with EVERYTHING

Israel got me:
Dooney and bourke bag

Ipod nano pink!

Niptuck seasons 2 and 3

Daddy got me:

nice pink bathrobe

candle set

Mommy got me:

$100 to New york and company

sushi plate set for 2

chop sticks and dipping bowls

Ashley and Cory got me:

Heating blanket and a 1gb memory stick for my camera

Rest of the family got me:

candle set, a little angel figerine with my name on it, $15 gift card to victoria secret, airbrush picture with my name

Also, I have to thank the 2 positive anonymous people and Dawn for their comments on another entry I wrote before. I wish I could write back to you but I can't! Thank you

Merry Christmas every one!!!!!

on the 30th Israel's family is coming over and 31st is my little sister's 3rd birthday, busy week!

Goodbye everyone hope no one is asleep or tired after reading ALL of this.

Kylie (-51lbs)

Kylie. Happy? what?!

2006-12-17T22:50:00.000-08:00

My last appointment was on December 13th. It went fine, nothing new. I thought I was going to get tisk tisks but I didn't. Exercise is my enemy right now, but you know what they say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Walking, is about what I'm doing. Gym, I'd love to but no car, no liscense, no way to get there as much as I would like to. Weight lifting, fine, love it.

I lost 11 more pounds, putting me at a 51lb weight loss. I am now 205lbs, 6lbs away from ONEderland :) obviously I am a happy girl right now. I am happy with everything not just the weight, that is just numbers. How I feel can not be put into words. Everyday I would wake up with a gross stomach feeling, obviously what I ate the day before. I feel so much better waking up. I am so much happier and I think it shows and people are able to approch me easier. Seems like there are NO rude customers at work, or maybe I'm to happy on what is going on I don't really care if they are rude or not. I am starting to get the lose skin, mostly on arms. Clothes are fitting well, my work pants are now a size 16! my 18 jeans are getting a little to lose. I just can't imagine what life would be like without this surgery. I feel as though I never lived any other way, I can't picture or remember me eating bigmacs, fries, etc.
I am also happy to say that this surgery has not yet affected my relationship we are actually closer and happier. I feel so much more confortable with myself around him, he has always loved me and I know that but now that I am able to start accepting myself I allow him to touch my sides (Which at first I would push away)

It's only been 51lbs, 3 months, 3 pants sizes. Life as changed so much already, I just can't wait for another 51 lbs to fall off and for life to get that much better.

Well it's late, I smell like coffee, sour milk and sugar *nice right?* goodnight all and if I don't post again until afterwards. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love,
Kylie (-51 lbs)

The Easy Way Out of Fat Land - Right?

2006-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

If you listen, even for a moment, to the talk in overweight communities you will almost always hear that gastric bypass weight loss surgery is the “easy way out” of Fat Land. People with weak spirits and good insurance get a lucky break, have their stomachs whacked and stapled and lose weight the easy way. Weight Loss Surgery: seen by pious public to be surgical baptism for the guilty gluttonous slothful.

But those of us who step in the water to be cleansed of our fatty sins know better. Weight loss surgery is NOT the easy way out, a simple dunking of the repentant, the sins atoned, and the price paid, the soul and body healed. We know the atonement is paid every day for the rest of our lives when we set our healthy house in order with gastric bypass.
We understand that WLS is not easy. Why, then, does the public think it’s redemption to weight loss?
First: what the public sees is a rapidly diminishing person recently repaired by gastric bypass. The pounds melt away seemingly in a plain sight. What hides behind the curtain are the ugly demons. Dumping? We don’t talk about it. Vomiting? We don’t tell our regurgitating stories. Head games driving you insane? Who you going to tell? Who is listening? Exercising? Nobody wants to hear about the “E” word. So what the public sees front and center stage is a person consistently succeeding at massive weight loss; a person glowing in their own rebirth and betraying the fat and hopeless around them. How else can it be explained? WLS must be the magic pill, the easy-way-out of obesity hell.
Second: the WLS grass-roots public relations machine tells the public gastric bypass is easy, thus we become our own worst enemy. Tell me if this doesn’t sound familiar: “I can still eat the same things, just less of them! ha ha ha!” or how about, “I lost 145 pounds and never had to do a moments exercise – WLS is fabulous that way – no exercise required.” And so the popular belief perpetuates that fat glutton slobs can lose weight just by eating less of the same foods and never exercising. Brilliant! How easy is that? -Kaye Bailey

Let me tell you what weight loss surgery is really like for me.

I am 3months post-op. Last nights ago I vomited my dinner (BLT roasted chicken salad with balsamic vinegrette) because it was just a bit too greasy for my sensitive stomach. 2 wekks before that I became deathly ill, it’s called dumping, from snacking mindlessly on croutons. Disorientation, hot sweats and then cold chills – dumping – a dire consequence of eating the wrong foods with the malabsorptive system. Last night was like most nights taking a walk on the beach and then walking the dogs . Today like every other day I will spend 45 minutes strength training to maintain my muscle tone, keep my metabolism running high and making damn sure I don’t regain one single pound.
And this is how it will be for the rest of my life. I will vomit, dump, exercise and be vigilant day in and day out if I want this easy weight loss surgery to work for me.
My body does not take weekends off from weight loss surgery. I don’t get chocolate cake just because it’s my birthday. I do not have a double-cheeseburger with fries and a shake just because I’ve had a stressful day and I deserve it. My body is on the gastric-bypass plan 24-7.
Do you think that’s easy?
Weight Loss Surgery post-ops understand what I’m talking about. Many of us go through a phase of fighting the gastric bypass and engage in snacking or grazing. We out-eat the stomach pouch and regain weight and we become self-loathing. We vomit and dump and do it all over again thinking we can somehow trick the body. Eventually we learn and we get it: WLS is for life.
Weight loss surgery pre-op patients want badly to understand this, but the dieting culture has taught us to be strict for X-number days and then we get a free day. The culture has taught us if we can stick to a plan for X-weeks and lose X-pounds then we can “get back to normal”. We are all expert dieters by the time we elect to have gastric bypass surgery.
There is no back to normal after WLS – it is a lifetime lifestyle commitment.

Hey hey hey

2006-11-26T22:28:00.000-08:00

So how was everyones thanksgiving? Mine was great! Me and my mom did ALL the cooking, we tried almost all new recipes and everything came out wonderful. I ate a little of everything (except dessert, i did make WLS friendly Pumkpin parfeits though) I think I had milk dumping probably from to much fat but it is hard to say because I wasn't shakey, or felt sick. I just all of a sudden would have to go to the restroom. Day after thanksgiving BLACK FRIDAY me and Israel had a GREAT time we were up at 3am and where done shopping by about 11.

I just decided to write today because I've been feeling really sad. One minute I'm on top of the world, next I'm crying so badly thinking really negative about EVERYTHING, especially my relationship I'm going to talk to Rebecca about this, I think it has to do with the surgery missing somethings. who knows, i know she will help me though. I guess I've really been missing him a lot since he has moved out. He spent the night two nights in a row and when he went back I got really sad, it sounds stupid I know he is only 2 exits down on the freeway, but its that little personal time we got when he got off work at late and being able to be with eachother until it was bed time, that time is gone. We still get alone time to talk, or just not worry about anything but we can't relax, we just can't. Having to look at the time *it is time to go home yet*. Never fails I'll get a drama call from my family member putting me in a mood causing me and Israel to start bickering (SP?) On the brighter side we put our Christmas tree up! lights up! I'm getting so excited!!!! YAY!

40pounds

2006-11-15T18:05:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone,
I had my Appointments today I lost 9.4 pounds, I know it is just numbers but a lot of big deals about losing that 9.4lbs... 1) I am out of the 100s in kilos. 2) I am no long morbidly obese I am just obese, when it comes to BMIs. 3) my BMI is 38, when I was pre-op it was 46. 4) I am at exactly a 40lbs weight loss.

They actually were happy with everything, my food was fine, vitamins (except b-complex but I knew that), Richard is happy with everything exercise is great.

I know it has only been 2 months but its hard to even remember what life was like before surgery. My relationship with food (yes relationship) has changed so much, I don't feel tempted by the cookies or holiday goodies around work. I have no cravings for "before surgery" foods. Smells don't get to me, I am so happy. I fill my time with shopping, going for walks, starting work helped out a lot also. I am so glad I am at the point that I am at right now because starting out was so hard, like Dr. Bernard said it isn't all fun and maybe I haven't been taping into the "other" side of the surgery..

It's surgery, any surgery there WILL be pain, I was crying almost every night in the hospital it is painful its a sore pain but pain is pain. I have to say eating at first SSUUCCCKKKSSS, Puree was the WORST for me, I mean the WORST! The puree stage is the only reason why I hesitate when I get asked if I were to do it again. The emotions are just almost unbearable, your happy, your sad, your mad, your confused. I thought I had it all figured out "oh yeah my mom had surgery i know what dumping is, i know when to stop eating" You can live with 10 people who just had gastric bypass and you can watch them go through the worst and the best of times. You will NOT fully understand the emotions or the feelings Gastric Bypass patients. Dumping is terrible I wish no one went through it but then again a lot of people would not learn, I learned from it. I never understood why my mom would always over eat I was able to tell her when to stop. Yet I've overeaten a few times who hasn't? It hurt, god it hurts like hell and I just think to myself "omg not again what was i thinking" it is hard, it is really hard. Thankfully I had no complications at least not yet I an only imagine what it is like if you did have complications.

OKAY I hope i didn't scared anyone. I am going to make dinner for the little sis!

Love,
Kylie
-40

A little of this and that

2006-11-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

I had a doctor's appointment with my PCP, it was just for a physical. They had me get on the scale and I weighted in at 219!!! I felt great, I feel great. All these WOW moments** Israel saying "come here skinny girl", customers calling me skinny, a regular customer telling me that I need to go get some pants because the ones i have are about to fall off my skinny butt. I just bought the size 18s on Halloween and even though the waist fits well and will for another 10lbs I'm guessing the legs and butt are SOOO bagging I don't even feel the fabric touching my butt I almost feel naked!!! This low carb thing is going really well, I'm backing off of salt right now because I weigh in on the 15th don't need a water weight gain.

Me and a girl Melissa, who had surgery the day after me and she is 19, have been talking for awhile now, more so recently. It is just amazing how different doctors can be, mine says no more than 10grams of sugar hers told her no more than 40grams of sugar. She does fine with that but if I go over 10 ooohhh I will pay for it big time. It is so weird, we both had gastric bypass but I think she had the open rny and I had lap rny. Other than whether it was proximal or distal the surgeries are all the same. So why can she handle up to 40 and I can't handle more than 10. She did bring up a good point about us tolerating things maybe most people can't almost 2months out, could are ages being younger have something to do with it? We both handle chicken and what not (right Melissa??), although with some things it would be better not to tolerate them, I'm to chicken to try anything that could possibly hurt me. The bravest I got was getting 1/2 sugar orange juice and then putting water in to cut the sugar a little more. I did fine and I'm happy because I have been wanting orange juice so badly. I asked about it on Obesityhelp.com a lot of people dumped on orange juice. Okay enough food talk

I'm going to try to start my own website (or ebay store) have not decided. I want to start selling the jewelry I make. I had my first customer on Thursday, Danielle from work. My cousin suggested an ebay store because they take care of the legal stuff for you. So I might go with that, I just at first didn't want Ebay because there is SSOOO much competition, mother of pearl earrings that look 20X better for a dollar? I'm sorry I won't sell my jewelry for a dollar but who knows we will see.

Now I need to vent. I have pictures on Flickr.com I originally started it with pictures that were taken while I was in the hospital. Then I added pictures of my puppy and cousin's wedding so on and so on. So it became my own public online photo album. Well I get this comment from a guy that has all these porn pictures on his album and his comment says "You know you are tubby, right??" What the hell?! why would someone say that. I got really mad and wrote back to him just saying things like "are you serious? omg when did that happen? i never knew!". It just really gets me mad that someone or anyone can make fun of a heavy person, its okay, no big deal. But if you were to make fun of someone that was disabled physically or mentally if you were to make fun of someone because they were Hispanic, black, Asian, whatever OMG you would be looked at like you were the devil or something. In our world today it is okay to make fun of someone that is white and someone that is heavy. Well shit I'm both I guess I got screwed on that now didn't I? I'm not letting it get to me because well hes not the skinniest person, I don't even know this guy, he has no idea what is going on in my life, someone after him wrote "i don't know what that guy above me is talking about your beautiful", plus who cares what that thinks I'll never see him its just the nerve of some people. UGH okay I just had to let some anger out.

Well I'm hungry and puppy needs to go pee.

** a wow moment is something that happens during your WLS journey. Could be going to store and trying on a medium size and it FITS or getting a compliment or fitting into a ride at a amusement park.

Love,
Kylie
-37

She Works Hard For The Money

2006-11-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

Work went well I've worked 2 days since my last post both about 7 hour shifts, I do feel very sore my legs hurt, but I figured I just got back to work I have to get back in the routine. I was shocked when I came back to hear so many of my favorite people lefted but so far the new people seem really cool, that's a plus. I love my job but sometimes I just feel 'gosh i wish i was on the other side of the counter every morning'. I have no plans of leaving the store I am at right now, it's my second home. But probably when I move down south yeah I'll transfer with Starbuck's but I'll be looking for a better paying job.

Anyways I'm boring myself so I know I have to be boring you. I didn't realize how much my tummy rubs against things or touches thing when I'm working but my incisions are sore. Israel suggests putting some padded band-aids over them, that could work.

Okay I have to cut this entry short I have a little puppy whining to come out of her cage to play. But over all work went great I feel like I never lefted. I even feel I have more energy at work so YAY!

P.S.
My low carb thing is going great! no bread, crackers, rice, NOTHING Susan! :)
Love,
Kylie

Gained

2006-11-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah it's a bummer. But I did gain weight this appointment, 4lbs to be exact. I knew it was coming though I knew I was going to gain but geez 4lbs? Ning is very confused and doesn't know why that could have happened she said if someone with a normal size stomach adds 500 more calories a day for a week they will gain 1lb so for someone with the surgery to gain 4 is impossible she doesn't believe the scale. I personally think it could be water weight, I did have a lot of sodium the day before actually the couple days before. My carbs went way up last week I knew that was bad and well I'm due to start my time of the month sometime this week (sorry for any men that are reading).

Now I know a lot of people are going to think *you gained? you can't gain with this surgery* lots of people (practically a bitch of a neighbor across the street) will say *i told you, you did it for nothing* I am not ashamed that I gained 4lbs, in ways it is comforting that Ning doesn't know why, I want to say water weight but I don't want to be making excuses, so to hear her say it is better. Plus you know 6 weeks out of surgery is still new and your body is still traumatized. I had not had solid or normal good in 5 weeks and then to get normal food it throws your body off guard, its confused. Maybe it still thinks it is starving because my calorie intake is 500-800 a day compared to 1500 or more i would have before surgery. With the surgery YES there will be stales and YES it is common for your first one to happen around 6 weeks or when you start eating somewhat normal food. I know when I get back on that scale I will have a loss. If I don't then I want to see a doctor because something is not right.

So keep on me!!!! LOW CARB LOW CARB.

You know what I am confused about my nutritionist or Susan didn't say anything about good carbs. Are good carbs ok? People from obesityhelp.com say so but I want to know what Susan or Ning think. We do need some carbs to survive, I think I will email Susan and ask her, ask her a few more questions also. So yeah, this appointment was an upset but the 15th will be a new appointment with a weight LOSS.

Take care!
Kylie
(-30)

3rd one in the bag

2006-10-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

I had my 3rd appointment yesterday and it was actually a week late because I came down with the flu, my lord was that a tough time. I was brought to the Urgent Care and was given 2 shots in the booty to stop the nausea and it didn't really do much. The doctor tried and tried looking for a vein to give me an IV for dehydration but she could not find one at all and she did not want to poke me millions of times (thank you!!). She did say if I was not keeping liquids down by the next day I would HAVE to go to the ER. Thank god I was keeping fluids down and did not have to go to the ER. I miss the support group because of this flu I was and still am so upset about it, apparently it was really fun :(

Okay so back to my appointment, I've lost 19lbs from the last time I saw Susan and 34lbs all together! According to people on Obestiyhelp.com I am doing good for a "lightweight". Even though you can not compare yourself to others because it does nothing but set you up for a failure feeling and disappointment it's still nice to see where others are at whether it's better or not. I am SSOO happy about my weight loss so far, my first mini goal is to get to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers which was 213lbs and Susan set a goal for me that I like very much and that is to be in ONEderland (100's) within a month!! YAY!

I am now in the soft food stage, and oh my god am I happy about that. Protein from FOOD will be a lot easier, plus I got the okay from Ning to have sandwhiches and salads (obviously not like FATTY FATTY things) so I had a Subway sandwhich last night well 3inches of one, it tasted really good and I was VERY careful with the raw veggies. This is what was in it: A toasted wheat roll, turkey, olives, pickles, tomato, lettuce, peppers, mustard, LIGHT mayo, salt and pepper. I was so happy had a few more bits for breakfast this morning then while I was up in the kitchen taking my medicine my dogs got ahold of it!!! They took the best bites damn it! LOL oh well

My PTC is getting better, no headaches for 3 weeks, Susan said she thinks she can see the margin in my right eye but she is not positive. I have an appointment with the Nerologist (did I butcher that??) soon, we will see what he says.

Richard has added more stretched to my work out to get my legs, arms and butt into shape (oh yeah baby JLO here I come watch out!! LOL just kidding)

Well speaking of Richard I have to go for a walk or something. Love you all BYE

Kylie
-34

My 2nd Post-Op Appointment

2006-10-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Okay lets just get the bad news over with, I didn't lose ANYTHING, I refuse to believe I am failing at this, god it's only been 3 weeks. I didn't put this weight on overnight and it won't magically fall off within a few days. No not excuses but possibilities.

A) I was severely constipated, that was taken care of yesterday
B) My body has been through a major surgery and it is its way of saying "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!"
C) Since us gastric bypass patients can not eat as much until our bodies get use to it, they think they are starving.

Those sound good? LOL
Everything else was fine still on Puree, that is getting hard I have no interest in eating, but I'm gagging it down for my health.

TAKE CARE LOVES!

My 1st post-op appointment!

2006-09-27T22:17:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone,
I had my first post-op appointment today it went very well I think. In 2 weeks I lost 15 lbs!!! WOOOHOOO I am so happy. My depression is getting better have not had any crying spells since the last time I wrote. But anyways Susan is worried, well not really worried just concerned, about my water and protein intake and Ning needs me to up the protein. I knew that already and I knew that it was going to come up and I needed them to help me. Ning helped me by setting two schedule a vitamin schedule and a food schedule oh I love when I get something planned out especially when a professional help me.

I also know why I've been getting so sick, I was taking all my meds (except iron) in the morning after just a tiny bit of food well that was just a big no no. So with my new vitamin schedule I should not get sick. I guess I just have to suck it up and take the b-complex I have because chewable has not near as much stuff in it. So in general they think I am doing a great job just need to work on the protein and water NO PROBLEM! My phych. appointment went well with Rebecca, she did say she doesn't think there is anything REALLY wrong but she does want to keep seeing me just in case something comes up, totally understandable. I am just so happy 15 POUNDS SO EXCITING! good to see my somewhat suffering the last 2 weeks paid off my next appointment is on the 4th.

Today when we got back in town we went to Wendy's and I got some chili took it home put some beneprotein in it and threw it in the blender! IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO A PUREE DIET! MMM so good! I had to slow myself down I was getting carried away but I did stop before I felt full and it went down GREAT! so happy about that as well.

Well everyone I'm off to bed take care goodnight and love ya!

Kylie
-15lbs

.....depression.....

2006-09-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was for after surgery. I am going through what my mom is telling me is post op depression. Do you want good or bad first? well I give bad

Bad: I am having such a hard time with protein. I get a sick feeling after drinking boost, which sucks because I loved boost. I made my own tomato soup and the first oz of it was so good. I went for a walk and wanted more so I had so more and I don't know why but I just got sick, not vomit but close to it. So I ruined that for myself. I'm just so terrible right now. I start crying because I'm feeling like "what did i do to myself?". So yeah I'm having a hard time with full liquids and I'm trying my hardest to get protein in but I'm focused more on liquids right now so I don't get dehydrated. Oh and I got my first dumping syndrome, my shopping list said either sugar free or nonfat plain yogurt, so I got the plain and never even thought to look at the sugar I mixed my protein powder in it and ate it up. I paid for that I got so sick, shaky, sweaty, and had to use the bathroom a lot. I can't look at yogurt right now.

Good: I have no pain, just some uncomfort. I am able to walk up and down the street okay. I can get around on my own, I took a shower the other day that was nice, I'm going to take one again today. Yeah I get wiped out VERY fast but gosh what do you expect? I can handle applesauce, COLD water, COLD crystal light lemonade and this organic whole grain baby rice cereal my dad got me just add a little splenda and its all good. But other than that everything else makes me feel not so good.

So I guess I would say I'm about 65% okay. I think my mom is right I need to get out of the house like go for a drive with her and just something. I keep getting told it will get better and soon, a lot of people are eating cheese and deli meat at week 4 so I'm pretty excited about that but then I get sad again because I think "if i cant handle boost how am I going to handle that?" Just taking one day at a time. Okay so I'm tired now, I have an appointment with Susan on the 27th.
Take care everyone!

Hospital and Home

2006-09-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am in the hospital 2 days post-op!! I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be. I could not be happier. I'm going to break it down day by day.

Thursday: I was very scared before surgery, but you know I don't even remember counting down, I don't think they had me do that it was just all of a sudden I was asleep. I remember looking around, looking up at the lights thinking 'those are like the lights in niptuck'. When I woke up I was sorta mad I was so tired and was mad that they woke me up LOL. I was in a panic, and in shock that I actually had the surgery. I don't remember pain, I just remember being very sore, and tired, i kept dosing off could not look straight in the eyes and who ever was talking to me i would fall asleep when being asked questions. So many people where coming in and out of my room I dont remember half of what anyone was saying at the time. I had my mom or dad relay it for me later on. I just kept falling asleep through out the day. I did try to get out of bed and sit down, that was REALLY painful but I did it.

Friday: I felt like a baby, this was a drama day. I could not go to the bathroom by myself, I could not wipe myself, it was extremely painful to get out of bed and to get back in. My cathider broke while trying to get off the xray table I have 5 people helping me I was just in so much pain. Later that night, my drain started to leak from the port it wasnt painful just a little scarey. It was nice though and everything worked out because I had my mom there and I feel confortable having my mom wipe be instead of my dad. but my dad is stronger and can help me up better.

Saturday: Okay so all through friday night my IV just was hurting and pintching, it was just SO painful. I was given ice packs and hot packs, after a walk I decided I wanted to sit in the chair as I was sitting there I looked at my hand and notice wow, my hand looks like a glove that a kid would blow up. It was SSSOOOOO swallowen I couldn't believe it! Turns out the IV needle inside my hand had shifted all the fluids and pain medicine was going into my hand tissue. After a very depp conversation about me behind the curtian the doctors decided to take it out, BUT I had to be on top of my drinking 1 once every 15minutes and if I didnt pee enough the IV would be going back in and I had to promise that I would take my pain medicine orally. Which in the end it seemed to help better. But okay but saturday, I was getting out of bed by myself, going to the bathroom by myself, if I was already up I would clean up my tray, wash my face, I was just all over the place. My pain 1-10 was about a 1 and then a 0 at night. I was feeling great other than some soreness and tenderness on the insicsions.

Sunday: This morning I still felt really good and I was FINALLY able to go number 2 in the bathroom. Of course there was nothing solid about it. The doctor came in along with his student/resident army and said "Are you feeling good? What's your pain level? Want your drain out? Wanna go home?" So about an hour later the drain came out. OH MY GOD what an experiance that is, it feeling like a snake is getting pulled out of your stomach but the most pain was the tape coming off. Stuped? lol So about 1 1/2 hour later I was sent home and yes now I am home on the couch the living room has turned into my own little recovery room. Israel is helping me so much more at home, the hospital just freaked him out. He bought me some books to keep me busy while recovering, Sylvia Browne new book and a book on every dog that exists.

Okay so now I am tired and am going to fall asleep. I will be updated every appointment I have. So that is once a week for 4 weeks and than monthly (oh come on you know i'll post more than that). Take care everyone!!!!

NBC 11

2006-09-11T21:29:00.001-07:00

Alright I know I said I would not post until AFTER surgery but this is really cool. My Dr. doctors think I am interesting enough to get a story written on me. To make a long story short, a camera crew, well maybe not crew but they are going to meet me at a local park and do a story on me having gastric bypass. Not exactly sure what is going to happen tomorrow. I will probably write about it tomorrow. Oh and channel 11 in San Jose, San Francisco, and Oakland is doing the story. I don't get the channel hhmmmm oh well. take care

The finish line is in sight!

2006-09-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

Okay okay I know I had an appointment on the 30th and here it is the 4th and I haven't written anything. I'M SORRY! Aside from it being the last pre-op appointment it really was uneventful. I went to see the physical therapist it was nice he showed me some exercises I can do to start off before and after surgery, gave me some papers in case I forget. Then we had about a hour before my appointment with Susan, so we just drove around. When we got to my appointment I was given some papers to fill out you know all the FINAL signatures, reading, initialing, etc, etc. I met a surgeon Dr. Dutta he was really nice explained everything to me, it was really nice to meet a surgeon :) Finally I saw Ning and she approved my vitamins we figured out a schedule on when to take them. God I can't believe I'm almost at the end of something I've wanted so badly, yet it's only the beginning of the journey. I've just been this way so long I'm ready for a fresh start, a new look at life. I never noticed anyone treat me differently because of my weight but I've never seen what they treated me if I was thin because I've never been there. I guess you can say I'm anxious to see. I'm anxious to see who will be my friend that wouldn't be before. Of course they won't be now anyway just want to see what will happen. I want to stop sleeping my CPAP everyday is getting harder and harder with it I'm probably just thinking about it to much. I wonder is the headaches will stop, I wonder how much better I will be at work, I wonder how I am going to change mentally will I? Will more confidence be mistaken as conceded and a bitch? I hope not. Will my relationship make it through all the changes that are about to happen? *I've been reading many stories saying that don't* God I'm just so excited and everyone around me is scared. I've had so much support through this whole beginning some support from very suprising places. I have not had any negativity looked down on me for making this decision maybe it is because I am a "child" who knows. Israel has been my rock through out the whole beginning when there were set backs that made me cry, he let me cry and told me it was going to be ok. When I would CONSTANTLY talk about he would never turn the other way and tell me to stop talking. I wanted to show him this and that he would look. Although he was only able to go to 1 appointment because of his job he was the first to call as soon as he got a chance to ask how it went and what was the next step. Being my boyfriend he has been great, and has been there for as much as he could, I know he will be there even after surgery because the journey doesn't stop after I'm home from the hospital it is only beginning. Thank you everyone that has supported me throughout this. I will have many questions and suggestions and thoughts after surgery so stick by me, please. This is going to be my last post before surgery. I am going to being my laptop to the hospital whether I use it or not is another story. Take care
Kylie

P.S.
Please give a moment of silence to Steve Irwin who has lost his life doing what he was born to do and keep Terri and their young children in your prayers.

Don't go check the obituaries

2006-08-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

LOL I'm still alive, I just havn't posted bbbeeccaauussee nothing has been going on. I'm getting really really excited about surgery again!!!!!!!! Sure it's still 3 weeks away but I'm looking at it in 2 different ways.

1) When Israel went down south to see his family that was 3 weeks. That wasn't SO bad, so if I pretend he just left yesturday than the day he comes back will be surgery day! *Am I weird?*

2) My work schedule is always up a week in advance so right now week that ends on Sep 2. Next week the schedule of the last week of work before surgery will be up! *Am I weird?*

Well gotta go daddy wants to talk!
Take care

Reason's are why things happen

2006-08-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

Someone once said "Everything happens for a reason" millions of people live their life with that quote in their head. I guess I can include myself in that number of people. I feel much better about a later date. When I was told about my date in August I got really excited but then I felt as if I wasn't ready. Since I started having these feeling I've been watching any clip, reading any story I could get my hands on about Gastric Bypass. I feel ready now, I've been doing my research about more post-op care it gets me so excited. I love watching Dr. 90210, watching other people go through something helps me better prepare myself. Although the men and women on that show are not exactly getting gastric bypass, seeing the needles, shots, drainage tubes, and the incisions helps a lot. Oh and I saw the movie Super Size Me about a 1 1/2 ago and I liked it. I got in the mood to watch it again so I rented it and I never recall there being a good 5 minutes of a gastric bypass most vivid I've seen. Hey I so have a question, can anyone tell me why olives are a no no after surgery? Is it the tough skin they have? hmmm I'll have to ask Ning on August 30th. Anyways here is a list I could come up with that are GOOD reason's why surgery is later.

* I can better prepare
* Israel can probably get 4 days off while I'm in the hospital (on vacation for 3 weeks comes back on the 12th and then to ask for 4 more days 5 days later wouldn't happen)
* I have a couple more pay checks coming before I go on family leave
* I came down sick with a really bad cold, I think that could have stopped some things.

Well Tuesday was my birthday (August 1st) not only did I have to work but I came home really sick. So on Sunday August 13th we are going to have a little bbq with family. I didn't really plan or get excited for my birthday, my mind was so wrapped up in the surgery.

Bad Habit Bites My Butt (again)

2006-07-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

What is this bad habit? Someone tells me something and although they say "not for sure" or in this case "tentative" I still get really excited and plan everything around the time, but when that tentative comes back and bites me, it bites hard. Where am I going with this? Well my surgery date was tentative and being that it wasn't a for sure set date, they had to reschedule the surgery because of the doctors taking vacation, Susan was right though August is one hell of a month for surgery. So my last pre-op appointment is rescheduled as well I think it is to make it closer to surgery day. So pre-op appointment is August 30th not 2nd and surgery is September 14th not August 17th. But this is a for sure date! Nothing tentative, nothing a maybe it is a for sure. My mom says Susan is really mad about how screwy the doctor's schedules are. I was just crying like a baby but after writing right now I'm feeling better. At least I got another date not just a wait and see, oh my gosh I've read stories like that on www.Obesityhelp.com where a lady got a date and this was even a for sure date, then got rescheduled, and then got rescheduled AGAIN. I'm sad yeah, but I'll get over it once it gets closer.

It's Almost here

2006-07-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on my bed, today has sure been an experience. So let me start out by saying I did hear back from the insurance company. My mom comes in my work on Monday with a very serious almost crying look on her face and she says "Honey........ When you get a chance I need to talk to you". My heart was in my stomach. I was shaky, nervous, about to cry. So I step outside and she says "Now honey it doesn't matter what they say we can and will appeal it but umm YOU GOT APPROVED!" I flipped out. So yes I got approved, now that I am approved I will have 2 pre-op appointments. Now I found out that I was approved on Monday, well today I had my first pre-op appointment and it was really nice. Susan told me and my parents about the hospital stay and what I will have on my body when I awake, what they expected with me it was a re-run of what they have told me but they did warn me that I will be told everything at least 10 times but it was fine with me because it helps me remember. Then I went in and sat down with Ning. She went over the diet stages (clear liquids, full liquids, puree, soft and to normal). I really learned a lot and have a lot to read I will tests on it next appointment. Which is on August 2nd (day after my birthday!).

OH YEAH AND MISS KYLIE CROVO GOT A FREAKIN SURGERY DATE!!!! I'm in shock its a tentative date, but I have a strong feeling it will happen on that day. And the reason why it is tentative is because there is 3 surgeons and they have to check with one more. Oh and the date is August 17th! That is a little less than a month away. OH MY GOSH! so excited.

LOVE ALWAYS,
Kylie

Day 5

2006-07-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

That's right it is day 5 and no we have not heard anything. But like my mom and Susan said, no new is good news. I've been having gut feeling about a lot of things that have gone on with this surgery like "i know they will need more info" and sure enough they did. Well I'm getting another gut feeling I don't think I will have an answer until Monday or Tuesday and I really hope I'm right. My dad got his CPAP 2 days ago, he's doing very good with it. Surprisingly I have worst sleep apnea then he does. That shocked everyone because he snores very loudly and has every symptom. Go figure. Well off to bed goodnight everyone

Hey Ya'll

2006-07-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well it is July 7th and I had my monthly appointment, but it was with Susan since Dr. Peebles is on vacation. It was a longer appointment than I thought it was going to be because since nothing had really happened with the insurance company. This is what Susan had to say: she got a call from Erin and Erin hasn't received the xray. My mom was PISSED OFF and I don't blame her. It's her department that types the xray report and it has been a week that is terribly slow. She is going to find out more of Monday and when Erin DOES finally get the xray the insurance had 5 days. Once they approve me Susan gives the approval to a lady that checks the 3 surgeons schedule's. Now I have to appointments before I have surgery the first is to meet and talk with the surgeons, second is a pre-op where I believe I sit down and talk to the nutritionist for about an hour about the whole diet. Susan didn't have me schedule another appointment until we hear form her so that's pretty cool. She also said she is going to try really hard to get this done this month!!! No promises but she will try. I am really excited! I'm sorry I have to go I have a little 2yr old yelling at me to put Shrek back on. Everyone take care

XXOXO,
KYLIE

I FEEL SO STUPID!

2006-06-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

Well Dr. Peebles emailed me, she is in Sweden! She just wanted to know what has been going on I let her know that Health Net needed more information (I listed the same information as below) and that my appointment got rescheduled to July 7th. She informed me that she DID include my tanner score. So we talked to the insurance company I think we should just send it again to avoid confusion. Anyways, I got the Xray of my hand it was really fast spent more time reading magazine in the waiting room than in the actual room. Erin should have it on her desk by Monday. Erin has been working so hard for me, I have to do something special for her any suggestions?

Okay so I feel really stupid but I TOTALLY miss understood my mom. Remember from the last post me bitching about 45days. Well it is that the insurance company needs the extra info and that WE have 45days to get it to them and if WE don't have it to them in 45days I will be denied. Once they have the information they are going to look at it right away it's on their urgent list. Although it was unexpected the Xray thing was not so had and lets hope it's one of the last steps.

XOXOXOXOX,
Kylie

I want to cry

2006-06-28T00:00:00.001-07:00

So the insurance got back to us. They need more information, better than a no I guess. They need the following:
* A xray of my hand to see my bone growth
* They want to know when I started my monthly flow (LOL)
* Some other stuff I'm not sure about

My doctor said they can get most of it from my last physical, I have to go get that Xray. Stupid thing is when the extra information gets sent in they have 45 days. If we don't hear anything in 45 days than it's a no. What the hell?! what happened to 5 days.. Why do they need another 45days freaking days. *SIGH* Xray will hopefully be done Thursday or Friday. Until the next time, love you all thank you

Love always,
Kylie

They Speak

2006-06-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Looks like my last post was wrong, LOL. My mom got a call today and there is good news and bad news.

BAD NEWS: Susan had something come up and she had to reschedule my appointment for Friday July 7th. SUCKS! but whatever it's only 2 weeks later.

GOOD NEWS: THE INSURANCE HAS MY LETTER!!!!!!!!!!! I'm hoping it wont take long for them to approve me! God I hope not.

Today I went out and got all my vitamins and supplements that were on the list Emily gave me. Wasn't to bad I think I got a calcium that isn't strong enough but I'll bring it to Emily and let her tell me if it's right or wrong. Well I have to get going not done running around just home getting a breather :)

Not a word

2006-06-21T04:26:00.000-07:00

As you all know my letter to insurance was going to be done BY Friday June 16th. Well whether or not it is done I don't know, but they haven't sent it to the insurance company as far as Erin knows at least. No I didn't forget about anyone, just nothing new has happened I will have HOPEFULLY lots to say June 23rd (2DAYS) *BIG GRIN*. So it is like 4:24 in the morning and I cannot sleep what the heck?!

Love Always,
Kylie

Sooner than expected!!!

2006-06-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

Ok more news to report, it is really exciting!
I asked my mom to call and make schedule my next appointment with Dr. Peebles. She text messaged me saying "your appointment is June 23rd at 9:00 with Susan". Susan? Why Susan? So I had to call her because I was pretty confused at this point. Well as it turns out Dr. Peebles is going to be on vacation and will not be back until mid July. Oh my god my heart sunk. "but" she said, because she is going on vacation she has to have my letter to the insurance done by June 16th! She has already emailed all the board members (because she won't be there for the case evaluations on June 22nd and they have all given me the green light of approval. So by the time I see Susan on the 23rd by letter will already have been sent to the insurance and we will be waiting for approval!!!! Oh my god you guys its really going to happen! It will happen in July I can feel it! Hey does anyone have any suggestions on how to advertise, I really want to get my blog out there to people. Please write or comment with suggestions! Thanks you everyone

Love,
Kylie

Writing on the wall or in this case paper

2006-05-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

I know my appointment was last Friday and I haven't written anything. I'm sorry for those of you that actually read my blog. So I went in on Friday and I met with Emily first. Goals till the next time I see her *DO MY EXERCISE *READ PAPERS SHE GAVE ME *GET ALL SUPPLEMENTS. She said I am doing good and that I just needed to do that before I went to see her again.

Then I went into the waiting room and waited for Dr. Pebbles we talked and I told her about my headache (which has been non stop for almost 4wks). She said I can start taking the Diamox *AGAIN* if it was helping. She was very excited to have all my records and she said that she will start writing the letter to insurance. My name didn't come up much in the May evaluation because they can't make a decision until they have the Psych. Evaluation results. So Dr. Peebles wanted to let Susan see my eyes since I was a "classic" example of PTC. Dr. Peebles left and Susan walked in. She talked to me first you know the typical "how are you and what have you been up 2". Then she started talking about the surgery and this is what she said.
The board meets for evaluations once a month and I just missed the May one, they didn't talk about me because there was no new updates. When they meet again on June 29th, and if they agree that I can get the surgery than the writing of the letter to the insurance begins. Dr Peebles writes it, Susan edits the letter and has to get Dr. Signatures on it, she said since it is a 5-6 page letter and has almost every detail about me that just those two steps can take about a month. THEN it gets sent to the insurance and they have up to a month to respond once the insurance is approved, Susan looks into the surgeon's schedule (there is 3) and she said " I can tell you right now that August is not a good month for one of the surgeons". So we are looking at August or even September for surgery. BUT that is not all.

I was very confused about this and wrote an email (the same day Friday 5/26) asking Dr. Peebles what she thought she wrote back 2 hours later (WHICH WAS TOTALLY A GOOD SUPRISE) saying : "I have already started writing the letter and will have it past around before the June meeting" AWSOME so maybe things will be faster than August or September, I can be so impatient but we will see what happens.

THAT'S NOT ALL. I saw the Dr. Eisenberg for my Psych Evaluation. We talked for about 45mins and then she talked to my mom for another 15-20mins. She asked about the support I have at home and what I knew about the surgery, etc etc etc. some other personal stuff that I don't want to broadcast on the Internet. At the end of our conversation she said "well I don't see any reason why you can not have surgery you seem to be very organized and understand what will be expected" I said "so thats a yes on your part" she said "lol that is a yes" YAY I'M NOT CRAZY PEOPLE!

Once again I sit here on my bed with a headache in my PJs with sleepy eyes playing the waiting game. We wait and we wait. I still have to get an appointment scheduled with Dr. Peebles I dont think my mom has done it yet. Oh and by the way I'm doing pretty good with my CPAP machine, very hard to get use to but I am doing good.

I do have one question for anyone reading this, how do you use the machine with a stuffy nose? I just felt like I couldn't breath. Do you just not use it that night? I didn't use it that night I just didn't know what do to. Please comment with suggestion, Thank You Everyone.

XXXOOOXXOOO,
Kylie

Darth Vader

2006-05-25T21:04:00.002-07:00

Today I went in and got my CPAP machine and i look like Darth Vader. It feels weird like a vacuum inside your mouth pushing air out instead of sucking it in. I am kind of anxious to see how it works, it is suppose to like make me feel GREAT and well rested I really hope it works because I am sick of feeling tired and like i need a nap even if I have had 10 hours of sleep. I know i know stop complaining... Hey tomorrow I am going in for another appointment with Dr. Peebles and my pysch evaluation and it is me and Israel's 4th anniversary. I'm going to go watch a movie. Talk to everyone later.

XO
kylie

Pillowtalk

2006-05-19T01:33:00.000-07:00

It's about 1:30am and I cant not sleep at all. I just get to thinking about everything that is going on and I get really emotional. So much has happened so fast, and I love it but at times I just sit back and am amazed, me, Kylie Crovo is so closed to have a surgery that just seemed like a fantasy a couple of months ago. I thought it would be a dream come true to hear a doctor say it's a good idea and it's happened from more than one doctor! Questions run through my head like: What would be happening to be right now if I never wanted the surgery and they never found the Pseudotumor cerebri or the Sleep Apnea? I believe everything happens for a reason and this is just one more example. Knowing that it could happen in a month or 2 is mind blowing, I always said I would not get my hopes up but I have and for something to go wrong now would be so heart breaking. Honesty I don't think anything will happen where I don't get the surgery but maybe it being later than expected.

I had a really sad night last night. I brought my little sister to the park (Israel came with us) and I was playing with her but I was in so much pain, climbing through the tubes, barely fitting and head rushing like the top of my head was going to blow it really hit hard. Plus, earlier that day I got really bad chafing on my thighs and it only happened because of these freaking thighs. My self esteem was and still is a really low right now, I just want to spring back and be okay. Like get a compliment or something. What is starting to hurt is when I tell someone about the surgery and they say " Your so beautiful now, but your going to be a total knock out when you lose the weight". OUCH! What I have to be thin to be a knock out. God it gets me mad and I don't think they realize they say it. Well I just had to get some things off my mind thanks for the vent time!

Xo,
Ky

Medically Speaking

2006-05-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

How is everyone? Hope all is well! I had a doctor appointment with a doctor that is going to get me set up on a CPAP machine (OOHHH GOODY!) now I am going to type out what the sleep study report said, if you can understand it GREAT if not that's okay neither did I, I had a doctor explain! Okay here it goes :

"During the 9.2 hours or recorded sleep time, 100% tabulated, there were 156 apnea's, 79 obstructive, 7 central and 70 mixed. The Obstructive Sleep Apnea index is 16. There were 239 hypopneas and the RDI is 43. There is 47minutes of hypoxemia and significant bradycardia.

This study is consistent with SEVERE Obstructive Sleep Apnea Syndeome with hypoxemia and bradycardia."

It sounded scary when I was being told about it, even though I know many people have worst cases it is hard to cope with especially when this was just a loop to get to gastric bypass, one of those "yeah, but they wont find anything its just a test i have to do". I get scared to go to bed, but the doctor said that probably by the end of next week I will have a CPAP machine. God "CPAP" sounds so old person like. It does make it good for the letter that will be written to insurance because now I have 2 out of the 3 serious comorbites they mention at the Stanford website. That my update for now, i will have so much more to write about on the 26th! Everyone take care!

LOVE ALWAYS,
KYLIE

Am I Crazy?

2006-05-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

Am I crazy? Well we will find out on May 26th. HAH me and Israel's 4th anniversary. I got approved and my psych. evaluation is on May 26th at 2:00. That will be a crazy day because it is also my next appointment with Dr. Peebles at 11:00. We figured since we would be over that way anyways, I mean it's not like gas is expensive or anything we just like to hit 2 birds with one stone. LOL. Man was that Death and Dying class intense there were people crying left and right. Including me and of course I was the one that had to be the most dramatic.... Tonight I have my cooking class and tomorrow I get PAID. I need it after buying Israel his Xbox 360 I'm a little short on cash. Wanna send me some? OF COURSE NOT! Ashley I didn't forget about you baby! You will have something when you get here in the summer. Wow, I can't believe next month I might be having surgery! I HOPE SO!!! AHHH IM SO EXCITED I'm going to go eat some food me so hungry.

XOXOX,
Kylie

Sleep Apnea and Approval

2006-04-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

How is everyone doing? I'm doing fine, still in shock but I'm doing okay. Sorry I haven't written, like I said I've been in shock.

So two days ago I have a call from Dr. Nauenberg (PCP) saying that my sleep study tests came back and I had an "markedly" abnormal sleep study. She also said I have significant sleep apnea, and that I get more carbon monoxide then oxygen at night. Me, my parents and her were all shocked because I never showed any signs of sleep apnea, but it is a good thing we found this out because this is just another thing to add to the letter that will be written by Dr Peebles and staff and sent to insurance. If you were to go to the website of LPCH (link is to the right) you would see that I have 2 of the 3 serious comorbidities they list. Now I am not sure what is going on I will have to be reminded by my mom, but I have to get a CPAP machine for those of you that don't know what that is to my understanding it is a machine that you have to sleep with at night it has a mask that goes over your nose and mouth and forces oxygen through. I could be saying that wrong but that is what I understand it is. I have read that is it hard to get use to but once you have for awhile you get use to it and it is no big deal. Just sucks when I think of CPAP a teenager is defiantly not my first thought. How about some good news whatcha think?

You all know that crap this happening with the Psych. evaluation . Well, Erin e-mailed my mom 2 days ago telling her that HealthNet (insurance) has changed something and didn't tell us and that she will be sending another letter of approval through... YESTERDAY I was told I am approved for a one time visit with Dr. Eisenberg!!! YAY! I am so happy about this now we don't have to go through the insurance list, we don't have to pay the outrageous 701 dollars!!! I believe this is the only test that was holding me back and now that I have already been approved the only thing standing in my way is WHEN my appointment will be with Dr. Eisenberg. Which on Tuesday we will be able to make an appointment, but she might have a wait list so we are just praying keeping our fingers crossed that it is not to bad. God that would suck going to make an appointment and hearing next think available is in JUNE OR JULY!! I'm not really nervous about it people have been telling me that they don't think it will be a problem for me, so I hope they are right!

Man, I am taking this death and dying class, it's only for one weekend (April 29th and 30th) but it is from 8:30-5:40!!! THAT'S FREAKING LLOOONNNGGG! Interested course though, here is a description that give in the catalog "In-depth exploration of attitudes towards death, dying, and bereavement including psychosocial development, life-threatening illness, and survivor issues." Sounds neat huh? Well everyone its cold and I smell like a Santa Cruz Downtown bum! Time to hit the showers!
Take care!
Lots of love,
Kylie

Appointment Today

2006-04-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

So I had an appointment with Dr. Peebles today. It went pretty well, I am going to start a birth control it was one that I had before called Yasmin. I did my sleep study last night! BOY was that an experience and not one that I plan to visit again. Okay so it wasn't that bad just very irritating I was surprised I got any sleep. All I have left to do is the psch. Exam and that is where all the problems lay. As you know my insurance does not cover the psch. Exam and self pay will be $701!!!!! Dr. Peebles told us that the next step will be, get the list of all the people that are covered by insurance call each one of them and ask if they have experience with kids and then kids getting gastric bypass. She said that more likely non of them will say no but it is something to do to show the insurance. She is going to fax us and then we are going to fax the insurance company an appeal letter since the exam is only one time... *SSIIGGHHH* just another loop to jump through.. Me and my mom are kind of thinking about self pay if me and her went half's it wouldn't be so bad and it would defiantly be worth it... They had their monthly evaluation meeting and my name did come up, there was nothing but positive, and no doubt it anyone on the boards mind that I couldn't get surgery. My "case" will officially go into evaluation next month since I have no results back from tests and they really want the psch exam done, before any final decision is made. Megan (a counselor women that was at the support group) came in my room and she said "Word on the street is that you are the most mature around here"! What a compliment!!!! That made me so happy. I guess that is all for right now. I will post more if I can think of anything I missed.
Love everyone!
Kylie

Welcome Back Headaches

2006-04-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah so for the first time in about a week I got a REALLY REALLY bad headache last night, still have it right now too, Medicines aren't doing much but oh well I hope it will die down by tomorrow.

On a better note, 2 more days until my next appointment with Dr. Peebles. Oh yeah my mom brought my little sister to the doctor's today because she had a fever and while my mom was there my sister (and mine) doctor gave her the referral for the sleep study. Now all we have to do if give the callapulinary office the referral (mom will do it tomorrow since she works over there anyway) and I'm hoping they will give us the machine to do it at home or we can schedule something really soon (like Wednesday), I will want that done and out of the way before Friday. The Psych. Evaluation, my mom got a call from a lady name Suzy from Dr. Eisenberg's office she said that the evaluation should be medical and that she just went over this not to long ago so she knows for a fact, but that she would call the insurance her self to see that this was all about, then she would call my mom back and do the over the phone interview that is required before seeing Dr. Eisenberg. I don't think the interview really happened but Suzy did tell my mom that because I am not an adult there insurance won't cover it as medical. WHICH IS TOTALLY STUPID. Anyways I am hoping that when I see Dr. Peebles on Friday she will allow us to see a local person, because from how it looks seeing Dr. Eisenberg isn't happening, but hey you never know. If she does let me see someone local there is a psychiatrist that I saw a few years ago name Richard something. I might be able to just go see him again. We will see, well everyone have a great night!!!

Love,
Kylie

Support Group Today

2006-04-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

So today I went to the support group Susan asked me to go to. It was really nice, I met a lot of really nice people and was able to get questions answered that I had. There was a girl there that had surgery about 9 months ago and she had Pseudotumor cerebri. I got her e-mail and hope to keep talking to her. I have my next appointment on Friday April 21st. Susan said that the evaluation session where my "case" will hopefully be brought up is next week not on the 27th. So that pretty cool... I can't remember if I covered this so I am going to go through it again. The sleep study test was going to be done here locally, my PCP called the sleep study office and asked if they did peds (pediatric) and they said no. Well we were pretty confused so my mom decided to call them directly and ask, well a lady called us on our way home from the support group meeting and told my mom that she got her message and how can she help. my mom said "Well, my daughter is getting gastric bypass surgery and a pre-op test is a sleep study, her doctor was told she couldn't have the study done here locally because of her" the lady asked my age and weight" (16 1/2 and 251-255lbs). The lady said that when my doctor asks about peds she they assumed it was little, little kids and that they would be more than happy to do my sleep study next week or the week after all my doctor has to do is send a referral to the callapulinary office and she would handle the rest! So my mom called my doctor and left a message not even 2 hours later we got a call back saying that she put the referral in and we should no something in the beginning of next week!!!! THE COOLEST THING is that they give you the machine and devices, send you home, you set it up at home and do the sleep study right in your own bed. Then, just return the machine the next morning. AWSOME HUH? Well that is my update. I AM ON MY WAY TO SURGERY! WOOHOOOO

LOVE ALWAYS!
Kylie

EKG & Echo Testing

2006-04-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Got home about 2 hours ago from the EKG and Echo tests. They were so easy. Echo lady said from what she can see I have a nice, strong, healthier heart and this will not get in my way of surgery. The EKG, I'm sure everything is okay the man didn't say anything. I wasn't really worried about these 2 tests. My next Dr. Peebles appointment is April 21 at 9:00 a.m. Only about 2 weeks away! My mom is going to make more phone calls for me, she wants to try to get the sleep study done before I go see Dr. Peebles. Nothing to report on the Psych. evaluation. I think I might hold on that until my appointment with Dr. Peebles to see what she has to say and maybe things will work out then. Off to work now, take care everybody.

Love,
Kylie

Testing 1, 2, 3

2006-04-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is my second post for the day but I have to update this part.
Dr. Peebles sent me home with referrals for I tihnk all the tests I will need or at least most of them. Well, my insurance won't pay unless the referrals are from my PCP Dr. Neunberg. My mom called her office and the nurse Kyndra was not in so she talked to a lady named Lanelle about getting the referrals. Lanelle called back later that night (this was Monday, 4/3/06) and said they were so busy today but she will get right on the referrals and will call back by the end of this week or early next week. The next day my mom got a call from Lanelle she said, the referrals are in for EKO & Echo tests, the sleep study people here won't touch me (so we will have to go through Stanford). So my appointment for the EKG & Echo are on Monday 4/10. I'm not sure what is happening with the Sleep Study at this point. For the Psych. evaluation there is Psychiatrist named Dr. Eisenberg she is the one that Stanford requires me to see, but my insurance will not cover the evaluation and it is freaking $700 self-pay!!! Someone told my mom (not sure who) that because the psych. evaluation is for pre-op surgery that the medical part of my insurance should cover it, so my mom is going to talk the lady face-to-face and explain to her what the pre-op ting means and hopefully the insurance will cover it than.... That's all for now. Wheww, that was a lot.

****SORRY IS ANYONE FOR CONFUSED!*****

Love Always,
Kylie

Follow Up With Dr. Gansaeuer

2006-04-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

My follow up with him was on Tuesday and it went well. He said that my eyes look better but the PTC is certainly not gone.. He told me that gastric bypass is defiantly the best option for me at this time and he is very happy that I will hopefully be having surgery in June. He also said that since it is so close I can stop taking my Diamox (YAY), and he wants to see me again after surgery, BUT if for whatever reason surgery gets pushed back more than a couple of months he wants to see me at the end of May, he wilol put me on another medication, and probably get another Spinal Tap (LP), AANNDD see an eye doctor every six months until surgery happens. But I am very confident that it will not get pushed back (GOD I HOPE NOT). Yesterday I had my first headache in a 3 days! I was shocked, it still lingering but I took some medicine, so it doesn't feel that bad. Have to get going. Take care.
Love,
Kylie

HAD MY APPOINTMENT!

2006-03-31T22:33:00.000-08:00

Okay well here it goes.
I got to my appointment and saw my nutritionist (Emily) first. We reviewed everything we talked about at the last appointment, made new goals then looked into the Gastric Bypass stuff. It was really interesting, it was kind of a printed out powerpoint, we talked about different protein drinks and she told me about the clear liquids, full liquids, puree foods, to soft or normal foods...
She told me I was the "ideal" candidate for the gastric bypass and that she really can see that I am motivated and will follow everything I have to. That made me VERY happy and excited.

Then I went to another room where I waited for Dr. Peebles, while we were waiting Susan came in and started talking to me it was kind of weird, but I figured she was just doing an "investigation" kind of thing. Okay well Dr. Peebles came in and we talked, talked, and talked. We got EVERYTHING organized and we are on the same page again (GREAT!). I got sent home with my referrals for all the pre-op testing. We are going to try to get those done within 2 weeks and I need to schedule an appointment because there were low on staff and told us to call on Monday. I am really excited, happy, and just praying nothing goes wrong. Dr. Peebles said that if everything goes perfectly, like very very perfectly I will have surgery in June. I know not everything is perfect but miracles can happen. :) Oh and Dr. Peebles said she thought I was a good candidate for the surgery also. Everything is just falling into place it is really exciting. Maybe I will edit this post and add more in but I am so tired right now it is time for bed. Thanks you for every ones support. XOXOX

LOVE,
Kylie

Tomorrow!

2006-03-30T23:12:00.000-08:00

Well I have everything together and organized for my appointment tomorrow, wow I have been looking forward to tomorrow forever it seems. I am just getting nerves and thoughts, that everything I've been thinking will change for the bad. Like what if there was a misunderstanding and she says I cant get the surgery! What if she says she needs to see growth in me before considering surgery! I'm freaking myself out. But maybe I am feeling more excited that nervous, I haven't felt excited about anything for a long time. I think I need to go take a nice long bath to relax, and then I'm going to bed. I will be posting EVERYTHING that happens tomorrow whether it be bad or good. Goodnight everyone.

Love,
Kylie

Nothing New To Report

2006-03-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not writing in awhile. Nothing new has came up so there really hasn't been anything to talk about. I got another book to read of the surgery. It's really good I love how the author writes, non medical people can actually understand it! LOL. I can't wait for Friday! only 6 more days. I will defiantly be writing a lot that night. (BTW, Friday is my next appointment with Dr. Peebles). I am really hoping we can get things rolling, I have to let her know that I have wanted gastric bypass the whole time, and I am sorry she didn't know I remember us talking about it and I thought she did know (maybe she will remember, but if not she is a busy women so it would be understandable). I get to ask about the approval thing and why is went through as lapband and not RNY or if it was just a honest mistake. I HAVE TO get her pager number! My mom keeps writing it down and losing I just need it and while she is telling me I will have my phone out putting it in my phone (not on a brown bag *mom*). I started my lecture culinary class, interested but I don't know if it is something I want to do as a career. Now I'm all confused, LOL. I better start getting ready for work. Will post more on Friday!
Love always,
Kylie

BTW,
me and Israel have a myspace now!
www.myspace.com/izzykylie

Rainy Days

2006-03-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

Everyone is asleep, Israel will be home any minute, it's raining out right now. I had my lecture culinary class tonight got home about 1 1/2 hours ago. My head is killing me, but what else is new, right?

yesterday the weirdest thing was happening to me and is really scared me, I don't know if it was my medicine (Diamox) or what. I could barely hold me purse it felt so heavy, I felt so weak, it was taking everything I had to keep my head up and my eyes open. My coordination was really out of whack it took me 5-6 times to get my leg threw a pant hole, I was looking at a coffee cup we have at work and I was turning it around, you know just checking it out, and I almost dropped it, it just got so heavy I was shaking all day. I don't know how I got through a whole day at work, I spilled and dropped a lot of things, and to top it all off I had a killer headache and was so tired. God it really scared me. So today my neck and arm muscles are hurting so bad, seems like my muscles took the day off yesterday or something.

I can't believe next month will be my 6 months on a supervised weight loss program. It has gone by so fast.. Surgery is just getting closer and closer. I was thinking about it maybe I will have my surgery in late May, but I don't want to get my hopes up so I'm staying with what they told me "Probably June". I just have to say for anyone that has decided to get this surgery and finds out that they have to do 6 months in a weight loss program. Oh my god just do it, I thought it was going to be a drag but it just hit me today next month is my last month! Well everyone Israel is home and we are going to watch a movie. Goodnight!

Israel also caught 8 more of those babies!!!!
Just something I wanted to share

Why Is There Always Confusion?!

2006-03-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

At about 9:00 this morning I got a call from my mom. She told me she got a call from Erin (case manager with out insurance company). Erin said that she has the request form, from Dr. Peebles, and is ready to send it through and get it approved, but the request is for a Lapband?! I am so confused now! I'm just trying to understand where my doctor got the Lapband from. Well okay on my first appointment with her, I told her I wanted a Lapband (I did because I was desperate and I thought that this place in San Fransisco would give me the surgery because it is less invasive) but I'd always wanted the RNY that was my first choice ever! Anyways, I told her I wanted a lapband and was told or at least I thought this what she said, that they do not do lapband just RNY. My thoughts were (GREAT!!!). But that at the time I did not qualify. To fast forward everything, now I do qualify and I have been reading a lot about the RNY, it is the surgery for me, I have been reading stories about the Lapband and they are not so good. Plus the Lapband help you with as much weight loss. I dont remember the exact amounts of course everyone is different but I think it's like 40-50% where as the RNY is 60-70%. My heart is set on the RNY and I think if they can't do that for me for whatever reason, then I will just have to wait until I am eight-teen and get it from another place. I just think that it is my body, my life I just would not feel comfortable with the lapband. I don't think it would come to the extreme of me leaving Stanford, I hope we just all go "OOPS" and a referral can go in for a RNY. We will see, by tonight I should have more information. I'll post more than. Good MORNING!

Love,
Kylie

New Doctor, new medicine

2006-03-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

Okay so I had my Neurologist appointment with Dr. Gansaeuer. He was really nice! So here is whats up, I do have PTC (which I knew already) it is not severe YET, but it can get there if it goes untreated. I am on a medication for it now, and he believes the Gastric Bypass is the best way to go. (YAY!!!!!!) Medication weird me out there feel like I'm on drugs. He ordered me a blood test (which I did yesterday also) and another one in 2 weeks. He wants me to go to Physical Therapy, he said my shoulder and neck muscles are very tense and that it could relieve some headache pain but not much. We have been out of power for officially 24 hours as of 8:30. It's back and its all good now. Well cousin is here got to go spend time. Love you all

Love,
Kylie

Neurologist, Dr. Gansaeuer

2006-03-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

YUP!
That's right I have a new doctor on board. Dr. Gausnauer will be monitoring my PTC. I have my first appointment with him tomorrow at 1:00. Dr. Peebles said it would be wise to get established with a Neurologist because is anything happens with my PTC they will know me already and it would just be easier all around, you know what I'm saying? I had a screaming headache last night. Oh my god and swooshing in the ears was keeping my from falling asleep. I took some meds and feel better right now good thing I have the next 3 days off. Waters boiling got to throw the pasta in! Take Care
Love,
Kylie

Headache OUCH

2006-03-06T23:24:00.000-08:00

I have screaming headache, I've been like this for the past 2 days *sigh* it put me in tears to lay down, my head feels like it is going to blow up when I first lay down. I think it might be a PTC headache.I have been on http://www.obesityhelp.com there is a woman name Amber, she had the surgery 11/05 (Duodenal Switch) and now she is in a wheelchair and the doctors DON'T KNOW WHY! That poor woman she is only 25 and has a 6yr old and 3yr old. On the website they are getting members together and having everyone send her cards and letters. I decided to write her a poem here it is:

Sometimes we do not feel
like we want to feel
Sometimes we do not achieve
what we want to achieve
Sometime things that happen
do not make sense
Sometimes life leads us in directions
that are beyond our control
It is at these times, most of all
that we need someone
who will quietly understand us
and be there to support us
I want you to know
that I am here for you
in every way
and remember that though
things maybe difficult now
tomorrow is a new day

I really hope she likes it. What do you all think????????

New picture of me and Israel (my baby)

I need to go treat this headache I can not concentrate.
Goodnight,
Kylie

Part 2 of Delays

2006-03-05T01:29:00.000-08:00

Okay Okay,
So Dr. Peebles called my mom while she was driving home from work and they talked for about 30 minutes (as I wrestled with my 2yr old sister to keep her from crying to mom). So according my doctor SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WANTED GASTRIC BYPASS!!! WWHHAATT??!! I am praying to god she had a brain fart (excuse the language), because that is all I ever talk about with her. They have a evaluation of "cases" each month and mine is not going until their April meeting, but my name did come up during Feb.'s. Susan (director) said she knows I want the surgery but have only heard it from my mom that is when my doctor said "what??? I didn't know she wanted it" (YES SHE DID AND ON MARCH 31 I WILL DEFIANTLY REMIND HER ABOUT OUR CONVERSATIONS!!!!) so they thought my mom was influencing me!, and she is defiantly not this is a decision I have made on my own. She has been doing all the phone calling because I didn't know I was allowed to. But now if I have ANY question I am the one that has to call. this is good. So on my rescheduled appointment (March 31st) I am bringing my books, all the names of websites I am a part of, online support groups, etc. etc. To show my doctor yes I want this and I have been preparing mentally and physically(having no caffeine, going after protein FIRST, chewing A LOT better, and finally taking a multi-vitamin). I am just so upset how could she not know I wanted the surgery, I am so hoping she remembers after I am done with her.. But anyways, when my mom told her on the phone "OMG yes she really wants this surgery" my doctor said "well if that's the case we need to pick up the pace we need to get the tests done, etc" So I know I am getting the surgery that just puts butterflies in my stomach! I get so excited when i think of that!. I gotta get to bed now. Its 1:37 AM. Goodnight
Love,
Kylie

Delays delays

2006-03-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

*sigh*
Well this sucks, I got a call from Susan (weight loss program director) calling to confirm my appointment on March 31st and to not be late this time. Ummm excuse me! My appointment is on the 10th and last time I was 45minutes EARLY! She said that Dr. Peebles will not be in on the 10th and that they had to rearrange things so the earliest they could put me in was the 31st! I am so mad about this! So anyways that is my update. But on a nicer topic I got a package in the mail from Circuit City, I thought to myself "what the heck did I order?!" It was my best friend Ashley! She got me a PSP for my late Christmas present! Oh my gosh I was so freaking happy!!!! I hope everyone is doing very well and I will talk to everyone soon.

Love,
Kylie

From the beginning

2006-02-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

This is my first post!! YAY

My WLS (weight loss surgery) journey started in 2001 when my mom decided to get the surgery, before that I had no idea what WLS was. After watching my mom basically shrink into the tiny body she is in now I was amazed and ready to start and was 100% aware of all the side effects because I watched my mom go through the not so happy times for example "dumping syndrome". Anyways like I was saying I was ready to start my WLS but I was only 12 years old and was no where near the weight I would of had to been (I was overweight though). So I just let the idea go and went on with my own life. I wasn't until I was 14 that I got concerned about my weight again, so I started Weight Watchers and it worked wonders (good and bad), in 8 months I had lost 51lbs! I had gone from 213 to 161lbs and I was SOO happy, although the results were great I was very unhealthy, I would starve myself the day before "weigh-in" and towards the end of the 8months I was getting desperate to see a weight loss I was making myself throw-up. But like all other diets I slowly gained all the weight back up to were I am now (in the 240's).
In June 2005 I decided I really wanted to get this surgery, I was a candidate for it so I thought it would be so COOL. I went to see my DR. she disagreed with me she wrote a quick diet and told me to come back in 2 months. I was really disappointed but was convinced I was going to change her mind. So around mid-July I wrote a very long emotional e-mail to her. 2days later she suggested I see high professionals at Standford Medical Hospital within a week I had an appointment with the surgeon in October 2005. I would say about a week before the appointment my mom called to confirm. She was informed that who ever made the appointment was not trained, and that I could not see the surgeon until I went through a 6-month weight loss program. That night I cried and cried and cried. After about a week of deep thought I decided I would just stick it out and go through with the program.
So there I was in the waiting room for my first appointment with the my doctor (Dr. Peebles) for the weight loss program. My name got called and I was swept away into a room. They did the usual took my weight (246), height(5'2), blood pressure (don't remember but it was high). After a very emotional "getting to know you" talk with the doctor and a student (medical student was there for just that first appointment) I was told that 1,000's of kids come in and find that the surgery is not necessary and that they have only done 7 roux-en-y (a type of weight loss surgery) on "young adults" after that 2 hour talk they did a physical. During this physical they found a pressure behind my eyes concerned she suggested I see an eye doctor (Dr. McCulley at Stanford). So a few days after Thanksgiving I saw this Dr. McCulley, he told me that Dr. Peebles is sending over lots of kids and that it is usually nothing at all. Well, after he examined me he said "well looks like that had 1 right" I was really scared. He told me and my mom that I was going to need a MRI/MRA to confirm it was not a tumor and if they found nothing then I would be getting a Lumbar puncture. So I got my Lumbar puncture and it confirmed I had Pseudotumor cerebri (PTC) ***To learn more about PTC go to : http://www.neuroland.com/ha/pseudo_cer.htm

Well, I went to my third appointment with Dr. Peebles. She informed me about PTC, she said it was a very serious disease and that we really need to get this weight off of me with in this year (this appointment was 2/3/06) she told me to take a year off of school or work or both if it gets really bad. She said Gastric Bypass Surgery was defiantly an option for me now because although my BMI was high enough before with "young adults" they raise the bar but because of the PTC I was a candidate even with the bar raise.

So I had that long serious talk with my parents we decided it was the best way to go. I had an appointment with my Primary doctor (Dr. Neunberg) to update her and she is on board with the idea now. On March 10th I have another appointment with Dr. Peebles, then I will tell her about the talk my parents and I had and I hope to get the quick tests required before the surgery just to make sure I'll be okay in motion. Oh yeah my mom talked to Susan (the director of the weight loss program). Susan said that she does not think there will be any issues with me getting the surgery and that I will probably have it early Summer if everything goes well!!!!

It all pretty much looks like a waiting game for me now, March 10th HOPEFULLY we can get things going, April 7th there is a support group they want me to go to and April 27th my "case" as they call it goes in evaluation were the surgical team and Susan determine whether or not I get the surgery (but in my case Susan said it will more likely pass).

Well that is all for my first blog post, I will be posting things about appointments and how I feel over time and even when I do get surgery I will still post here because I want my journey to be known so it could hopefully help other teens in my shoes.

Goodnight!,
Kylie